Looking back, I took a huge risk - especially if he had started engaging with her again. But at the time, and three years ago, I just needed to know....
I don't see needing to know as a risk...I see it as needing to know. And there is a risk in not knowing, isn't there?
I did it too, and my thought is if this caused them to reconnect for real and get it on again, then I would want to know that was all it would take. (So I could D and get on with my life sooner rather than later).
I sent an email "from her" from a fake account early on after D-day. I didn't think he'd fall for it because they didn't email and according to him she didn't have a computer and had no interest in learning how to use one. It was 2006 and neither were into texting at that time, but most of the A was talking on their secret cell phones. But the email said his sis gave her the email address and something about missing him, and wanting to konw if Bobbi_sue either wrote, or made him write the NC letter. He did fall for it.
When people ask should you do this, most say no, and many have thoughts like:
So during reconciliation, lies and deception are OK, as long as you're a BS not a WS?
Well I have my own code of ethics and my own set of weaknesses. One weakness is that I HAVE TO KNOW. To me, that is a highly preferable way to get into their "real" thoughts and the truth, than a lie detector test. And yes, I believe we ALL have our own code of ethics for when lies and deception are "okay." For example, I am betting most here think it is okay to tell your kids there is a Santa Clause and Easter bunny because it is "fun" for the kids and some parents are even judgmental of those of us who "deprived" our kids of that "fun" because we didn't want to lie or deceive our children that way. So yes, it is up to each individual to decide when this is okay or not, and it is also up their spouse (whether a BS or WS) to decide if they can live with somebody who would deceive them in this way, even for a short time.
Well, my H failed the test but looking back, I made some serious mistakes. I'm still not sure the "test" idea was so bad but I'd do it differently if I had a "do over." First of all, you need to have a conversation with your WS to make darn sure he understands what you would expect or want him to do if she ever tried to contact him. It was only about a month out and I had not had that conversation with him.
And my second mistake was not having a clear vision going in, what would constitute failing the test, and what I was going to do if he failed...was it a deal breaker, or not?
Mine answered her back with a very brief but extremely damaging sentence, basically implying yes I wrote the NC letter and he'd "talk to her later."
Another one of my weaknesses is that while I can deceive, I can't do it for very long, and can't sit on secret information, nor do I have much patience when I get emotional and angry. So the instant I saw his message back to her, I blew a gasket and of course he knew what I'd done. I think he understood why so me deceiving him was not the huge issue though I'm sure he didn't "like" it.
But he argued he had not failed the test! He said he was in a panic at seeing her email and didn't know what to do so answered it. He pointed out to me there was nothing "lovey" in it and he was right about that...no love or miss yous. In my mind, he still failed the test, but in his mind he didn't.
For us, I would say it only accomplished one thing. I made darn sure he knew after that what I expected him to do if she ever tried to contact. Only two reactions were acceptable: tell her to go to hell, or no response at all (I personally prefer the first one but I know most everyone thinks nothing at all is best).
So I don't make recommendations one way or the other on this. I've shared my experience and I can't say it was very positive, but I did learn something from it and if I had to do over, I'd probably still do the "test" but I would have a better plan going in.