SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

Arnold01 posted 10/17/2013 08:27 AM

My husband established NC at last seven weeks ago. We were doing really well and making great progress in R, but I have now been hit by weeks of roller coaster emotion. I am sad, I am scared that he won't grow enough, fast enough, I am scared that I will lose the strength to keep going, I am angry that my husband isn't consumed by the A and healing from it, etc. the feelings are overwhelming me - and him. He listens and reassures me, but it is scary for him, too, to see me so all over the place.

Lots of SIers talk about letting yourself feel emotion and move through the. I am definitely feeling the emotion...way too much of it right now! How do I move past them? What does moving through them really mean?

brokensmile322 posted 10/17/2013 08:39 AM

Hi Arnold,

Welcome to SI!

I posted back to someone else recently who had a similar question.

At 7 wks past NC, you just want it to be done. You want it solved. You want to move on and to stop feeling what you are feeling. You can't. You have to feel all these things you feel. I posted to the other person that if you just try to BE in the feelings you have, you will be better off. When you feel them, let yourself feel them. Don't try to solve it so you don't feel it anymore.

You often see people say that the only way to the other side of infidelity is 'through it'. And that is what they mean.

What is frustrating about this whole process is that you won't know you are through it, until you actually get to the other side or close to it. You will BE IN IT and you will be wondering what you are doing to yourself, you will question why you are still here doing it, some times you will realize you have grown some, and then you will spiral backward...and somewhere through all that, you will realize that you are making it to the other side or that you have finally arrived.

For me, that is what is meant by moving through it. Hope that helps!

TheTooGoodWife posted 10/17/2013 08:41 AM

It means that you don't fight against the feelings, embrace and accept them. Don't suppress them no matter how bad you feel. In this way there is genuine healing. Suppressing your feelings is like a bandaid over an infected wound.

He listens and reassures me, but it is scary for him, too, to see me so all over the place.

His choices put you here so he needs help you through it however you may need him to. I did something that my IC advised me to do and it helped although I felt foolish the first few times. Scream into a pillow until there is no more scream left in you and then if you feel the need to cry after go for it. Crying is very, very healing.

SorrowBhindSmile posted 10/17/2013 09:34 AM

for me, it was just simply allowing myself to feel without trying to make it all go away. It was crying when i needed to cry. raging when i needed to rage. yelling when i needed to yell. falling apart when i just couldn't go any farther. It was about letting myself think about something until i processed it, wrapped my head around it, made some small inkling of sense.

It was accepting the fact that it is OK to feel whatever i feel. I gave myself permission to just be. I gave myself permission to just live in the moment...make it thru that moment and not have to decide anything for the future. I gave myself permission to NOT make any decisions about anything in the relationship and just focus on me, my needs, my wants, my feelings, my healing.

hugs to you!

sisoon posted 10/17/2013 10:23 AM

Does the above answer your question?

Being betrayed brings on immense grief, anger, and fear, so it takes a long, long time to process the feelings out of our bodies. That's why it takes 2-5 years to recover after the last big hurt.

But you have to start from where you are. Each time you let yourself notice you're sad/mad/scared, you let your body process some of those feelings out - and the more you let the feelings flow, the more you process.

If you finding yourself thinking something like 'how could he do this to me?', you're in thinking mode and the feelings stay stuck.

It helps a little to shout, 'You SOB!', but it helps even more to shout instead, 'I'm furious that you cheated!'

It may be most efficient to self-soothe. (When I'm feeling this crap, I really don't care about efficiency, though. ) That is, if you feel sad, maybe find a quiet place to be alone and give yourself nurturing messages like it's OK to have your feelings, you're safe having your feelings, it's OK to cry, etc.

tushnurse posted 10/17/2013 10:34 AM

ITs ok Arnold. You are just at the begining of this road.
You do need to go through all the stages of grief, as if you had a loved on die. Sometimes it will seem overwhelming, and like way to much. But as time goes on you notice that the feelings aren't as intense, or last as long.

Ways to help you through the emotions, exercise, when anxiety is ramping up, go for a brisk walk or run. When you are overwhelming sad, allow yourself to cry, try journalling, getting the feelings out on paper.

Lastly if you feel like your feelings are out of control, and that you can't reign it in, then you should probably talk to your Dr. Many of us have a real response to this that ends up with real chemical changes in our bodies and brains, and antidepressant meds and antianxiety meds are needed to start navigating this shit storm.

I knew I needed something to help me, when I was only sleeping about 3 hours every 3rd night. For me getting real solid sleep was key, if I wasn't getting that, I was so emotionally out of whack it was awful. So I took ativan to help me sleep, and then had it for the times when my emotions got really ramped up, and I couldn't pull it back.

Most importantly know that what you are going through is normal, and if you H isn't being understanding of this, then too bad. He created this mess, he has to suck it up, put on his man boots, and help you through this.

Lovedyoumore posted 10/17/2013 10:49 AM

Google Kubler Ross's stages of grief. Finding out about an A in your marriage creates profound grief. Just like a death of a loved one, people move through the stages at different rates, but it is important to do it in your own time.

I think of it as walking a valley. Some people keep their head down and run through as fast as they can, never looking around. Others, like me, have to explore every nook and crannies, move slowly and maybe even go back a little ways to have a look again. Hopefully there is progress toward the end and will result in R. For some of us we have people raining down rocks on us to keep us in the valley, and sadly that may include TT or OW that will not go away. Try to keep moving and give yourself your own time to move through. It would be nice if everyone's H was right there moving right with them, but sadly, even in the best R, they also have to move through at their own rate. I find that most WS want to sprint right through and get it over with. It can be lonely but try to use it to get stronger along the way. If you find yourself dragging through on your belly, getting cut up and never looking up from the dirt, tell your IC you need more help.