Hi mattg1958. I am glad you found this site, but am sorry you had to. This is a tough journey.
My wife and I started MC the same week of my DD....BIG MISTAKE! My wife was still in her A...I didn't know it, but she was. In fact she took her A from EA to PA after 1.5 months of weekly MC and some IC sessions. She fooled me and our counselor.
And then the fog was thick...lasted for months after NC, which my wife broke via an email to her AP. Her affair ended when he did not respond to her email. So I have some painful experience that I am afraid you can relate to.
I have gained some experience since then. I hope that will help you.
I see Sisoon posted to this post....honestly, he has been a guide of sorts for me.
I have had some tremendous struggles....still do....we are R but slower then most I think. No guarantees our M will make it, no guarantees I can help you.
BUT, I am very willing to try. I have a no PM policy to female SI members, and there are not a lot of male members on here...probably why I am so fond of Sisoon and Bikingguy.
PM me, post to my old posts, however it feels comfortable.
If you don't contact me, no big deal...don't feel bad. this is tough enough without added feelings of guilt or obligations.
The biggest piece of advice I can give you is what is posted here many times and I was slow to own because I had this false thought that somehow my experience was different, unique. It is not. Yours is not. I know I haven't heard your story...but I have literally read 13 books on infidelity...many with case studies. Ours was textbook....and looking at members on here, theirs is text book too.
My advice...own the thought that your wifes A is not about you. Her decision to commit adultery, to continue to do so even as she sees you hurting, is not about you. You could not and can not love her more, hold her more, make love to her better, buy more flowers....nothing you can do could have prevented her from having her affair. Nothing you can do now can make her get anything out of counseling.
God knows I fought this fact for months, wasted soooo much energy and money on this insane course of actions. I am glad you have insurance that covers the cost of counseling. Mine does not. Counseling was still worth it...but my wife did not get anything out of it until she repented from her A (admitted it was wrong AND turned away from it) and had the courage to look inside herself and see parts of her that was ugly....that she did not want to face. MC was a total waste for months. IC was for her for a bit too. A person has to want to change before that change takes place.
For the record, MY change didn't start to occur until I stopped blaming my wife for ALL of my pain and hurt and our broken M. This takes TIME. You will learn to hate that word, but then find comfort in it.
I am also very wordy...especially when I get anxious. I am projecting a lot onto you....but sense you are doing a lions share of the work on your M now. There will be time for that IF your wife wants it too. Until she decides that, please focus on yourself...grieve the loss of the M you thought you had. I tried to skip that...doesn't work.
God be with us all.
[This message edited by blakesteele at 7:06 PM, October 17th (Thursday)]