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Help with IC this afternoon please?

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Sienna500 posted 10/17/2013 07:08 AM

I have IC this afternoon and I want to discuss something with her but I need to make sure the way I explain it will get my point/feelings across clearly so that she can help me find the tools to fix it. I wondered if anyone would let me know how this sounds and if there's anything else I should add?

I don't feel like my infidelity is a usual case, not for the better or worse but because I feel like it's very very weird. This makes me feel like I am weird and I have difficulty listening to pieces of advice or drawing strength because I feel like I wasn't looking for the same thing a lot of other waywards were.

I've been working on my coping mechanisms because that seems to be the (main) root of my problems and I'm definitely starting to learn some new skills and recognise myself slipping into something unhealthy. This is all great and at times I feel almost pleased with myself for doing it which I know sounds crazy by the way.

Learning new skills and realising my own coping skills are toxic is great for me, my children and my husband but it means that I have new feelings I've never felt before and the overwhelming feeling is sort of 'what am I'. I'm reaching a point of not so much thinking 'why', I've learned why, now I'm wondering how I ever could do it and why I hadn't noticed my coping skills were so terrible.

This all makes me feel lonely and anxious because just as a human being some things I've done, thought processes I've had make me sort of less human or at least lacking humanity.

I'm wondering if I say all this, I'll get my point across? To be clear, I don't feel sorry for myself, I don't hate myself either although of course there are choices I've made that I hate.

I want to figure out a way to fix this thought process.

All opinions and advice are welcome, even if it's just to get a grip.

[This message edited by Sienna500 at 7:09 AM, October 17th (Thursday)]

Neznayou posted 10/17/2013 08:09 AM

Hi Sienna,

I'm certainly no expert, but I am a WW, I have been in IC since DDay (and in years past for depression), and I am a language arts teacher. That's just to give you an idea where my response is coming from.

First of all, when you meet with your counselor, be as specific as you can. "Weird" is a very general term. In what way do you feel your Affair is "weird"? What are you using as a basis for comparison? Maybe your Affair isn't weird at all. Also, there is a difference between a weird person and weird behaviour. For me, (and this one I still struggle with from time to time) it is recognizing and accepting the difference between a horrible person and horrible choices/ actions.

Hopefully, you've chosen a counselor who not only specializes in infidelity and has experience helping WW (different from helping WH), but also has a personality which is compatible with your own. Be honest with the counselor. If she doesn't have all the information, she can't help you. Try to provide her with specific examples of coping mechanisms which aren't healthy, with the thought processes which make you feel less human.

It takes a long time for a tree to grow, and it takes a long time to chop one down. Don't expect that changes will happen overnight, no matter how badly you may want them to.

Best of luck,


Sienna500 posted 10/17/2013 09:50 AM

Thank you Neznayou

I've been seeing this counsellor for a while now and can open up to her fairly well but I'm just concerned that I won't express my feelings properly or that she'll get the wrong end of the stick.

GraceRunner posted 10/17/2013 10:35 AM

I guess I don't understand your point/feelings. What exactly are you wanting to fix in IC today? Is it the feelings of loneliness and anxiousness? Your coping mechanisms? Or why you feel like your affair was unique or weird? (Can you explain what you mean by weird?)

What thought process are you trying to "fix"? Because a lot of what you wrote sounds like a lot of waywards: "my situation was unique (not really), I've got crappy coping mechanisms, I feel lonely and overwhelmed about who I am and how I could have done such a thing". I don't think these are strange feelings that need to be "fixed". From what I've seen and what I am experiencing myself it is part of the process of rebuilding and growing.

Sienna500 posted 10/17/2013 11:05 AM

I'm sorry for the confusion I knew it wouldn't come out right.

I feel like having 3 ONS's with strangers in 2 weeks is weird, not unique though and completely a choice I made and there's nothing unique about that.

The actions I did to deal with grief etc. was weird, the thoughts I had were weird and to be honest I do feel overwhelmed with a lot of my actions and a lot of my thought processes and I do feel alone with it but it's OK, I know I'm confusing and I'm sorry. I'll just explain it the best I can.

Thank you again.

GraceRunner posted 10/17/2013 11:31 AM

I read your profile so I understand more fully now. I'm so sorry for the loss of your brother.

I think the good thing is that you recognize that your response to stress and sadness was "weird" - and by that I just mean destructive to you. But, you see, all of us waywards were weird in that sense because we did something so destructive rather than truly addressing the underlying problem or emotions. You aren't weird and your thought processes aren't weird either - they aren't healthy but trying to escape from pain is a very common emotional response from all humans.

I totally understand your feelings of being overwhelmed and alone. I have felt the same way and still often do. Sometimes I feel so lonely and isolated even though I have a support network and loving people in my life. I think it's because so much of the work we have to do is an internal process. And because it is dealing with things that have built up for a long time the process can seem overwhelming. Be patient with yourself and you will get there. Good luck with your session today.

[This message edited by GraceRunner at 11:37 AM, October 17th (Thursday)]

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