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Facing dday antiversary, what can wh do to help?

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cantaccept posted 10/17/2013 08:58 AM

Just wondering, as I am already struggling this week with knowing how a ramped up this week last year. The thoughts seem to come up even when I am doing other things.

Did anyone have any experience where WS was actually able to help you?

What was it that helped you the most?

Thankfully it falls on my day off but I am already struggling.

I will plan something for myself to make me feel good and I refilled my meds if necessary.

Hoping for some positive stories, thoughts...

Almost12Years posted 10/17/2013 09:04 AM

Last year, for my first antiversary FWH planned a trip out of town for us and the kids - I did NOT want to be at home that night, as that's where he confessed. That morning and afternoon went pretty well - the distraction really helped. Once the kids were in bed and it was just the two of us, I got pretty emotional but he was right there with me. (Nighttime is usually when I get most anxious as that's when he confessed.)

For me, the weeks leading up to it were probably worse than the actual day. It was still tough, but we did try to make the best out of it and create some good memories.

tushnurse posted 10/17/2013 09:21 AM

First you need to tell H that it is coming up, and make sure he knows that you are already struggling with it.

The first Anti - H and I went out of town to an event that we had gone to previous years, and it helped.

You need to reclaim that day as yours, do something very nice for yourself, and then do something very nice for the both of you.

I tried to look at it as the opportunity finally save my M, and make it better. It was really a day to celebrate, because that was when the maddness ended, and we were really able to put in the work to make our M better.

Did that mean I breezed through it, no. I had a harder time in the days leading up to it, and I recall a day where I was so upset I left work early went home, curled up in a ball, and boo hoo'd for a while, but then I was able to focus on the positive things that had happened as a result of Dday. That made all the difference.

We just had our 5 year Anti. I made a post on here, about how strong we are, and that R is possible, but I did get upset briefly, that he had even done that to me, and when I say briefly I mean like 20 minutes. I didn't really even shed any tears.

((((and strength))))

cantaccept posted 10/17/2013 09:37 AM

The time leading up to here has been very hard on me. So many thoughts of I didn't know but now I do know what was happening. So many days that were not every day life, like vacation, bday just stuff that sticks out in my mind.

Unfortunately for me dday was not the end of a. I found and email and he left to pursue his "perfect life". The worst was yet to come. He took it from an ea to a pa and I knew what he was doing.

The memories of what he said to me then keep on coming. I try to tell myself it is in the past. He is so very new to being compassionate, I guess I don't trust that he can maintain it.

Yesterday was so bad that I wanted to leave work also. I honestly don't know how I stayed.

H was being clueless this morning, telling me what I need to do, focus on, all that did was make me feel alone. Like he didn't understand that every day when I get out of bed, go to work, make a meal it is a monumental achievement.

He did come around and apologize but he is still not a pro at this.

I guess I am hoping to show this to him.

I have also made him a calendar, back in August as that is when the tough days started. I wrote every day in and why that bothers me.

It is up to him to use the tools that I offer.

All else fails I do have meds.

cantaccept posted 10/17/2013 15:11 PM

Anybody else have a not to painful antiversary?

HardenMyHeart posted 10/17/2013 20:54 PM

Anybody else have a not to painful antiversary?

Mine wasn't painful. After dinner, we went out for coffee and discussed how far we had come over the last year. As I recall, it was rather pleasant and I came away feeling optimistic about the future.

blakesteele posted 10/17/2013 21:16 PM

Biggest help my wife has provided to me? She refrains from getting defensive...it really helps. I try to return the favor...I believe it helps her too.

That was my answer to your how a spouse can help out.

My antiversary was a good day...but you read about how mine played out. You are stronger then I am...you can do even better!

Be intentional, plan for it, practice for it....in other words, keep doing what you have been doing. You got this.

Peace be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 9:21 PM, October 17th (Thursday)]

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