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Newest Member: Confused4 (61103)

User Topic: Feeling safer so now I get mad!
♀ 40317
Member # 40317
Default  Posted: 7:56 AM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's been 10 mths since the last DDay. WS has been doing everything he needs to and within the last couple weeks I feel "safer". Like a switch finally went off in my head that I trust he is not with her and has no desire to be with her. I feel relief, I feel less anxious, I feel more in the moment with my kids...but...

Now I am angry! I've always been angry, but it seems now I am finally feeling more secure and don't feel like WS is gonna bail at any reason I give am PISSED! And I'm finally really telling him how pissed I am.

I'm pissed that this choice was chosen for me. I'm pissed at all the time taken away from me and my girls. I'm pissed that I have to be in such a small town, where EVERYTHING is a trigger. Where EVERYONE I know...KNOWS. And I'm pissed that he actually believes it was the "bad" marriage that "made" him do what he did. Screw that. Your need for constant attention was what made you do it. Not the marriage. I'm done letting him believe that.

I freaked out this week in counseling. I think I even shocked our counselor with how angry I was. I haven't shown that much sheer anger since DDay#2. Kinda scaring me that I'm regressing, but maybe I just need to get it out and clear to finally feel "heard" and understood.

Anyone else have this happen to them this far out?

[This message edited by niaveone at 7:57 AM, October 17th (Thursday)]

Me: BS
Him: WS
Married: 19 years
2 children
2 DDays

Posts: 510 | Registered: Aug 2013
♂ 40202
Member # 40202
Default  Posted: 8:33 AM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

<<GRRR! >> back at you! I just posted a similar thread just now. :)

I'm dealing with anger issues as well and I don't like it. It's sabotaging all of the R efforts. I am sorry for you being in a small town AND everyone knows. I don't think I would be able to work on the M if I was under a microscope.

Good luck and I'll be following you to find out how you are doing.

“The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them.”
― Maya Angelou

Posts: 96 | Registered: Aug 2013
♀ 12802
Member # 12802
Default  Posted: 8:46 AM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think this anger is regressing in anyway. It could be that you feel safer now and can express your feelings without fear of him leaving. It could be that the things you're angry about haven't been resolved (either within the M or within yourself). I could be residual stuff that needs to be expressed in order to lay it down. Either way, it's not abnormal to feel such anger at 10 months out or even further out than that.

What I would be concerned about is

he actually believes it was the "bad" marriage that "made" him do what he did.
. Even if you pound it into his head that it was him and him alone that caused his actions, until he sincerely believes this and then addresses it, I've got a feeling that your anger will not subside over this.

What is his reaction when you talk to him about this and express your anger to him? Are you and he able to communicate effectively/productively? IMO, that's a big part of "doing everything he needs to"

[This message edited by unfound at 8:47 AM, October 17th (Thursday)]

Kids on the playground can be so cruel. “Get off the swings you’re like 50, and stop talking about Soundgarden, we don't even know what that is."

Posts: 14938 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: mercury's underboob
♀ 40462
Member # 40462
Default  Posted: 9:04 AM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We are nearly 9 months out, and I feel EXACTLY as you described. I feel like the work I put into feeling safe and building my self esteem means that I am somehow condoning or accepting the choices he made in the A, and it completely pisses me off. I feel like I need something now to remind me that I WANT this marriage, and more importantly, that my fWH DESERVES me and this marriage. He's so depressed as the reality of the damage he's done sinks in, that I have no idea how to honour both of our needs right now - it seems like all we can do is hurt each other and we don't know how to feel heard and safe to say what we need to say.

It's tough, but I'm comforted to hear that my struggle is shared by people like you.

Keep riding the waves, what the hell else can we do at this time?

me, BW: 37
FWH: 38
together 19 years, M 13 years
Dday: Feb 2013
LTA for 2+years
children: 2 boys age 6 and 9

Posts: 530 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nova Scotia, Canada
♀ 38139
Member # 38139
Default  Posted: 9:19 AM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can TOTALLY relate to your post. I am in a very angry stage right now. BUT I agree with unfound....i really don't see it as regressing. I see it as a healthy step forward....processing and working thru the anger is a very important part in healing and recovery. Pushing the anger down only breeds more anger. Let it out!!

I think its more in HOW we deal with the anger. If we deal with it like we did in the past...thats going backwards. (i am guilty of that myself on occasion.) reverting to old ways, poor communication or no communication, suppressing feelings, etc. Dealing with it in new, healthy ways is whats important. I try very hard to use the skills i have learned in MC when dealing with anger, triggers, sadness etc. Thats progress!

hugs to you!!

Me: BW
Him: WH
OW: My former "dear friend"/neighbor
Married 20+
Kids: 3
D-Day 12/2012
Committed to R 7/8/2013
"Believe in yourself and all that you are. Know that there is something inside you that is greater than any obstacle"

Posts: 357 | Registered: Jan 2013
♂ 31240
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 10:45 AM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with unfound - this is progress, not regression.

he actually believes it was the "bad" marriage that "made" him do what he did.

If he still thinks this, he's not where he needs to be, and this could be an immediate source of your anger. More important, actions are more important than words, but beliefs trump actions.

Feeling safer so now I get mad!

Nailed it, I think. At least that's how it worked for me.

I think that's why it takes about 6 months for the first rage stage in R to hit. After all, it seems reasonable to think if you want to R, and if you show the depth of your rage immediately, it could scare off a potentially remorseful WS. After the WS develops and exercises remorse and reinvests in the M, then maybe the WS can take the anger in stride.

FWIW, IIRC I hit rage at about 5 months and 12 months, and the rage built up during the A season (the 4.5 months before D-Day), so I think you're pretty much on schedule.

Enjoy your anger - it's a sign you recognize you don't deserve to be treated the way he treated you.

fBH (me) - 66 on d-day, Married 43, together 45 on d-day, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
Most of us know only our own experience. That's not enough data to support a general rule that D, or R, is right in every sitch.

Posts: 16556 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Illinois
♀ 40317
Member # 40317
Default  Posted: 12:10 PM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We had a long talk last night about our "bad" marriage and where the communication breakdown came from prior to the affair. For as long as we have been working on this (over a year), I've carried half the burden. This last week, I've really thought about the *why* of it all. *Why* did we have communication breakdown? *Why* did I have constant anger at him? *Why*?

I knew we didn't talk anymore. I knew we weren't intimate anymore. But I couldn't put my finger on *why*. I finally figured it out and it was (on my end anyway) my feeling stifled because our whole relationship has been about taking care of HIM and HIS needs. We could never do anything for me without making sure we did something for him. It was never a give and take. It was a take, take, give, take. After years of it, he wanted more and more attention. More and more time to himself. More and more *things*. We spent all our time and $$ on stuff he wanted to do. I didn't even know who I was anymore or what was *my* passion. I still don't think I do. Because, once again, I've been working on *us* and *our* problems. While he...well, I don't really know what he's been doing. He's been very introspective, but I really don't think he's recognized how much of a taker he was because I never really said anything before. Nothing that he really heard anyway.

Now he's listening. Now, while not quite understanding it, recognizes he needs IC as well as our MC. I hope he does, because I'm exhausted trying to help him. But that's been my life since I was 18 and met him. I've always put him and his needs first. That's just what I do. I really don't know how to change that. Catholic guilt and all.

Me: BS
Him: WS
Married: 19 years
2 children
2 DDays

Posts: 510 | Registered: Aug 2013
Alex CR
♀ 27968
Member # 27968
Default  Posted: 5:09 PM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I got really angry about nine months out and I do think it was because the shock had worn off and I felt safe enough to let H know how pissed I was because he was working so hard to make things right....kinda screwy but it's the way it worked out for us. I broke dishes one night....smashed them against the wall as I screamed at him....felt great to do it but also made me aware how much I needed help getting the anger under control. With help from my IC and H it did work out.

As to guilt, I have a bottle of "Guilt Away" on the counter I'll let you's lavender with water and in those moments when guilt overwhelms, you spray it on and all that Catholic guilt fades away.......

BS Me 63
WS Him 64
Married 35
Together 41
DD 11/16/09
I can dwell in the negative or seek the road is lonely...the other teeming with life.

Posts: 1861 | Registered: Mar 2010
Topic Posts: 8

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