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What does "fighting for me/winning me back" even look like?

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momoffive posted 10/17/2013 15:06 PM

I've been in this mess for a long time. I know many would wonder why I am still here. Many days I don't know why...I think fear is a big issue.

For the last 4 years, I have told SAWH that I need to see/feel/hear him "fight for me". I always thought inside that after cheating on me with his SA acting out and his 5 OW, that he should be "trying to win me back" and "convincing me to want to be married to him".

Hindsight tells me that with me "allowing" him to continue to mistreat and disrespect me that he has never HAD to fight for me or win me back. I've always been here...

I have asked him from the beginning for him to have to "tell me the story", not me having to continue to ask questions to get it out of him because I don't know if I asked all that I need to ask to get the complete story. Four years later and I'm STILL getting new info because of my questioning.
I've always wanted him to have to look me in the eyes and tell me all that he's done. I've also wanted him to write it out. I wanted him to sit there and have to write out his story, where he was mentally, how he justified and rationalized his betrayals, how they met, how it started, what he liked about them, what did he get out of it, what happened, etc... I wanted him to have to put some work into it and maybe after he was done, look at it and maybe it would hit him with a "shit... what have I done to Momoffive!"

I'm really feeling different here lately.I'm not happy with how everything has been handled these last four years. I struggle finding joy in my heart. I feel so empty. I'm tired of me always approaching him. I'm tired of my needs and requests being ignored and unmet. I'm tired of feeling so worthless... he does not make me feel special. In fact, I've only heard over the years how much better they were than me and then afterwards he saying, "Sorry for telling you that." But there they are... the words were spoken and he can't take them back. The damage was done. And his sorry's... I don't believe them, because I have heard over the years time and again, how he says what was so good about them vs me.

I was on SI the other day, and a post led me to an article, which led me to buying a book.

As I was reading it, I was amazed that everything I thought would be a no-brainer (he having to win me back, he having to tell me verbally and in writing the "story", he answering all questions, he doing everything he can so as not to lose me) is what this psychologist says needs to happen.

I'm not crazy. SAWH really should be doing 200% more than the crumbs he throws my way. This should not be an easy ride for SAWH. It should be painful but yet ultimately healing for both of us.

Now to my title...

In the 24 years of being married to an extremely self-centered SAWH, I honestly don't know what it looks like for a man to try to "fight for me" and "win me back". I've never seen/felt it.

What does it look/feel like to you?

[This message edited by momoffive at 3:13 PM, October 17th (Thursday)]

OldCow18 posted 10/17/2013 16:01 PM

I'm waiting for this also, and really relate to your comment about getting crumbs.

unfound posted 10/17/2013 16:07 PM

I think it's different for everyone.

I needed to be put first. Above his job (he quit trigger jobs on dday, and *gasp* took a week off his other job). I needed to be his priority (then later our M to be the priority). I needed him to stick out my anger and still be humbled and wanting to reconcile.

What do YOU need? What does it look like to you?

[This message edited by unfound at 4:07 PM, October 17th (Thursday)]

TooManyYears posted 10/17/2013 16:10 PM


The answer that you have not wanted to hear for the last few years is that when dealing with a SA, there is no "winning back" until they enter a real recovery, and even then it takes time. Unless he is willing to see a CSAT and work the 12 steps, he is just a dry drunk (if he truly is not acting out in any way).

What are you doing for yourself and your own recovery? You will not feel as stuck if you prioritize your own healing at this point and detach from him. There is help and hope for you. Sorry to see you are still in this place.

momoffive posted 10/17/2013 16:49 PM

Unless he is willing to see a CSAT and work the 12 steps, he is just a dry drunk (if he truly is not acting out in any way).

He's in IC. CSAT's are few and far between.

He admitted to acting out again with his compulsive M. Told me it's because he's stressed and I won't have sex with him.

I don't feel safe. In the past his M, turned to porn, which turned to affairs because he said he needed to find his new "high". He had been "clean" for about a year and now he's back to square one.

I have applied to at least a dozen jobs since this summer, had 2 interviews, but still in my current position.

Last month I got the courage to file a police report for his worst raging episode to date. Never knew that a cell phone thrown hard enough could imbed itself in a closet door. And his damn phone survived.

I have contacted my EAP for legal advice... with my low-paying job (excellant benefits (I carry the health benefits for all 7 of us)...but low pay), I know I depend on SAWH for financial support. A friend of mine encouraged me to get some advice saying "knowledge is power".

I just don't get it though. I just can't fathom that after all of the shit he's done, that he wouldn't even think that he's going to have to work on himself and reconciling.

Does he think he's some marvelous catch?

wheelsup posted 10/17/2013 17:24 PM

What does 'winning me back' look like?

That's a very good question. Here's some of my thoughts:

1) Complete transparency. You know where he is, how he got there, who he is with, and when he plans to get home. (Oh, and BTW, that's what NORMAL people do -- its part of having somebody love you.)

2) He changes the things that led to the affair(s). Oh - and YOU were NOT the reason he had the affair (so you do NOT have to change).

3) Did I mention complete transparency?

4) He changes other things that have nothing to do with you - but only with becoming a better person. You will only know this is happening when he starts to actually do it.

Hmmmm .... still thinking ....

Tawnie posted 10/17/2013 19:46 PM

I so relate to everything you wrote just as if I were writing it myself! Wish I had some answers for you, because that would mean I have some for myslef. I can sympathize with you. I understand what you are going through. I get it.
Hugs to you!

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