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Newest Member: OneLittleVictory (61821)

User Topic: why do i feel need to earn back spouse's love?
♀ 39211
Member # 39211
Default  Posted: 3:06 PM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't exactly know how to phrase this...I am really struggling (and could be triggering since we are right at 2 yrs of the 2nd episode/discovery).

Somehow, I feel we have gotten into a trap of me having to please WH or earn his approval/love ... That he can always hang over my head that he will just leave if he feels it gets bad enough.

In all honesty, there have been very few consequences to him (except having to deal with my triggering) and all of the others seem to fall back to me. Yes, there were some things I needed to change. And yes, there were some things that he needed to change. I am just not 100% positive that he has.

I guess I am supposed to be satisfied that he is no longer (to my knowledge anyway) seeking inappropriate relationships and that he is stayin gin the marriage. What if that isn't enough?

[This message edited by faithhopelove23 at 3:07 PM, October 17th (Thursday)]

Posts: 11 | Registered: May 2013
♀ 38121
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 3:17 PM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Awww Faith, I'm not sure what it is in your personal makeup that doesn't allow you to celebrate the lovely lady you are and instead, causes you to obsess that maybe 'you're not doing enough.'

Honestly, you've done more than enough. You've given the gift of forgiveness. A truly grateful man will appreciate that gift, not take advantage of it.

Be proud of who you are and let it be known that you're MORE than worthy and no one can take that away from you.

Sending you warm thoughts and lots of strength.

Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 6327 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
♀ 40769
Member # 40769
Default  Posted: 3:38 PM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know that I have felt this before. Definitely. It tortured me trying to "fix" whatever I thought I had done. Try to be better than her at everything.
What happened after I found out? He got a great new job, brad new computer, incredible HB, and a wife that is listening and opening up with him as I never have before.
On paper, it looks like the A was the best thing he could have done.
But I know better. He knows that I can go. It scares him that he almost lost me. I had to really dig deep and make sure I knew that I could leave if he showed He does not deserve me. Once I decided that , yes, it is in my hands, it was much easier to stop trying to make him "happy" that he chose me. I am the better choice (I hate saying like that, because I shouldn't be a choice) and its up to him to acknowledge that- without me doing extra work.
He screwed up. I can work to help him become a better person and be happier with what he has at home, but he is here because I allowed him to be.
His affair was not about him showing me he could up and leave if he wasn't happy. If thats how he feels then, good riddance and Dont let the door hit ya.
It was about me showing him that I am worth working for- and I know it.

This is my strength today- tomorrow? Who knows, you could be giving me advice and support.
Have faith in yourself without a need for his approval. Ask yourself if this has been the pattern your entire relationship. If so, I would recommend trying to be selfish for awhile. See if he rises to the challenge of deserving you.

Just call me Wonder

If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice.

The axe "forgets"- the tree remembers.

Divorced and super good with tha
2 DS- 15 and 16
DDay 1- 07-24-2013
DDay 2- June something or other 2017

Posts: 1251 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: East Coast
♂ 31240
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 3:45 PM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Co-dependence? That's a potential description, not a criticism and most definitely not a diagnosis, but it's something you can look into.

fBH (me) - 66 on d-day, Married 43, together 45 on d-day, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
Most of us know only our own experience. That's not enough data to support a general rule that D, or R, is right in every sitch.

Posts: 17064 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Illinois
♀ 12802
Member # 12802
Default  Posted: 3:48 PM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What kind, comforting words from NeverAgain . All true.

A part of this might also be the bargaining stage. If I love him more, if I please him, if don't make waves....he won't leave me. I went through it..I was channeling June Cleaver trying to be what I thought would make him love me, stay with me, want me .

With the blow to your self esteem, loss of trust and not knowing if he's going to step up and reassure that he is committed to you through this, it's understandable.

If where he's at and what he's doing is "not enough", then it's not. You can't control what he does, only what you do and how you react to him. While it's good that you recognize that there are changes you need to make, those changes should be for you.

Kids on the playground can be so cruel. “Get off the swings you’re like 50, and stop talking about Soundgarden, we don't even know what that is."

Posts: 14938 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: mercury's underboob
♀ 40144
Member # 40144
Default  Posted: 8:21 AM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Really great advice here!!!! I think I will join you as "advice taker" rather than "advice giver" here! Just want you to know, you're not the only one feeling/acting this way. And I agree with the recommendation to do more research on co-dependence. I plan to get "Co-dependent No More" and start reading!!!!!!


Me: BS49+ 😝, Him: WH 51
M 24 years - DD21 DS19 DS17
LTA = 2+ yrs, Dday = 2/10/13, S for 1 year, now Reconciling

Posts: 1485 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: MidWest
♀ 17686
Member # 17686
Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sometimes we feel that we have "control" over our spouse, that what we do really can cause them to stay or to leave.

Keep reading here and you will see spouses that were the "perfect" spouse, busting their arses to make their spouse happy and their spouse still cheated. And there are those BS whose WS treated them like crap but they did not cheat.

The way your H treats you is a reflection of who HE is, not how valid or worthy you are. Your H does not treat you good or bad because you deserve it, he does it as a reflection of who he is.

Sit back and look at how he treats you and what that says about him (not you). Drop the desire to be able to "control" him by your actions or lack of actions. Nothing you do or not do can keep him faithful or cause him to cheat, NOTHING, that is his choice, his power.

I guess I am supposed to be satisfied that he is no longer (to my knowledge anyway) seeking inappropriate relationships and that he is stayin gin the marriage. What if that isn't enough?

That should never be enough IMO. I lived this for 19 years mistakingly thinking my H was faithful so I had to put up with all the other crap. Now I realize that was not the case and should have never been the case, just was my messed up perception due to my own wounds, foo, etc.

We all deserve the best of each other IMO, none more than the other.


We have a tendency to think the love offered us is a reflection of our worth and value.But in actuality,it's a reflection of the person that is giving it.We love out of who WE are-not because of who the receiver is.At least in terms of real love.TSMF

Posts: 3638 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: how far the east is from the west
Topic Posts: 7

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