She lied [enormously], committed adultery and won't fess up as to why she did it. Enough disrespect to last a lifetime.
[This message edited by OK now at 6:05 AM, October 17th (Thursday)]
It takes courage to admit you fucked up. It takes courage to face your pain and the pain you caused in others. WS are broken people, there is something inside of them that is so broken, so twisted that it drives them to do all sorts of selfish, self-seeking things. In the wake of DDay they are full of regret, shame and fear. Most of us would never put ourselves in the situations that would cause us to have to deal with such monumental emotions, but if we did, would we have the courage to face those emotions? To confess despite our fears? To face the pain inside us that would have us do such destructive things? I'm sure the realization of what they've done is horrendous. Who else but a monster would hurt the people they love? For what? A few ego strokes and some cheap thrills? A BS has to deal with a pain that cuts to the core, a WS had to contend with the knowledge of what they've done.
It takes time. In the beginning sometimes it just takes willingness and a little bit of honesty. There is a lot of work for the WS to do to repair the damage their actions created and to rebuild trust, but that also takes time, one step at a time, one day at a time.
We are in R.
R is a tough journey man, your only in the beginning stages of the roller coaster ride you are going to have for a very long time. It usually takes two to five yrs for recovery and healing. some takes longer.
Two yrs of A, she got fired from job for that, still dint confess to you but you caught her. Did she came clean completely? Do you think she is truly remorseful or regret getting caught?
Why you think MC is a magical pill which cures your pain and solve all the problems.
What are the consequences she faced for her cheating? Why you want to continue in this marriage?
Take your own time and decide what you want from this marriage before you rush towards R?
[This message edited by kannan at 7:35 AM, October 17th (Thursday)]
BINGO! Well said..
I venture to say you may still be in shock...Anger and resentment will hit you soon if they haven't already...
Just because WW is in therapy to figure out her messed up in her thinking doesn't mean that you get to put up with her shitty choices until she figures herself out..
As was said earlier, take some time to watch WW's actions going forward before rushing into R..
60 years young..
It takes them time to figure out why they did it. I am not sure my FWH knows the true reason yet. They try to act normal because it's hard to see what an idiot you've been(IMHO).
[This message edited by whyme1525 at 3:52 PM, October 17th (Thursday)]
It is normal for a WS to act like everything is okay. They don't want to deal with the consequences of their decisions (or even admit their decisions), so carrying on like all is normal is a way to avoid everything and avoid taking the necessary steps to set things right. It's easier to pretend than it is to examine yourself when you are scared of what you might find.
Your WW cheated because something within her was missing and she felt the external validation would fill it. If you are to reconcile, she needs to understand why she felt her behaviour was acceptable, take responsibility for it (not blameshift) and ownership of the consequences, recognise the pain she caused you, set a plan to ensure it never happens again, and make amends to the marriage and rebuild upon a foundation of respect, honesty, and transparency.
It's pretty normal for you to be all over the place and not know what you want. Give yourself the time to find out. You will know when your heart and your head agree. In the meantime, you may want to check out the 180 to get a plan in place to rebuild yourself after the emotional trauma. I would also think about what your needs are in the relationship and what behaviour you will absolutely not tolerate. I would be transparent with your WW about those things. Make sure you take care of yourself - seeing a lawyer to find out your rights, a counselor, a doctor, it a good way to make sure you have professional support.
Hang in there brother, keep smart, and keep strong. You're gonna be okay.
ilovedancin - I'm so sorry for what's happened. This is a great support community with valuable advice. I suggest you start your own thread to introduce yourself and tell us how we can help.