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I just canít seem to get rid of her.

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soconfusednow posted 10/17/2013 14:51 PM

WH A happened mostly at work, he kept condoms & things OW gave him there. He preferred I didn't come to his work.

Now, I'm welcome to come there. I meet him so we can go to lunch or I bring it and we eat there. I try to live in the moment and enjoy our time together.

Then it hits me and I want to go through his desk, work area & where he keeps his personal supplies. The urge is almost overwhelming. Do I look when heís busy, with him watching me or not at all? I donít want to spoil our time together. I want to build a bridge not burn it. Iíd like to tell him how I feel, so we can work through it together. But if there is something there heíll know to hide it someplace different before I have a chance to look.

As our time is almost over the dreaded question comes. Where are you going when you leave? I want to askÖ.Why do you want to know? Do you really care or is she coming by? Do you want to make sure Iíll be gone & wonít come back? What are you doing when I leave?

Is the A really over or has it gone underground? He seems to be doing/saying all the right things. Our relationship has a long way to go yet appears better than it has been in years. Then again the reason I suspected his A 20+ years ago was he was treating me ďtoo nice.Ē The day I caught them together he wanted to know my plans for the entire day.

Iím fighting tears all the way homeÖÖ..I almost made it there before they began to fall.

Damn I hate this! We still have three people in our marriage even if heís no longer seeing the OW. I just canít seem to get rid of her.

unfound posted 10/17/2013 15:01 PM

If he's truly remorseful and in this R with you, then there should be no problem with looking through his desk right in front of him or letting him know that you're triggering about the whole work place thing. He should reassure you and help you build trust by either offering this up or understanding when you have these feelings.

The feelings themselves are perfectly normal. They can drive you nuts, I know. If you're able to talk with him about them, discuss what transparency (proactive transparency is even better) and how that transparency builds trust and eventually will lessen the more it's given, then it can get better and get back to just the two of you in the marriage.

[This message edited by unfound at 3:01 PM, October 17th (Thursday)]

soconfusednow posted 10/17/2013 17:36 PM

If he's truly remorseful and in this R with you,

this is what I want to believe, but my gut keeps nagging I'm just not sure it's not false R again.

karmahappens posted 10/17/2013 17:50 PM

Well, you may as well get the feelings out.

I would pop in at work and tell him. Just say because of the rocky starts your mind won't let go of the thought that there are things at work he has hidden.

IMO if he is really in R he will spread his arms and say look anywhere you need to. If he isn't I would predict anger and attacking you.

I would rather know the truth. It will come out one way or the other.

Hopefully he will offer you the reassurance you need and tell you his office is open to you.

I would NOT give him a heads up obviously, if something is fishy it just gives him time to hide things.

Good luck.

Scubachick posted 10/17/2013 23:59 PM

I stopped by on a day he was off. Asked my son for the security code to get into his office door. Brought some plastic bins with me. Surprise! I cleaned up and organized your office for you. It was a mess too. Didn't find much though.

1ost0ne posted 10/18/2013 11:07 AM

We still have three people in our marriage even if heís no longer seeing the OW. I just canít seem to get rid of her.

This resonates with me as well. I constantly feel that there are three people are in our bed. It has interrupted intimacy several times.

soconfusednow posted 10/18/2013 23:19 PM

I made an unplanned visit to his work. Told him I was frustrated & wanted to look through his things. I needed to get it out of my system & put it behind me. He gave me a hug and said look all you want. Then he talked to me while I was doing it, keeping the conversation lighthearted & fun.

Iím looking through everything and I find old picture of me.

In my opinion he scored big time today!

Raven96 posted 10/19/2013 09:53 AM

A victory for you! I am so glad you feel good, and I am very happy that his reaction to your needs was what it was!!!

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