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Newest Member: SadDadOf3 (46038)

User Topic: To the dads that interact with their kids...
simplydevastated
♀ 25001
Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 11:32 AM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you.

I just came home from a parent/student luncheon with DD7. We had a great time. I met a few of her friends and their parents. After lunch we went out to recess with them. I saw one dad running around the playground with his son and his friends. The boys were hanging off him while he was attempting to walk. The look on that man's face was pure happiness. Like there was no other place in the world that he would rather be at that moment. Then I saw my daughter playing with her friend and I it got me thinking. My husband never does that stuff. When we go to the park he doesn't even watch them play, he's always on his cell phone texting/skyping or watching a gaming video. If he does pull his head out of his phone it's to yell at them for some reason.

I wish my kids had a father who wanted to interact with them.

When it was time to go she started to cry, she said that she'll miss me. It was a happy and sad day. But I wouldn't trade it for anything. It's a shame that he'll miss out on his kids because of a stupid phone.

Again, to all the dads that interact with their kids I thank you. Not every child is lucky enough to have that in their lives.


Me - BS, 39 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS10, DD7
Married, for now... (4+ D-Day - listed in profile.)

Posts: 5854 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
maddmurph
♂ 40940
Member # 40940
Default  Posted: 11:36 AM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for noticing. Society does not encourage us to interact with kids. We are supposed to earn the money to pay for the house and the clothes and everything else. We aren't supposed to actually do anything with them, that's women's work. That's also crazy talk. I wouldn't trade my time with my kids for anything. I actually made the choice of them over my career. I work from home so I can see them more. I have no future for advancement because of it. I think it's a good trade.


Me - BS, 33
Her - WW, 33
DS 7, DD 3

Posts: 129 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: OH
chipmunk41
♀ 40694
Member # 40694
Default  Posted: 12:04 PM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Same with my H...

During his A he was either on the cellphone or PC all the time. I remember our kids wanting to do things with dad. But no, he rather spent his time texting or chatting.
Since everything came out he spends a lot more time with the kids, unfortunately now the kids don't want to


wake me up when it's over...

Posts: 48 | Registered: Sep 2013
ionlytalkedtoher
♀ 39802
Member # 39802
Default  Posted: 12:17 PM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is my number 1 complaint in my marriage and brings me to tears. its our #1 argument.

Thing is--he is a pro at appearing to others that he interacts.

He says well my dad never did stuff with us and I still respected him! Whatever--I don't give a crap about his relationship with his dad, I care about our kids and their dad!!

Initially he did about zero in our early years, now he has come around to about 50%. Yes, I applaud him on his improvements but I still want more for the sake of the kids. The kids still want more!

My biggest pet peeve is facebook. He won't stop on that--phone as well, but facebook more.


Posts: 264 | Registered: Jul 2013
simplydevastated
♀ 25001
Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 8:23 PM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

maddmurph, I agree with you. That is pretty crazy. When your kids are grown they'll look back at everything you've done for them and they'll appreciate it that much more. You're doing a great job.

That is sad, chip. My kids always ask him to do things and his usual response is "later." I hope his getting high scores on his video games is worth it.

ionly, it's the reverse with us. He used to be involved and since Dday he's shut down, turned victim, and nasty. I hope your husband can get off FB before your kids are grown and it's too late to do anything with them.

[This message edited by simplydevastated at 8:24 PM, October 17th (Thursday)]


Me - BS, 39 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS10, DD7
Married, for now... (4+ D-Day - listed in profile.)

Posts: 5854 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
FeelingMN
♂ 32240
Member # 32240
Funny  Posted: 5:52 AM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My youngest and I have a pretty special bond. Initially it was her that kept me in the marriage because it was one thing that was too difficult to give up. I love all my kids. It's kind of funny that each one has their own favorite parent. I like helping with homework.


Me 41
fWW 37
DD(19), DS(17), DD(11) (Mine, hers, ours)
Together 14y, Married 12
DDay Aug 2010, 4 mos TT & gaslighting
ONS + EA after 15yr Class reunion out of state

Posts: 267 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Minnesota
ninebark
♀ 24534
Member # 24534
Default  Posted: 6:07 AM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ugh, my biggest pet peeve. My ex makes an appearance when he can but then spends all his time talking to other fathers, or on his cell phone talking or texting. It is sad really.

What makes it even sadder for him is that DS now goes to my BF all the time for stuff. Because BF plays sports with him, plays video games and board games with him. INcludes him in everything we do and listens to him even if it a subject he knows nothing about or even cares about.

I often watch other dads who are so into their kids and wish DS had that, heck I wish I had had that growing up.


BS (me) 40
WH - 48
Married 12 years
DS - 12
D-day 06/21/09
Separated....hopefully divorcing soon.

Posts: 630 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Canada
blakesteele
♂ 38044
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 6:10 AM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the kind words towards Dads.

I have always enjoyed our daughters...I also know Dads like you described, the non engaged Dads. I am not sure how the bonding never took place with some of them. I was hesitant to have kids, never thought I would be a good Dad...married 7 years before we had our first, because of my hesitation.

Now I wish I had more!

I did trigger a bit when you referenced your husband on his phone while his kids played.

My wife has been a very good Mom. Her A was very much fed via her phone and texting....much of which took place as she got our girls ready for school and her AP got his 5 kids ready for school...then continued as they dropped kids off and then met up to carry on their A.

My wife swears she would never abandon her kids like she did me during her A.

I have thought to myself....REALLY?!? What were you doing while you were in your A and texting him while you where with our daughters? Werent there times when you were anxiously wanting to drop the girls off so you could go have your fun? Werent their times when you were reading them their bedtime stories thinking about your AP, wishing you could get the girls to sleep so you could go upstairs and text text text (timeline info I pieced together via phone bills showing late night texting while we were all in the house sleeping) Wasn't this a form of abandonment so that you could selfishly feed your own desires over those of anyone else...including your daughters?


At the end of the day that is behind us...just triggered on the phone reference and how it comes between a Dad and his family. It came between a Mom and this family too.

I use my wifes texting to her AP while with our daughters as a motivator for me to put down my phone when I am with our daughters....even when I want to check on SI!

I really do thank you for this kind post. SI is predominantly women members and it is nice to see that some recognize that adultery is not just a selfish Dad thing...that their are family oriented Dads out here.

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 6:26 AM, October 18th (Friday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred.

Posts: 4128 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
jb3199
♂ 27673
Member # 27673
Default  Posted: 6:17 AM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This will be one of the things that I question myself to the day I die.

I am involved with my two kids, but I am also a heavy worker. I have been 6 days and 70 hours a week since before they were born. I work Saturdays, which meant that I was not there for many of the sports outings, and so on. It is my drive not the fail them financially that has always been one of my biggest issues.

But on the other hand, I have always been loving and involved in all the other aspects. I go to their school nights and other activities, and we do try to vacation annually...because that is what we want to do. My older son is special needs, and is bonded stronger with me than anyone.

As I type this, I feel like I am trying to justify myself, and that is either because I want you to know that I am in involved parent, or it is because I am insecure and unsure if I have done enough--and am questioning myself.

The one thing I will say is that I have always been steady---from since they have been born to where they are today, I have been a constant figure...even if I should have been home more hours of the day.


BH-47
WW-44
2 boys-17 & 20(special needs)
Married 22yrs.(together 27yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day: 9/18/09 D-Day#2: 2/19/10 The Marriage Killer: 6/6/11
Heading for D


Posts: 2147 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: northeast
blakesteele
♂ 38044
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 6:33 AM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi jb3199.

I understand your concerns. Just wanted to point out what I took away from simplydevastated post. It is not the quantity of time Dads spend with their kids, its the quality of the time.

She talks about a Dad who is physically present but mentally not there. Sounds like you are mentally with your kids many times during the day when you are physically separated from them. And when you are physically present (and it appears you intentionally make it a point to see that this happens) you are mentally there as well.

You are doing well.

Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters is a book that speaks to this....how a Fathers greatest role is to just be there emotionally first and physically second...both are important.

The one thing I will say is that I have always been steady---from since they have been born to where they are today, I have been a constant figure...

You have figured this out without reading books...congratulations!

May I ask what your family was like? What where your role models doing in your family...specifically your Dad?

You owe me nothing, and I am glad you are committed to your family.

God be with us all.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred.

Posts: 4128 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
ionlytalkedtoher
♀ 39802
Member # 39802
Default  Posted: 7:33 AM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

the bonding thing--In the early years of our marriage, my H worked non-stop. By the time I had 4 kids my H was emmersed in his job. He left by 6am before the kids were awake and didn't return until they were in bed after 8pm. He just didn't have the opportunity to connect to them.

there's that and the fact that both his dad and he share...It's weird but i notice that they both want the child to come to them first instead of them going to the child. His dad actually told me that when my kids were small--that he won't go to them that he wants the child to come to them... What it is says is that there is an ego issue thing.

that being said, the last 2 kids--especially the baby, my H is 180 different with. He sees her as a chance to do things right. He doesn't work as many hours now etc... but still its like I have to force him to form that same bond with the older ones... the bond with the younger ones developed more naturally.

The time spent on the affairs did nothing but hurt the situation as well. Any time spent thinking of and forming relationships with someone other than our family is wrong. When I was putting the kids to bed in the last 2 years--he could have been doing that--but yes, he was texting OW...and on the phone with her. I heard talking while I was with the kids and I was wondering who he was talking to yet he had an excuse.


Posts: 264 | Registered: Jul 2013
simplydevastated
♀ 25001
Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 8:58 AM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FeelingMN, children and parents bond in their own ways. It's pretty cool to see the different connections.

What makes it even sadder for him is that DS now goes to my BF all the time for stuff. Because BF plays sports with him, plays video games and board games with him. INcludes him in everything we do and listens to him even if it a subject he knows nothing about or even cares about.

nine, at least your son has a positive influence in his life. That's fantastic that your BF does all that stuff with him.

Blake, I'm sorry my post triggered you.

JB, please don't feel that you have to justify anything to me or anyone else. It sounds like you're trying to balance work and life. You go to the school nights and I'm sure while you're there they have your full attention and you're not on your cell phone.

It is not the quantity of time Dads spend with their kids, its the quality of the time.

This is it exactly. When your kids look back they'll say "Sure dad worked a lot, but he still made time for us, he took an interest in my school work and activities. He was still there." My son, when he looks back, will say "My dad yelled at me, pushed me through the the front door then tried to lie about, was always on his cell/ipad/video games."

JB, you're doing a great job with your kids.


Me - BS, 39 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS10, DD7
Married, for now... (4+ D-Day - listed in profile.)

Posts: 5854 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
NeverAgain2013
♀ 38121
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 9:14 AM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You know, I've often thought most dad's were like this - paying little to no attention to their kids while they're madly textinga way or interacting with their damned phones, etc.

Having read various OW support boards in the past, to hear the OW tell it, they think their married men are demi-gods and GREAT, involved fathers and deserve a reward or something. They go on to claim that he's SUCH a great father, that he could NEVER leave his precious children for HER, and she ADMIRES him for such GREAT parenting, don'tcha know?

As I'd suspected, after reading a lot of these posts above, the 'great' father bullcrap is yet just another delusion of the OWs.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1956 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
blakesteele
♂ 38044
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

to hear the OW tell it, they think their married men are demi-gods and GREAT, involved fathers and deserve a reward or something. They go on to claim that he's SUCH a great father, that he could NEVER leave his precious children for HER, and she ADMIRES him for such GREAT parenting, don'tcha know?

This is romantic love at its finest...projecting what we want to see so completely..even when blatant evidence is so "visible" (see my discussion of how my wife and her AP conducted their A...basically right in the faces of their children...and yet how they beleived they were not abandoning or hurting their children...that they were somehow acting honorably because they admitted to each other that what they were doing was wrong but they kept the A alive, that they were simply "meant to be together").

Sad part is my wifes AP has a wife who feeds into this...still remember how, when I met with her to give her the emails and phone records highlighting her husbands affair, she spent 7 of the 15 minutes of that meeting telling me how SHE had failed HIM! How SHE failed the family!

Her husband is onto another woman, into another affair.

God help us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 9:53 AM, October 18th (Friday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred.

Posts: 4128 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
Topic Posts: 14

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