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Arguing- outside of affair..but I'm never outside his affair

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lucy17 posted 10/17/2013 10:39 AM

Yesterday I moved some furniture on my own, because I do that. H didn't like that I moved it. The way he expressed his dislike, he felt was nice and careful. I found it condescending. We tried talking about it and every time he said, "What were you thinking? What if you had broken the $2500 tv?" I lost any semblance of rationality.
"Really! Really?!! What was I thinking? Worst case scenario I break a goddamn tv? What the fuck were you thinking? What was your BEST case scenario you hypocrite?"
Yeah. So...I am 9 weeks out from last D-day -is this normal? Will it get better? Will I always trigger and be angry and bitter?

bionicgal posted 10/17/2013 10:46 AM

I think the "everything is about the affair" feeling will diminish. I had those feelings as well -- like, how dare you correct ME! Ha ha.

It does sound like you guys could use some MC, though. I would have bristled at his comment as well.

lucy17 posted 10/17/2013 12:14 PM

Another rant--still a bit angry.
There is no "outside" the affair right now (9-weeks!!). It's not fair. Welcome to the world you (Husband) created. Be patient and support me through this or get the hell out of my way. I am healing.
If H can't handle the "unfairness" of it (!!!!) I will heal on my own.

Razor posted 10/17/2013 12:19 PM

Until your WH affair is resolved in your mind EVERY argument will be about the affair. This goes on for a while.

In time you will learn to see your self associating unrelated actions by your WH to his affair and be able to set that aside and respond with reason. It takes time though.

ionlytalkedtoher posted 10/17/2013 12:21 PM

I have been there. Just displaced anger all the time. My main one was about this speeding ticket I got that HE didn't want to pay for...ohhhh yeahh but I am supposed to PAY for your affair and all your lies...who PAYS for that???? but yet he didn't want to pay 100 dollars for me...whatever. Still so angry about that. It just seems wrong. I totally get the TV scenario.

meplusfour posted 10/17/2013 12:26 PM

Exactly where I am at. I am going to IC tomorrow to address this issue. For R to be successful and for me to recover, I need to be able to stop bringing everything back to the A. It gets tiring and I need to be able to start moving away from our relationship being defined by this issue.

I do not have any deep advice but wanted to let you know that you are not alone.

heyjules2012 posted 10/17/2013 12:41 PM

I'm 10 months out and once in while it seeps out. I call it "stubbing my toe", I just shake it off and keep walking.
But at nine weeks absolutely everthing negative that happened was because of the affair!!

eachdayisvictory posted 10/17/2013 14:16 PM

I would say the times you can catch yourself, it helped me to hold my tongue at the moment, write it down, and bring it up later when I was calmer. Sometimes I would find that I didn't even need to bring it up after I had some time and distance. If you feel like you don't want to relate it all to the A, tell your H later that day what your thoughts are about your reaction and his. My H was surprised to discover that I didn't like some of my reactions any more than he did, and it helped to bring us together.

You're pretty fresh though, forgive yourself, do what YOU need to, and keep putting one foot in front of the other.

SuperDuperWonderboy posted 10/17/2013 14:24 PM

I will heal on my own.

Lucy, regardless of his actions. The sad/simple/unfair/liberating truth is that you will heal "on your own."

He can help heal the marriage, maybe even help with some of the small stuff. But the majority of the healing will come from you. It will be his actions that determine whether you decide that the healed you wants to stay married to him.

But healing will come, and it will be your victory.

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