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How Long Does Thinking of the Affair Last?

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anonymous823 posted 10/17/2013 12:24 PM

I am 5 months out and I still thinking of the affair incessantly. I also recall the last conversation with the other woman and ruminate on things I should have said to hurt her.


I've stopped googling her as I realized that while she looked happy in her pictures I'm hurting myself and losing sleep when I should be focusing happily on the start of the graduate program I just began and working on learning the city I just moved to. Instead I'm unable to focus and my mind still veers to her and the injustice of it all. I want to make it stop.

When does the rumination end?

I've just found a new therapist so I'm hoping he can help me with these obsessive thoughts.

I resent that neither she or my SO lose sleep over this but I'm still wounded.

suposd2btheonly1 posted 10/17/2013 12:59 PM

I'm a little over 2 months out and I have no advice but want you to know that you are not alone in your thinking. I hope it subsides and becomes easier for you

I think I can posted 10/17/2013 13:01 PM

I hate to tell you, but it was probably two years before it didn't come into my mind every day.

LoveActually posted 10/17/2013 13:05 PM

4.5 years for me and never had a day free of it not crossing my mind--doesn't hurt at all like it did but it's still there.

notquiteoverit posted 10/17/2013 13:16 PM

I'm just a few months shy of 3 years and still think about it every day. But, some of the emotions have died down.

MrsDoubtfire posted 10/17/2013 13:23 PM

Yup. \o/
Holding my hands up. I still think about it daily. But it's not a raw wound any more. It's just 'there' KWIM?

Those initial all encompassing invasive thoughts will ease and then you find you think about it but in a different way.

After my dad died I was consumed with grief. I thought I'd never get over it but now I think of him often and with sadness. Just not with the raw heart rending grief attached to those thoughts.

It's the same with your thoughts on the A and the OP. It does help if your spouse gets it though as they can help mend what they so heinously broke!

OldCow18 posted 10/17/2013 13:24 PM

I am over 4 months in and in the same boat as you. Looking back I do realize that I have progressed, I'm functioning better and I'm able to steer my mind a tiny bit when the mind movies come, but regardless, the situation and all it entails is on my mind 90% of every day.

64fleet posted 10/17/2013 13:25 PM

It was six years ago next month. I'll let you know when/if it goes away.

SuperDuperWonderboy posted 10/17/2013 14:02 PM

I am almost at two years. Not a day goes by where I don't think about it.

Buuuut. Thinking about it now is not nearly as painful as it used to be. It's more of a blip or crossing thought. The pain isn't nearly as intense....although there are times where it still hurts to the core of my being. these instances become more infrequent as time marches on.

[Edited to fix the two month mistake--thanks Sal!]

[This message edited by SuperDuperWonderboy at 2:14 PM, October 17th (Thursday)]

Sal1995 posted 10/17/2013 14:08 PM

I think my buddy SDWB meant two years instead of two months.

I hit 8 months today, so we're kind of in the same boat. It's never far from my mind. Still, it's much better than it was 2-3 months ago. After hitting the 6-month mark in August I started seeing an improvement. Backslid a little recently after catching my wife in a silly lie (WonderBoy can relate), but was able to move past that easier than I would have been able to earlier this year.

I hope you see an improvement soon, a823.

frigidfire86 posted 10/17/2013 14:14 PM

I'm 2.5 years out and still think about it daily. I hope this doesn't last forever.

TrustGone posted 10/17/2013 14:18 PM

I don't think it ever really ends. With XWH#1 and 22yrs of drunken ONS's and EA, it finally ended when I D him. Now with WH#2 and the last 2yrs of tryng to R, it still is constantly there eating at me. Sometimes I just want to get a D so maybe I can get to the place of indifference that I did with XWH#1, but I actually love him and don't want a D. I wish I had the answer for you, but I don't. Just a (((HUG))) to say I am so sorry that he hurt you.

crazyblindsided posted 10/17/2013 14:22 PM

20 months out and I still think about it most of the day

7yrsflushed posted 10/17/2013 14:35 PM

Over 2 years out and I don't think about the A at all anymore. However there always seems to be something that you do think about it just doesn't hurt as much anymore. I am getting divorced. I actually can go about my day without thinking of the A but the anger at my EX is a different story. It doesn't control my life but it's still there and it's always triggered by having to deal with her like on our weekly kid drop offfs.

My suggestion find something you are passionate about and do it, especially on bad days. For me it was working out and running. My anger fuels my workouts and being worn out at the end helped me sleep at night. I also lost a ton of wieght as a side effect. You don't have to be a gym rat though, find something you are passionate about and get to it. It does helps.

SadFlower posted 10/17/2013 16:37 PM

14 months out and hardly an hour goes by that I don't think about it.

And this is with a remorseful and loving FWH.

But, the intensity of the emotion has gone down, it's not so much rage anymore as hurt.

heartache101 posted 10/17/2013 16:50 PM

22 years here!
But I will say it is different most days then it is the first few years. The extreme emtions of the hurt is not there. Now it is more really really just what was he thinking? Look at them now the APs? Nasty nasty immoral people. It is not painful stop me in my tracks it just is. I understand going thru what I have has made me the person I am today but I would love to have my heart back unbroken!

Lucky2HaveMe posted 10/17/2013 19:00 PM

Like every life experience the A is now a part of who you are so you will never be without it.

7 years later I still think about it, it's not all consuming and is no longer heart wrenching pain, but it's still there. I accept that it always will be.

It does get better with a lot of work, healing, time.

LeopoldB posted 10/17/2013 20:19 PM

8 years and it's now only an occasional bother, not intense like the first few years. The dreams dropped off after a few years - - I sort of miss the good ones.

mchercheur posted 10/17/2013 20:31 PM

2 yrs 5 mos 6 days out.
Still think about it several times per day, but I think I think the following 3 factors have contributed to the length of time:

1. WH still works in the same building with OW, so every morning when he leaves for work I wonder if he is going to run into her. If she was completely out of the picture, I think I would feel much differently

2. I was cheated on in my first marriage also--his A ended the marriage, because I would never stay with someone who did that to me, but...there were no kids involved, so I was making the decision for myself only. The fact that both of my husbands betrayed me really makes me question if there is something wrong with me

3. WH#2 ( the present WH) still has a LOT of work to do to make this right---he still doesn't really "get it."
He has made a few tiny tiny baby steps, but it is going very very slowly.

The pain is not as raw now as it was in the beginning.

spinning73 posted 10/17/2013 20:56 PM

6 months post dd now. At 4 mos I realized for the Irish time, "hey, I feel happy today". Still haven't had a day I don't think about the A, but I can get lost in work or activities for a few hours and not think about it. Then, I'll have a couple bad days of ruminating on things I can't change, then happy again, but never not thinking about daily. It gets better. It helped me to read here and in books that it was OK to think about it. Once I realized it was a normal reaction, it didn't stress me out as much. ( the amount of thinking/obsessing.....the A still stresses me out Grrrr

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