"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

naivewife posted 10/16/2013 20:35 PM

Has anyone ever tested their WS - as far as whether or not they would engage AP if AP tried to make contact, or whether they would truly tell you immediately if that happened? My IC mentioned something about "testing" WS one time and I was in such a daze (soon after d-day) it didn't really dawn on me, as to what she was talking about. But ever since I remembered that conversation, I've wondered about the idea of testing WH by sending him an email from a fake account pretending to be OW and wanting to talk to him, just to see what he'd do. The sad part is though - I'm afraid to find out. I don't know what I would do if he failed the test.
So anyone try anything like this? And how did it go? How did you do it?

IDeserveMore posted 10/16/2013 20:57 PM

Ok, here is my idea. It's just a fantasy though. I don't ever think I'd do it.

But I'd create an email account with her name in it. And send him an email as though from her.

Just something short like about missing him or just thinking about him.

Then I wait to see if 1) he would respond 2 )if he would tell me and when

I can totally see how it could back fire. And I surely don't want to give him the idea that she is still thinking about him and wanting him.

But the biggest reason not to do it - I'm afraid he'll reply something about how he has thought of her but they just can't be together. And then he wouldn't tell me. And then it really would have to be over forever.

[This message edited by IDeserveMore at 9:02 PM, October 16th (Wednesday)]

Kelany posted 10/16/2013 20:58 PM

No, never did it. Thought about it briefly, but it wasn't something I was comfortable with.

watchtheskyy posted 10/16/2013 21:16 PM

I went the route of emailing him from "her". He didn't immediately tell me, but he responded saying how much he loved me and even if we didn't work he would never be with her because it makes him sick to think of the person that he was with her. He said what they had wasn't reality, it was just an escape. After he wrote that, he called and told me everything. Then he was so proud because he never told her those things or stood up to her like that...so then I felt like an asshole. I told him the truth a while later and he was really upset with me. We moved past it fast, and talked through it and he understood why I did it.

I don't know what advice I would give. His response had me on cloud 9 but only for a little while.

[This message edited by watchtheskyy at 9:18 PM, October 16th (Wednesday)]

kourt090 posted 10/16/2013 21:30 PM

Wow, I wish I could do this, actually. If I thought he would find it believable, I totally would try this. The problem is that they never emailed. Everything they did was via text. On top of that, I made him delete his old email account that she DID know the email address to. She doesn't know his new one. He also no longer has a personal FB account - we only have a joint one - so I don't think that could work. Darnit! I want to try this!

ETA: I also made him change his phone number after DDay so I'm not sure how she could "get his number".

[This message edited by kourt090 at 9:31 PM, October 16th (Wednesday)]

Dance4Me posted 10/16/2013 21:48 PM

I did this by using a texting app and a fake number using the OW/EAs area code. My H also changed his cell number but I wrote him saying that "I/OW" got his new cell umber and wanted to see how he was. I/OW also said I/OW had heard through the grapevine that his daughter was sick and hope she was doing well.

He immediately called real me and told me - he was visibly upset with the whole situation. He even texted me that he just wants be left alone so he could live an authentic life with his beautiful family. He ignored fake OW's text completely...

He obviously passed the test and I never told him it was me all along. Looking back, I took a huge risk - especially if he had started engaging with her again. But at the time, and three years ago, I just needed to know....

[This message edited by Dance4Me at 9:49 PM, October 16th (Wednesday)]

Scubachick posted 10/17/2013 02:52 AM

I did it by email. I created an email with the same name but left off an e. then I went into his contacts and changed her email to the one I created. I sent one saying "your wife has been asking me a lot of questions about us.I don't want to get you in trouble or lose my job. What should I tell her". I really didnt think he'd tell me about the email but within 10 min of sending it, he told me. He refused to "her" and said "tell her the truth and please don't email me again". A couple weeks later i told him it was me and he was shocked!

SlowUptake posted 10/17/2013 03:18 AM

So during reconciliation, lies and deception are OK, as long as you're a BS not a WS?

Just something to ponder.

Scubachick posted 10/17/2013 03:22 AM

No, it was wrong of me to do. Not proud of it.

Bobbi_sue posted 10/17/2013 04:24 AM

Looking back, I took a huge risk - especially if he had started engaging with her again. But at the time, and three years ago, I just needed to know....

I don't see needing to know as a risk...I see it as needing to know. And there is a risk in not knowing, isn't there?

I did it too, and my thought is if this caused them to reconnect for real and get it on again, then I would want to know that was all it would take. (So I could D and get on with my life sooner rather than later).

I sent an email "from her" from a fake account early on after D-day. I didn't think he'd fall for it because they didn't email and according to him she didn't have a computer and had no interest in learning how to use one. It was 2006 and neither were into texting at that time, but most of the A was talking on their secret cell phones. But the email said his sis gave her the email address and something about missing him, and wanting to konw if Bobbi_sue either wrote, or made him write the NC letter. He did fall for it.

When people ask should you do this, most say no, and many have thoughts like:

So during reconciliation, lies and deception are OK, as long as you're a BS not a WS?

Well I have my own code of ethics and my own set of weaknesses. One weakness is that I HAVE TO KNOW. To me, that is a highly preferable way to get into their "real" thoughts and the truth, than a lie detector test. And yes, I believe we ALL have our own code of ethics for when lies and deception are "okay." For example, I am betting most here think it is okay to tell your kids there is a Santa Clause and Easter bunny because it is "fun" for the kids and some parents are even judgmental of those of us who "deprived" our kids of that "fun" because we didn't want to lie or deceive our children that way. So yes, it is up to each individual to decide when this is okay or not, and it is also up their spouse (whether a BS or WS) to decide if they can live with somebody who would deceive them in this way, even for a short time.

Well, my H failed the test but looking back, I made some serious mistakes. I'm still not sure the "test" idea was so bad but I'd do it differently if I had a "do over." First of all, you need to have a conversation with your WS to make darn sure he understands what you would expect or want him to do if she ever tried to contact him. It was only about a month out and I had not had that conversation with him.

And my second mistake was not having a clear vision going in, what would constitute failing the test, and what I was going to do if he failed...was it a deal breaker, or not?

Mine answered her back with a very brief but extremely damaging sentence, basically implying yes I wrote the NC letter and he'd "talk to her later."

Another one of my weaknesses is that while I can deceive, I can't do it for very long, and can't sit on secret information, nor do I have much patience when I get emotional and angry. So the instant I saw his message back to her, I blew a gasket and of course he knew what I'd done. I think he understood why so me deceiving him was not the huge issue though I'm sure he didn't "like" it.

But he argued he had not failed the test! He said he was in a panic at seeing her email and didn't know what to do so answered it. He pointed out to me there was nothing "lovey" in it and he was right about that...no love or miss yous. In my mind, he still failed the test, but in his mind he didn't.

For us, I would say it only accomplished one thing. I made darn sure he knew after that what I expected him to do if she ever tried to contact. Only two reactions were acceptable: tell her to go to hell, or no response at all (I personally prefer the first one but I know most everyone thinks nothing at all is best).

So I don't make recommendations one way or the other on this. I've shared my experience and I can't say it was very positive, but I did learn something from it and if I had to do over, I'd probably still do the "test" but I would have a better plan going in.

standinghere posted 10/17/2013 04:40 AM

What if you did this, and your FWS was so disturbed by it that they killed themselves?

My wife became suicidal after her affair. She kept this hidden. Nobody knew, not me, not her IC or our MC, then she just lost it and was hospitalized. I've known two people who killed themselves, and one of my colleagues wives killed herself, although I never knew her. Nobody saw it coming in any case. Nobody knows what the final trigger was.

Zayda1 posted 10/17/2013 05:16 AM

About 2 weeks after Dday I sent a text to WH from a friend's phone pretending to be AP asking him to meet up at our "special" place.

He responded the way I was hoping he would. I told him that it was me who sent the text. He understood why I did it.

Judge me. I don't care. I did what I had to do to feel safe.

rachelc posted 10/17/2013 05:50 AM

I wouldn't ever do this by fake email. I HAVE thought about hiring a pretty blonde to look at him at a bar or something just to see what he'd do.

Bobbi_sue posted 10/17/2013 06:44 AM

What if you did this, and your FWS was so disturbed by it that they killed themselves?

As horrible as suicide is, it is the decision that person makes, a very selfish decision IMO.

I make it sound simple, but I realize it is not. My H was suicidal during his A but I didn't know he was cheating on me at that time. He had lost his DD just before that and could not cope with it at all. He was abusing alcohol regularly, and while everybody else thought he was out having a good time and "coping" he came home to me, bawling his eyes out and totaly drunk, and grabbed a loaded gun several times and told me to get out of his way. I talked him down each of those times. (I also know him well enough to know if I called 911, he would have done it all the faster, before they arrived). He was so drunk and so depressed, I think it is quite likely he would have "done it" if I had said "go ahead" and showed him the door, instead of risking my own life, blocking the door all those times.

I think about this a lot because if I had known he was cheating any one of those times, I'm fairly sure I would not have attempted to talk him down and he might be gone now. But you know what? It would not be my fault. It would have been his. I will say I am glad that's not what happened though.

mchercheur posted 10/17/2013 06:52 AM

Obviously, if we BSs are even thinking about this it is because we still don't trust them.

Last night, WH was over an hour late coming home from a meeting. I am 2 yrs 5 mos out, & yet I drove by OW's house to make sure his car was not in front.
Will I ever trust him again?

[This message edited by mchercheur at 6:52 AM, October 17th (Thursday)]

AFrayedKnot posted 10/17/2013 07:08 AM

No...I don't think I would want to knock over that first domino of obsession. Even if she did the right think in the moment, the seed has been planted. You never know where it will go.

rachelc posted 10/17/2013 07:43 AM

I am 2 yrs 5 mos out, & yet I drove by OW's house to make sure his car was not in front.
Will I ever trust him again?

see this. If I'm doing this at that point I think i'll leave. no offense, ppl have reasons for staying but I don't have the reasons many of you do such as kids at home.

sodamnlost posted 10/17/2013 07:52 AM

My BFF did this without my knowledge. She was pulling for WH - thinking the issue was me not him. Not in a bad way just she wasn't seeing the while picture. She wanted to make me feel safer and assumed he would tell me. She texted him pretending to be OW.

Good part is he did tell me, right away. Bad part is that he was/is in denial so deep about what he did - what they had - he took it and was excited she texted him. It fed his ego - the very one that let him think she loved him despite her showing him for two years just how much of a plan C he was to her.

Bad idea. It's a flat out lie.

Worst part is it took me months to see what REALLY happened. Before that - it actually DID make me feel safer. The reality is that I am LESS safe than I was when he was knee deep in his affair. Know he knows how to manipulate me even better if he so desires.

[This message edited by sodamnlost at 7:57 AM, October 17th (Thursday)]

Lovedyoumore posted 10/17/2013 10:11 AM

No. Sometimes I wish I did. After DDay and a NC was requested around 3/18, the OW continued to try. I have emails, texts, notes, and gifts she sent him, including his birthday. He sent or gave them to me immediately. At first I destroyed them but later I saved them for evidence. She eventually stopped that kind of contact and started showing up at social events she had no business being at, including our church.

I wish I knew how he would respond now to direct contact.

I am also 2 1/2 years out and if my senses told me to do a drive by, I would also do it. I still believe in trust but verify. I was blindsided once, hopefully not again. I think every time you doubt and check up, only to find all is well builds your confidence. I see nothing wrong with checking up when you need to do it. Doubts do not mean you have not evolved. It just means the wound is still aching.

SuperDuperWonderboy posted 10/17/2013 12:11 PM

So during reconciliation, lies and deception are OK, as long as you're a BS not a WS?
Just something to ponder.

Sorry, but I totally disagree with this statement.

The problem I have with it is that as a BS, I was lied to and deceived by my wife for months and months, many of us are deceived for years. Then, in my case, the Wayward gets caught and "promises to be good." Sorry, but I ain't gonna take that promise at face value, after all, she promised to be faithful to me.

So yup, I have no problem with testing a Wayward.

I did test my wife about 2 months after Dday, with a fake email. My supposed "remorseful" spouse failed miserably and set up a call with the 'fake' OM. Then she lied to my face when confronted about it.

So yup, she failed, but it also helped her realize how truly screwed up she was. That she was still willing to throw away our marriage for a phone call with OM. Meh.

Anyway, just my thoughts.