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Newest Member: sassylee (45766)

User Topic: So We're Headed to MC
jzkc1502
40496
Member # 40496
Default  Posted: 12:04 PM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've posted before about my story, which is 3 years ago my husband had been calling/texting escorts from Craigslists for many months...during the time he was doing it we were married and he even did it on our honeymoon. While I never had any proof anything physical ever happened or he ever met one, it still to this day is something I am not over.

Last week in our SPOTLESS car, I found one lone Vicodin in the center console. He swears he has no idea how it got there, but I absolutely don't believe that. Then, on Sunday I found 2 random condoms hidden in the pouch on the back of the passenger seat. While we have been using condoms as I'm not on the pill, he says he hid them there after one time we talked about fooling around in the car. I have no idea what to believe now. I left Sunday night and stayed at a friends house. 2 days ago I said we have 2 options...we can divorce or we can try MC again. He keeps saying he didn't cheat and he won't let me leave. Believe him now is so difficult since he lied so much back when he was doing the escort thing. Why am I supposed to believe him now? I'm terrified something more is going to come out in MC.


Me: BS 29
Him: WH 29
Together: 9 years, married 3
DDay: August 2010
OW: Escorts/Craigslist (escorts and strip club on our honeymoon!)
Status: Divorcing. All papers filed, waiting on date.

Posts: 139 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: NJ
WomanScorned0522
♀ 41025
Member # 41025
Default  Posted: 2:45 PM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Believe your gut! And mark your condoms. Just take a sharpie and make a little mark in the corner of the condom. No one else would notice it there but you and then you know for sure if they are your condoms.


I live at a rate of several WTF's per hour.

Posts: 8 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Nashville, TN
iwillNOT
♀ 40605
Member # 40605
Default  Posted: 2:56 PM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((jzkc)))

Sounds like you are struggling to make yourself believe him, but your gut is saying otherwise. Listen to your gut.

Sounds suspicious to me. I'm sorry. I hope I am wrong.


Me: BS, 43
Him: WH, 44
Together 21 years
Married 14 years
Kiddos 2,6,8,10
Dday#1 2004, 3 years after EA/PA co-worker MOW
Dday#2 8-6-13, 13 months EA/9months PA with co-worker MOW - caught not confessed
Rugsweep now, pay later. Ask me how I know.

Posts: 514 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest
jzkc1502
40496
Member # 40496
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yea my gut is telling me something, and I don't like it.

What really bothers me is he says "I won't let you leave me, you're not leaving me". It makes me mad because I feel like he thinks he can do whatever he wants, and I'm not "allowed" to leave him so I have to stick through anything and everything.


Me: BS 29
Him: WH 29
Together: 9 years, married 3
DDay: August 2010
OW: Escorts/Craigslist (escorts and strip club on our honeymoon!)
Status: Divorcing. All papers filed, waiting on date.

Posts: 139 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: NJ
SoVerySadNow
♀ 36711
Member # 36711
Default  Posted: 5:46 PM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He could also be taking condoms out of the home box for use otherwise. So I'd mark them, but also mark the ones in the car differently so you can tell them apart. If he replenishes his car, you'll know.
I'm jaded.


Me:BW
Him:WH
D-day(s),after years of TT and Gaslighting was Labor Day Weekend 2012, continuing for a week after. *Dammit! More TT 3/9/13
Really trending toward D- planning about it is my "happy place" now.

Posts: 1292 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Sunny Florida
SerJR
♂ 14993
Member # 14993
Default  Posted: 7:07 PM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your gut is your subconcious, processing through all of your experience, making sense of all the inconsistencies, screaming out what your mind does not want to believe. Sometimes our gut feel is wrong... but when you look at the situation objectively for the easiest answer with the least assumptions and no contradictions... and that matches up, chances are you are right. Of course he has an excuse for everything... but I have doubts about giant space bunnies or whatever the hell his line of the day is being responsible.

Your WH's behaviour doesn't surprise me. From your very first sentence, it sounds like he an an inflated sense of self entitlement and has wrapped his ego in around this. It's no surprise that "he's not allowing you to leave". These types do not do well with rejection or failure and that is what reality is threatening him with. He does not want both worlds colliding.

You were right to stand up for yourself and draw a clear line in the sand. You need to respect yourself and your rights. And I think this scares the shit out of him, so he's blustering and trying to control you. The question is - are you prepared to back up what you say with action?

It's hard to say how MC will roll out. He very well may use it as a venue to further cloud and confuse the issues.

I think while you try to figure this out, a hard 180 is in your favour. Check it out in the Healing Library. It is a mechanism for you to rebuild self esteem and detach from the mind-games. You want to see a marked and verifiable change in his behaviour over the long term. If not you must decide if you are better off to leave. His current behaviour is not conducive to reconciliation based upon honesty and respect. You deserve better. Believe that and believe in yourself.

[This message edited by SerJR at 7:16 PM, October 17th (Thursday)]


Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

Posts: 17109 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Further North than South
solus sto
♀ 30989
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 7:19 PM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((jzkc)))) At this stage, there is no point in MC.

MC with a remorseless man who has an inflated sense of entitlement is emotional suicide for the BS.

Instead, 180. Work on yourself, and let him do...whatever.

MC will GUT you.

And speaking of gutting: you know what your gut's telling you? Stop telling it to hush. Respect it. Quietly observe, if you want---but stop telling it to hush.

With time, you will see how things are unfolding, and can make an informed decision.

Either he will step up to the plate, or he will continue being a lying, cheating excuse for a man.


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 9044 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
LearningToFly
♀ 39073
Member # 39073
Default  Posted: 11:59 PM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So very sad has a good idea. Mark the ones in the car differently so you will know if they have been used and replaced.


Me - BS (53) Him-WS(58)
Her OW(55) HighSchoolGirlfriend
Together 30 years Married 28 Kids 24,21,18
D day Feb 26 2013 after 20 months
D day March 4 they met again "to say goodbye"
D day April 2 found out about secret email

Posts: 188 | Registered: Apr 2013
jzkc1502
40496
Member # 40496
Default  Posted: 8:28 AM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I knew that the condoms were not from ones in the house, he admitted that he went to a porn store to look for something for us, and bought 2 from I guess some jar they keep at the register. So apparently he goes in and thats the only 2 things he buys then hides them in the car for "us". It just doesn't make sense. I feel like if we wanted to do something in the car we'd take one from the house with us, not some crappy one from the porn store "jar o' condoms".


Me: BS 29
Him: WH 29
Together: 9 years, married 3
DDay: August 2010
OW: Escorts/Craigslist (escorts and strip club on our honeymoon!)
Status: Divorcing. All papers filed, waiting on date.

Posts: 139 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: NJ
Drowninginitall
♀ 40968
Member # 40968
Default  Posted: 10:15 AM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please trust your instincts and listen to what they're telling you. Yes counseling will gut you, however if it will give you the answers you need to decide what to do to move forward it's very important right now. I do also believe that there cannot be success in counseling unless the other party is willing to lay it out, be honest, and truthful like their life depends on it. Good luck.

Posts: 121 | Registered: Oct 2013
jzkc1502
40496
Member # 40496
Default  Posted: 11:06 AM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm really hoping that I can somehow get full disclosure in MC. Even when we did MC before, which was just a week or so after DDay, I feel like I wasn't getting it. Now that we're 3 years past DDay and I have these new things to make sense of, I want to go to MC and maybe now he is in a better spot to lay it all out.

I told him I will do MC to see if things are salvagable. He doesn't like when I use the phrase "to see if...." because it implies that I haven't taken divorce off the table. In truth, I have not taken that out of my mind, but he says he wants MC "to make our marriage stronger". I can't even get to that point yet since I feel like not only while he married me (since he was sexting escorts on our honeymoon) but in the last 3 years he hasn't been 100% truthful with me.


Me: BS 29
Him: WH 29
Together: 9 years, married 3
DDay: August 2010
OW: Escorts/Craigslist (escorts and strip club on our honeymoon!)
Status: Divorcing. All papers filed, waiting on date.

Posts: 139 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: NJ
Emptyshelldad
♂ 32292
Member # 32292
Default  Posted: 6:01 PM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

polygraph. he who has nothing to hide, hides nothing.


Me: BH - 28, Her: WW - 31, 10 years, 5 months, 6 days.
2 beautiful daughters. 1 devious, deceitful, serpant-like liar of a wife.
"oh god this has brought a path of destruction and scorching pain leaving in its wake a charred wasteland of a onc

Posts: 149 | Registered: May 2011 | From: emptyshelldad
Topic Posts: 12

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