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The Why? question

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iAmAMess0809 posted 10/17/2013 15:08 PM

Tomorrow will be 1 week out since I really started coming clean about everything to my BW about the affair. We have had our ups and downs this week, but the good news is that we are talking. She cries a lot and struggles while I am not home but at work, and then can be somewhawt mean (deservedly so) for awhile after I get home. But after the kids are in bed...things turn good, at least for the moment. Then it starts all over again the next day. Right now, I'm just thankful that she isn't rushing to any decisions. I know she wants to reconcile, but the logical side of her says to leave me.

My question is, how do you handle the "why?" question? She doesn't understand why I would do what I did. I don't have a good answer. I know what factors played a role:

- Some unresolved issue from giving up a child with the OW (GF at the time) 13 years ago, which being at that same hospital triggered
- Conflict avoidance leading to some unhappiness
- Opportunity existed since the OW was all too eager (I initiated contact, but she wondered what it would be like to kiss me, etc)
- "The Fog" convinced of many things, including that my marriage issues were worse than they really were, and that my past was so much better than it really was (it wasn't - the OW, when she was my GF, cheated on me, stole from me, and who knows what else)

There are more, but none of them answer why. Plenty of people have unresolved issues, avoid conflict, have opportunities for affairs, etc...but they don't. Why did I? Because I was selfish. Because I made a horrible choice. I just don't know how to answer it. It's like trying to answer why I tried to throw away everything good in my life. I struggle to find any rational answer that makes sense to me.

How do all of you answer the why question?

LosferWords posted 10/17/2013 15:42 PM

Hi, iAmAMess0809. I think you have a good start here. The selfishness and the poor choices are the easy and obvious parts of the equation.

The other items that you had listed out are a great place to start digging. I would suggest starting with those reasons and then digging into them further. In essence, asking yourself "why" about the answers you are giving. For example, why do you avoid conflict? Or as another example, the opportunity existed, but why did you allow yourself to be put into this opportunity?

Are you currently in IC? A good counselor can help you dig through these issues as well.

Good luck, and keep working at it!

BaxtersBFF posted 10/17/2013 18:23 PM

What was the situation 13 years ago when you gave up the child? Was it just ended one day? Is that part of the unresolved issues?

Where/when did you learn to avoid conflict? Why haven't you been able to speak up before?

Do you recognize a pattern in your experiences where you received compliments, or someone seemed interested in you (ego-stroking)?

iAmAMess0809 posted 10/20/2013 19:02 PM

Thanks for the replies everybody.

My first IC appointment is Tuesday. I am really anxious to get started and get to the bottom of this.

As for what happened 13 years girlfriend was pregnant. We waited as long as possible before telling anyone because we were scared, and her mother had always told her she would kick her out. Eventually, we had to tell though. The burr mother just took over. I didn't really know what I was doing, and we needed that. But I had no real say after that.

After I saw the child, I wanted to keep him. My XGF got hysterical and said she would take the child and I would never see him. Then we stayed together a couple more years until she cheated on me, and never talked about the adoption again. The adoption was the right choice. But it wasn't really my choice.

I hope that IC can help me get to the bottom of why I did what I did.

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