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1bigidiot79 posted 10/17/2013 09:52 AM

I don't know why I'm posting this. I guess it's mainly because I have almost no one to talk to and I'm sitting here at work fighting back tears in my cubicle. So hopefully someone is listening.

My BW got really upset with me over the weekend. I won't go into the details but the bottom line is she thinks I have lied to her again when in reality I did hide some details from her but it was over an item I sold and was holding the money to buy her a gift. Ugh!

Anyway, ever since she has majorly regressed. This is saying a lot because she hadn't taken too many steps forward since this happened to begin with. She texted me this morning that she was miserable and she was worse than she was 12 weeks ago when she found out. Nothing I am doing is working and she said at this point there is nothing I can do. She isn't threatening divorce but she is basically saying she doesn't know what to do or what I can do to make this any better. She said she doesn't want to be in the same house as me, doesn't want to look at me and is completely miserable.

I tried to tell her to please hang on and let me show her over time that I can be the husband she needs and that I am making progress and that I truly want to change. I have been working hard but she doesn't see any of it. It's so hard.

I'm worried because this seems different than the normal roller coaster. This seems more like a deep dark reality setting in that I am scared to death of. I told her that no matter what happens that I am going to keep working on me and become a better person and dad and that I just pray she stays around long enough to see.

I don't know what else to do. She seems to be spiraling down and she will not reach out and grab my hand.

Softcentre posted 10/17/2013 10:10 AM

When you had the A, not only was it about what you did, but also about all the lies and deception. As a BS, I can tell you that you need complete transparency. No secrets at all, no matter what your intentions.

I do find it hard to take in that you hadn't realised this already. She's not going to trust you right now, how can she? She may be asking herself if it really was a gift for her...or for an OW. You may find that hard. But she cannot mind read, she cannot trust what you say and she only has your track record to go by right now.

If there is anything, anything at all that you have lied about, hidden or not wanted to remember, despite how rocky things seem, now is the time to tell her. Volunteering stuff (true stuff!) helps rebuild the trust. Her discovery of any secrets, shatters it.

I know because my WH is the king of TT, not just about the A, but other things he hid from me during most of our marriage. I wish that he could have really committed to R by complete transparency and honesty.

If there's no other hidden info from the A etc, then be open about how you feel (in fact, do this anyway). Tell her if you're having trouble getting over the OW, getting triggered etc. She probably won't like it,but the honesty will help to rebuild the trust in the long run.

Basically, allow yourself to be completely vulnerable to her, transparent, volunteer information don't wait to be asked, own your choices (no excuses or explanations because they sound like blame shifting to a BS) and say specific sorries.

I wish you well and hope you can both R

Deeply Scared posted 10/17/2013 10:16 AM

I did hide some details from her but it was over an item I sold and was holding the money to buy her a gift. Ugh

Right now, you are not in any position to hide anything from her...regardless of your intentions.

Hiding = lies/secrecy. That's the only way she is going to view it right now. Until you start to build up some credibility, just the slightest thing can and/or will set her back.

My advice is to be as transparent as possible. I know you want to surprise her with a gift, but right now isn't the time for that. That will come and probably be better received once she see's you becoming a better person

StrongerOne posted 10/17/2013 10:26 AM

Just a suggestion about a way to deal with "nice surprises". Everyone else is quite right -- you can't lie about anything or keep secrets, because your BW quite reasonably does not trust you.

The surprise gift: why not get a card and some flowers, and write in the card what you are planning to get her, and why. For instance, a bracelet with her favorite stone because you know it is her favorite and it will look good on her. Something like that. You get to give her a nice surprise, without keeping a secret about money.

BTW, little notes, texts, emails are awfully nice to get without a gift. A good gift in themselves.

Keep trying. It's only been a few months, it is going to take time and you showing her, consistently, that you are worthy of her trust.

1bigidiot79 posted 10/17/2013 10:41 AM

I totally get that I cannot hide anything from her. I told her that I realize it wasn't a very wise decision and that I would not do it again. She started talking about taking over the finances and bill paying responsibilities. I told her I had no problem with that and I didn't care about money whatsoever right now, I just care about her and our family. I even printed out the last 6 months of bank and credit card statements along with my pay stubs to prove to her that I don't stash money from her.

I am just really worried about her and where she is at right now. She is saying a lot of things that scare me. I know I have to let her make her choices and I have to live with those choices even if they are not what I want. That is easier said than done. I worry that she isn't going to give me the chance to show her in mean business and truly am seeking to change my behavior.

Like I said earlier, it just hurts so bad because I just want to help her so much but she won't let me.

whatjusthappened posted 10/17/2013 13:04 PM

I'm not sure what your lie was about, but I used to tell FWH that he wasn't able to lie about the weather anymore. If he was wearing blue socks, he sure as hell better not tell me they're brown. BS's are so scarred by a WS's lies, that ANY lie threatens R.

About 9 months after my FWH and I started R (which was going exceedingly well at that point, all things considered), he decided to surprise me by tinting my car windows. In order to do so, he had to figure out a way to borrow my car without giving away his surprise, so he made up a story that involved needing to take an extremely early morning appointment on the other side of town. I sensed he was lying, and shit hit the fan. I was dragged back to the early days, the pain was rehashed, and the trust and goodwill he worked his ass off to earn was pretty much obliterated. In my mind, he hadn't gotten it after all. I immediately assumed all of the hard work was for nothing. It didn't matter that it was a "good" or "innocent" lie. My brain didn't process it that way. It was a lie. Period. I was fairly sure I was done. The pain was that great, 8 months out.

It took me about a week to be able to cycle through all of that and process it. An emergency MC appt helped me to do that. But even now, almost 2 years out, my H is not allowed to fully "surprise" me. It sounds boring, but we have a system wherein he has to tell me that he's planning a surprise for (date) and that it will cost approx. (amount). There have been a couple times that I've made him tell a trusted mutual friend so that s/he can assure me that everything's on the up and up.

I'm not certain if you were trying to surprise your BW similarly, but if so, perhaps time and repeated reassurance from you (and possibly an MC appt?) will help her to work through what I'm hoping was not an A-related lie. But be mindful - there are no longer little white lies or "okay" lies in an M that's been hit with infidelity. Ruining the surprise you wanted to buy is a small price to keep R on track.

emotionalgirl posted 10/17/2013 14:36 PM

I am sorry to say that I am with everyone else in this. My WH withheld the truth from me on Sunday night. It was all in innocence on his part but for me it has taken a week to verify facts, and process the lie. He has of course been stressing all week because I have been angry and confused and generally taking 5 steps back....all because of what he perceived to be an innocent lie! Not cool when you are trying to R.

In the BS world my WH doesn't even get to stop after work to pick up flowers without telling me. That may change later but right now the wounds are still too raw and everytime he isn't where he says when he says it rips the scab right back off!

[This message edited by emotionalgirl at 2:36 PM, October 17th (Thursday)]

1bigidiot79 posted 10/17/2013 14:50 PM

Thanks to everyone who has responded. My eyes have been opened. I have been minimizing this because in my mind it was for something good for her. I now see how she must be viewing this through her eyes.

What is ironic is I really didn't start this thread directly because of what happened this weekend. I was just feeling down in the dumps because she seemed to be regressing so much. I'm so stupid sometimes. I didn't even put it together that this was such a big deal to her and that is probably why she is reacting this way. You guys gave me great advice about something I didn't even know I needed advice on!

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