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an open letter-- a step towards acknowledgment & acceptance

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nealos posted 10/17/2013 10:51 AM

I wrote this letter to my xF as a part of my grieving exercise-- I'm sharing it (with a stop sign) because I want to let other waywards know that it is okay to have feelings of anger. All feelings are our feelings, and I think it's incredibly helpful and loving to be kind to ourselves about our feelings. We can't "control" having them. My feelings of sadness and anger are mine-- my thoughts that come from those feelings are a valuable and worthwhile part of who I truly am. Evidence of my soul is in the expression of my feelings; my expression of my feelings is in this letter. My expression/letter comes from love with a careful awareness towards self-righteousness. I'm not posting this for my BS to see-- she's not on this site, she's under no threat of the message. I only thought it would be helpful for other waywards to see. I want to share my experience, strength and hope-- a cornerstone of my recovery. Waywards, please be kind to your BSs, but also be kind to yourselves and allow yourselves to have feelings of all kinds-- don't feel guilty for being angry or resentful. Awareness -> acknowledgement -> action -> healing. I feel like that's a journey we all need to take in some form or another. Find your own path-- you won't do it perfectly, so go ahead and get started.

"Iím still mad at you. Iím mad because you left me. You left me hurting, scared, confused and down. We built a relationship to support each other, and I needed you more than ever when you left. My world was turned upside down, and I just needed you to be there. I didnít need you to be strong-- I didnít need you to save me. I just needed you to BE THERE. I needed you to love me. Love in this case isnít blind and dumbÖ love in this case is loyal and faithful. Iím sure youíre saying to yourself something like, ďyeah, that sounds great-- but where was YOUR faithful and loyal love when you were cheating on me?Ē From your perspective, my infidelity was proof that I didnít love you. You didnít possess the knowledge of addiction nor the emotional capacity to empathize with me. I donít blame you for that, but I really needed you to choose to love me enough that youíd at least try to understand what I was going through-- to at least try to see things from my perspective-- to at least try to learn about addiction. I was sick (and I still am). I had (and still have) a brain disorder. A disorder that led me to insulate against the uncomfortable feelings of vulnerability and intimacy. A disorder that allowed me to construct a partitioning of reality where on one side I was normal and on the other side I was an addict. A disorder I never knew about and that existed long before I ever met you. You didnít understand what was happening, and you got scared and ran away. Something you had been taught about love and relationships told you that me recovering from an addiction was something you shouldnít have to deal with this early in a relationship. But you told me that if we had married first, it wouldíve been different. So maybe 2 months later when we had a marriage license?-- maybe 5 years later when we had kids?-- maybe 25 years later when had financial security? When would have been the right time to deal with a crisis? There will be crises, and you canít plan for them.

The reality is that now Iím in recovery-- My life has pivoted on a spiritual awakening and awareness & love are my driving forces. God, I wish I could share that with you."

[This message edited by nealos at 5:52 PM, October 20th (Sunday)]

Deeply Scared posted 10/17/2013 15:01 PM


Thank you for sharing, I do feel its important to purge out negative feelings. I'm glad you expressed yourself and gave your feelings a voice

BaxtersBFF posted 10/17/2013 18:43 PM

Hi nealos,

I'm glad you're getting all og this stuff out too. Fro. That short letter it still sounds like there is a jumble of emotions and stuff you are working to sort out. Keep it up. Wishing you peace.

knightsbff posted 10/17/2013 19:52 PM


Thanks for your example of feeling your feelings. Sitting with them. Helpful for me and, I'm guessing, others as well.

nealos posted 10/18/2013 08:16 AM

I read this this morning-- I still "struggle with the struggle," so to speak. It's pretty apparent in my letter. I wrote my letter to give my feelings a voice, but I wasn't fully prepared to hear what they were saying. Ughhh :)

PJ Carnes:

"Life is often unfair. Suffering, fear and hurt will be there. We must know how to transform bad experiences into assets. We call this resilience. In the Twelve Step programs, the widely used phrase, "nothing is wasted" captures the truth that there are always critical lessons in the struggle. No matter what the disaster is, we must seek learning, meaning and opportunity. Finding peace and joy in the struggle is humankind's most important task."

and then later...

"We lose serenity when we invest in the pain. Mostly, this means resisting change or believing we have more control than we do. Growing up means abandoning what we once believed to be true, divesting ourselves of those impassioned arguments about fairness, and allowing the larger force of the universe to work through us."

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