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why do i feel need to earn back spouse's love?

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faithhopelove23 posted 10/17/2013 15:06 PM

I don't exactly know how to phrase this...I am really struggling (and could be triggering since we are right at 2 yrs of the 2nd episode/discovery).

Somehow, I feel we have gotten into a trap of me having to please WH or earn his approval/love ... That he can always hang over my head that he will just leave if he feels it gets bad enough.

In all honesty, there have been very few consequences to him (except having to deal with my triggering) and all of the others seem to fall back to me. Yes, there were some things I needed to change. And yes, there were some things that he needed to change. I am just not 100% positive that he has.

I guess I am supposed to be satisfied that he is no longer (to my knowledge anyway) seeking inappropriate relationships and that he is stayin gin the marriage. What if that isn't enough?

[This message edited by faithhopelove23 at 3:07 PM, October 17th (Thursday)]

NeverAgain2013 posted 10/17/2013 15:17 PM

Awww Faith, I'm not sure what it is in your personal makeup that doesn't allow you to celebrate the lovely lady you are and instead, causes you to obsess that maybe 'you're not doing enough.'

Honestly, you've done more than enough. You've given the gift of forgiveness. A truly grateful man will appreciate that gift, not take advantage of it.

Be proud of who you are and let it be known that you're MORE than worthy and no one can take that away from you.

Sending you warm thoughts and lots of strength.

TheAmazingWondertwin posted 10/17/2013 15:38 PM

I know that I have felt this before. Definitely. It tortured me trying to "fix" whatever I thought I had done. Try to be better than her at everything.
What happened after I found out? He got a great new job, brad new computer, incredible HB, and a wife that is listening and opening up with him as I never have before.
On paper, it looks like the A was the best thing he could have done.
But I know better. He knows that I can go. It scares him that he almost lost me. I had to really dig deep and make sure I knew that I could leave if he showed He does not deserve me. Once I decided that , yes, it is in my hands, it was much easier to stop trying to make him "happy" that he chose me. I am the better choice (I hate saying like that, because I shouldn't be a choice) and its up to him to acknowledge that- without me doing extra work.
He screwed up. I can work to help him become a better person and be happier with what he has at home, but he is here because I allowed him to be.
His affair was not about him showing me he could up and leave if he wasn't happy. If thats how he feels then, good riddance and Dont let the door hit ya.
It was about me showing him that I am worth working for- and I know it.

This is my strength today- tomorrow? Who knows, you could be giving me advice and support.
Have faith in yourself without a need for his approval. Ask yourself if this has been the pattern your entire relationship. If so, I would recommend trying to be selfish for awhile. See if he rises to the challenge of deserving you.

sisoon posted 10/17/2013 15:45 PM

Co-dependence? That's a potential description, not a criticism and most definitely not a diagnosis, but it's something you can look into.

unfound posted 10/17/2013 15:48 PM

What kind, comforting words from NeverAgain . All true.

A part of this might also be the bargaining stage. If I love him more, if I please him, if don't make waves....he won't leave me. I went through it..I was channeling June Cleaver trying to be what I thought would make him love me, stay with me, want me .

With the blow to your self esteem, loss of trust and not knowing if he's going to step up and reassure that he is committed to you through this, it's understandable.

If where he's at and what he's doing is "not enough", then it's not. You can't control what he does, only what you do and how you react to him. While it's good that you recognize that there are changes you need to make, those changes should be for you.

StillStanding1 posted 10/18/2013 08:21 AM

Really great advice here!!!! I think I will join you as "advice taker" rather than "advice giver" here! Just want you to know, you're not the only one feeling/acting this way. And I agree with the recommendation to do more research on co-dependence. I plan to get "Co-dependent No More" and start reading!!!!!!


GraceisGood posted 10/18/2013 11:42 AM

Sometimes we feel that we have "control" over our spouse, that what we do really can cause them to stay or to leave.

Keep reading here and you will see spouses that were the "perfect" spouse, busting their arses to make their spouse happy and their spouse still cheated. And there are those BS whose WS treated them like crap but they did not cheat.

The way your H treats you is a reflection of who HE is, not how valid or worthy you are. Your H does not treat you good or bad because you deserve it, he does it as a reflection of who he is.

Sit back and look at how he treats you and what that says about him (not you). Drop the desire to be able to "control" him by your actions or lack of actions. Nothing you do or not do can keep him faithful or cause him to cheat, NOTHING, that is his choice, his power.

I guess I am supposed to be satisfied that he is no longer (to my knowledge anyway) seeking inappropriate relationships and that he is stayin gin the marriage. What if that isn't enough?

That should never be enough IMO. I lived this for 19 years mistakingly thinking my H was faithful so I had to put up with all the other crap. Now I realize that was not the case and should have never been the case, just was my messed up perception due to my own wounds, foo, etc.

We all deserve the best of each other IMO, none more than the other.


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