I'm gonna take a little while to get to my point on this post, so if you actually stick with me all the way to the end, thank you!
Back in July I was hospitalized for 3 days because I tried to kill myself. During those 3 days, I was asked by no less than 6 different people why I tried to kill myself. Each time I had to start the story over from the beginning: "3 years ago my husband cheated on me, yadda, yadda, yadda..." And each time it was completely pointless, since it's not like I could possibly explain 3 years of emotional abuse from an unremorseful WH in an hour or less.
So my pennance for the attempted suicide is that I had to see a therapist and a psychiatrist and go on meds. So first I had to retell the entire story to the therapist. Then I had to retell the entire story to the psychiatrist. And none of this was actually helping me at all.
Then this past Monday I had my first follow-up appointment with the psychiatrist. And he finally asked me the one question that nobody has bothered to ask since July. My life had been in the shitter for 3 years, so why try to commit suicide then? What was the catalyst? I knew the answer. I'm not really sure why I didn't tell anybody, maybe just because they never asked.
The truth was that I felt I had outlived my usefulness. My performance at work was so terrible I was on the verge of being taken off the project I was supposed to be working on, and who knows what else would have happened after that. My WH made it obvious that I could be substituted for any woman that happened to attract his attention in the moment. And my son told his aunt that he liked staying at her house instead of going home because his parents were always fighting. This was very true, so I certainly don't blame my son for saying this, in fact I'm glad he spoke up about his feelings. But it made me feel like she could just as easily replace me as my son's mother, and maybe he'd be better off that way. So there I was. Totally useless.
Since I was released from the hospital, a lot of things have improved. I picked up my performance at work, and not only was I kept on the team, I've been given increasingly higher profile tasks to work on. I stopped arguing with my WH about most things, mainly because it was only causing me pain and not improving anything anyway. And I realized that spending time with my son makes both of us very happy, so I do it a lot. He doesn't ask to go over his aunt's every weekend anymore like he used to. I feel like I'm better at being his mother, and that he is better off with me.
I still feel fairly useless in my M, but for a different reason now. I'm not the same W I was. I don't show affection as much. I'm not as interested in intimacy. I don't make an effort as a W at all really. And I don't really have any desire to make that effort either. Has this M outlived it's usefulness to me? I'm not sure of the answer to that yet.
What I know right now is that I spent the last 3 years trying to figure out what my WH's problem was so he would just stop hurting me. I don't care anymore what his problem is. That's for him to figure out, or not. It's time now for me to figure out what my problem is. As my psychiatrist pointed out, it's not normal to cry 4 or 5 days a week. What's left of me after all this? I need to figure that out before I can decide where I want to go from here.