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WS wants to stop telling me when he sees AP at work

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inca posted 10/17/2013 00:52 AM

My WS asked me, by text, can I stop telling you when I see AP? "I hate telling you. I can tell you if it is more than seeing her from a distance." I know he means he hates telling me because he knows it is painful, but I think he also means it is painful and uncomfortable for him. We are in therapy and 20 months out, the progress is not great. I am dealing with feelings of anger and resentment (shocking right?), and on some days, I am just not that into him and don't really trust him (mind blowing I know), but determined to stay in M so kids not raised with the next Ho. He is making an effort but it seems half hearted in many respects. Periodically I have discovered flirty emails to other women's hen I have sporadically checked his email or one woman from his gym pursuing him and he claims his email responses to her are just polite responses. Each time he seems genuinely surprised that his perception that this is all innocent is not in the opinion of our MC or he says he never thought about it like that when I was communicating in this way. Our MC finally called bullshit and told him he needs to go to IC to find out why he is sabotaging our R efforts - because the pattern keeps continuing. Not sure this background is necessary. My reasons for having him tell me is (1) seems like that is what you do when your WS works with the AP and you cannot change that (2) I want him to go from the thrill of seeing her to the dismay of seeing her, with the associated feeling of oh shirt now I have to tell my W, I think there is value in that, he even told me in months post A that when he saw her it was uncomfortable bc he wondered what she was thinking. Fuckhead. Thoughts? AmI punishing him to punish him or does this make sense. And why do I feel I might get a different response if I posted under "R" forum?

headdesk posted 10/17/2013 01:02 AM

I'm in early pussyfoot R stages (only been 2 1/2 weeks since the full story came out), but I can say that unless he's willing to put all of his effort into R it won't work. You'll still feel everything you are feeling now because he's still continuing to do things that leave you feeling betrayed and hurt (to a lesser point, but still).

Good on your MC for calling him on it. I think that if you need him to tell you when he sees her, you should get it. I think in the bigger picture it is the lesser of your worries.

Hope that you can feel safe and sane soon. Hugs.

summerain posted 10/17/2013 01:50 AM

Okay so I'm only 12 months out but personally it feels to me like he's only four-six months.

1. It's been 20 months, has he made a concerted effort to find a new job?

2. I can understand his point, but either way it's moot.

3. Are you entirely sure you want to reconcile?

Harriet posted 10/17/2013 03:30 AM

This reminds me of my situation. My ex told me about all of the innocent sightings of his former women. He did not tell me about the ones that weren't. Your husband is still flirting - those are just the ones you have caught. If he could get himself to believe he was innocent with those women, how many women has he been "polite" to that you don't know about? The ability of a cheater to rationalize his actions is astounding. Sorry to sound so suspicious...he just sounds too much like my ex for me to trust him! I'm so sorry for all you are going through.

Smokehouse posted 10/17/2013 04:12 AM

Yeah, no! My WW asked if she could only tell me when there is contact. Yeah, no! I want reports on no contact or contact days. I don't care if it's I heard him but didn't see him.

It's about us not them. They fucked up we didn't! Anyway, that's how I see it. I think you hit one of my nerves!

standinghere posted 10/17/2013 04:26 AM


I'm three years out from disclosure, and if my FWS was doing what yours is I'd be gone, well, actually I'd be filing to have her gone, not me, and the kids would be staying with me.

brokensmile322 posted 10/17/2013 04:29 AM


Nope. He needs to tell you. Period. If he truly viewed her as an enemy and the threat she is, he would be telling you himself without even thinking...

And I just have to ask...I go to the gym....absolutely no flipping chance of me getting emailed or texted by anyone there. I am there to workout. Why on earth would anyone have his email? He is still displaying poor boundaries. You are 20 months out and still struggling because he is not doing the hard work. And texting you this question???

Thera77 posted 10/17/2013 04:35 AM

IF you require that he tells you for your R and frankly peace of mind then he tells you. EVERY TIME. What are the consequences if he sees AP and doesn't tell you? Make sure he understands them and that you are willing to go through with them.

My FWH still works with COW although in separate locations, but any time he thinks he might see her or is going to see her, he will tell me. That's our agreement. And when they have been in the same room (for organization staff meetings, etc.) I also get to ask whatever annoying, pia questions I want. End of story. This is not a situation that I created. FWH did that all on his own. He simply has to deal with the consequences of that - his feeling uncomfortable by the questions I ask and having to deal with a BW that is angry with him for putting us in this position to begin with.

At least that's the way we do it. YMMV.

ETA: What brokensmile said about his boundaries is spot on too.

[This message edited by Thera77 at 4:38 AM, October 17th (Thursday)]

Holly-Isis posted 10/17/2013 04:53 AM

IMO the MC is right.

It won't matter if he tells or doesn't tell about the OW because you won't know the truth.

What matters is he's still apparently acting as though he's single. Very rarely will a woman send a flirty email if she hasn't been given some sort of signal that it would be accepted.

From what I can see the greater concern is his wayward thinking. Because at some point it will become covering his tracks, maybe even while telling you he saw the OW...while building a new A with a new OW.

inca posted 10/17/2013 22:52 PM

Thank you all. Regarding the question about him looking for alternative work, he is a partner and his business is totally wrapped up,with his company. She's at the admin level, and I totally thought her husband would make her leave but so far she is still there. It is hard to imagine he is still cheating but I can tell you that I feel so very clearly not on the same page as him that I just don't know. I used to think we saw the world exactly the same way and now I am shocked again and again how he does not see it thru my perspective.

RedRose posted 10/18/2013 22:03 PM

My WH told me for months that he didn't see OW at work, that she took swaps or was at a different station. Turns out, he was still talking to her all day, every day.

I would insist on being told, but also be wary at the same time.

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