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Somebody please talk me down!

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MissMovingOn posted 10/17/2013 12:51 PM

I got the ILYBINILY (he's "not sure" if he's "in love" with me) last night after he spent the evening texting (84 messages!) with the coworker I believe he is having at least an EA with. No, I KNOW he is having an EA with her, even if it is only from his side because I have seen the text messages he's sent her before.

I *know* that I need to let him go. Last week he told me he didn't know if he could be the husband I needed. Last week he told me he didn't know if he wanted to be my husband - and then a few hours said he was sure he did. He's either *done* or in one hell of a fog and I need to 180 the hell out of him for my own sanity. I'm just still so in love with him. And so broken by this.

Talk me down from trying to "convince" him that he needs to keep trying.

Jrazz posted 10/17/2013 12:56 PM

We've all felt that way. I remember BEGGING fwh to try and work on us in the very beginning. It's a natural feeling.

You know better now. We're here to help you. Try to think about what you're really "in love" with about him. He continues to disrespect you and lie. You don't deserve this crap.

You can be apart from him and be ok. I know it doesn't feel that way now but that's just because the unknown is scary. You're used to him. The familiarity is a large part of what tethers us to toxic relationships.

We're here for you in whatever you need.

(((BWinBC)))

jemimapd posted 10/17/2013 12:56 PM

BW, this is torture. Are you living together or physically separated.

He wants both of you. That what my WH wanted.

Make it clear that is not a deal you are going to agree to. Sounds like it is time to file.

whiteflower99 posted 10/17/2013 12:58 PM

Time to start loving yourself as much as you love him.
One question, after so many DDays why does he get to decide?

tushnurse posted 10/17/2013 13:04 PM

BW - Why are you allowing him to continue to disrespect you?

Why are you hanging on to him really, and I love him isn't reason enough to tolerated this repeated abuse. What are you gaining by staying?

You are in a relationship where your partner has no repsect for you, he is blatently in an EA, if not a PA, he is being allowed to conintuiously do this, and you and only you, can demand the love and respect you deserve.

Time to put an end to this fucked up cycle. Go to an attorney, find out what your rights, find out how this will play out if you have to file for D. Be prepared to do so, because it will most likely be the only hope of saving your M, if you choose to try.

Multiple Ddays over several years, would be enough to do me in. You know that you can't make him do anything he doesn't want to do, but you sure as hell can make it hard for him to continue to treat you like this.

Reread 180, focus on you, and be strong.

Healing2012 posted 10/17/2013 13:12 PM

I understand where you're coming from - I think many of us do. From your last sentence it sounds like you know what you need to do.

It is hard, though. I am still struggling too. I have moments when I look back and think of the great guy he was and all that we had together. Then I think of the A and all the lies. And I know I can't make him do anything he doesn't want to do.

Listen to me giving advice that I haven't even taken myself

Hang in there...

TrustGone posted 10/17/2013 13:13 PM

I am so sorry that you are dealing with the ILYBNILWY bullshit. You cannot R with someone like this. Either he wants R or he doesn't. You cannot convience him that is what he wants. You are young and deserve better than this and that is what you need to tell yourself. I know how hard that is but you have to think about you and YOUR future at this point. Do you really want to spend your life with a remorseless spouse who will probably do this again? I spent 22yrs with one and it did not end well. I now have another that is semi-remorseful and it is so hard to have to deal with again. Please think about what is better for YOU.

MissMovingOn posted 10/17/2013 13:53 PM

Thank you so much everyone! I'm going to bookmark this and read it over and over when I'm feeling sad and weak.

jemimapd - we have been living apart since June. I've had two new DDays (two new OWs) plus the coworker (who has been in the picture for about a year) since he moved out.

You know that you can't make him do anything he doesn't want to do, but you sure as hell can make it hard for him to continue to treat you like this.

tushnurse - I freakin' love this and need to make it my new "motto".

Rebreather posted 10/17/2013 13:59 PM

As we say here over and over and over again, it stops when you say it stops.

You control your own life. Shields up, my dear!

MissMovingOn posted 10/17/2013 22:56 PM

Ugh! I was just a bawling mess when he was leaving the house after bringing our son home. I tried so hard to be strong and not show him how sad I was but I couldn't hold it in. He offered me a hug and I declined (yay me!) even though I really wanted to hug him because I KNOW that it wouldn't make me feel any better and he's just trying to assuage his own guilt by comforting me.

He's been texting the howorker all night, including while he had our son for dinner.

Jrazz posted 10/18/2013 12:40 PM

(((BW)))

Put this in the "bank" of "why I don't really love this guy" and think of a way you can do something nice for you and DS today.

hardtimesinlife posted 10/18/2013 12:50 PM

How do you know he's been texting coworker? It might help with your 180 if you stop looking and try to shift your focus off of him.
Hugs

tushnurse posted 10/18/2013 13:05 PM

BW honey, he could give two shits about you. Seriously. Have you been to a lawyer yet?
It sounds like it's time for you to take control of the situation, and demand the respect you deserve, and if he can't do that, you don't need him in your life.

((((and strength)))

Truly posted 10/18/2013 13:24 PM

That bastard.
Ugh...
ILBINILWY bullshit. If you love someone you DON'T go around sabotaging their happiness and deliberately hurting them. That's not love, that's abusive and cruel.

So the entire ILYBINILWY phrase is utter tosh. Better if they said either: 'I care about you but I no longer wish to be in this relationship' OR 'I DON'T care about you and I no longer wish to be in this relationship'
It's all about HONESTY.

If he's 'not sure' then he's not. SEE YA. Don't let the door hit ya on the way out, asshole.
Feeling your pain and turning it into righteous indignation, disgust and anger, do join me!

nomistakeaboutit posted 10/18/2013 15:03 PM

You love him, or you love the person you think he can become, the person you wish he was, the person you thought he was? Only one of the above is the real him.

NeverAgain2013 posted 10/18/2013 15:13 PM

The definition of insanity i doing the same thing over and over and over - and expecting different results.

The craziness, the unhealthy lifestyle, the hurt, the disrespect, the complete disregard for you ALL stops when you say it does.

Not him.

You.

MissMovingOn posted 10/18/2013 17:49 PM

I'm posting here so I get this out and don't say it to him...

His assistant is closer to his daughter's age than to his own age. Only by three years, but still! She's a f*&(#)$% child compared to me. I hope he's happy in unicorn-farting-rainbow fog land with his f*&(#)$% child of a howorker.

Runninggirl posted 10/18/2013 21:44 PM

I know this is not talking you down. Can I just say F him for making you feel so crazy. You do not deserve it.
BTDT.
Hugs.

AlexFL posted 10/18/2013 22:05 PM

Let him go

gma56 posted 10/18/2013 22:24 PM

Last week he told me he didn't know if he could be the husband I needed. Last week he told me he didn't know if he wanted to be my husband - and then a few hours said he was sure he did. He's either *done* or in one hell of a fog and I need to 180 the hell out of him for my own sanity. I'm just still so in love with him. And so broken by this.

H needs his ass knocked off the fucking fence ! Sweetie, YOU are the only one that can do this. WTH ? He thinks marriage is a practice run for the next relationship or affair partner.

Yes you need to 180 but you need to write two lists. One for the man you love, all the things you love about him, respect, and your desire for him. Then write a list of everything he has shown to you who he REALLY is. Are the lists similar ?

The most difficult thing for me was realizing FT was NEVER the man I loved, his love for me was a lie and he tried to become the man he knew I would love but he couldn't or woudn't fake it forever. FT is a classic non-confrontational NPD.


Talk me down from trying to "convince" him that he needs to keep trying.
You can't change him and you can't control him. He has no true remorse.
He is only trying to keep you hooked .

ETA: Don't ever settle being second to anyone in his life. You are the wife...If he isn't fighting to save the marriage and you, let him go !
Big Hugs
Gma

[This message edited by gma56 at 10:28 PM, October 18th (Friday)]

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