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My_Name_Is_Alice posted 10/17/2013 15:39 PM

I'm gonna take a little while to get to my point on this post, so if you actually stick with me all the way to the end, thank you!

Back in July I was hospitalized for 3 days because I tried to kill myself. During those 3 days, I was asked by no less than 6 different people why I tried to kill myself. Each time I had to start the story over from the beginning: "3 years ago my husband cheated on me, yadda, yadda, yadda..." And each time it was completely pointless, since it's not like I could possibly explain 3 years of emotional abuse from an unremorseful WH in an hour or less.

So my pennance for the attempted suicide is that I had to see a therapist and a psychiatrist and go on meds. So first I had to retell the entire story to the therapist. Then I had to retell the entire story to the psychiatrist. And none of this was actually helping me at all.

Then this past Monday I had my first follow-up appointment with the psychiatrist. And he finally asked me the one question that nobody has bothered to ask since July. My life had been in the shitter for 3 years, so why try to commit suicide then? What was the catalyst? I knew the answer. I'm not really sure why I didn't tell anybody, maybe just because they never asked.

The truth was that I felt I had outlived my usefulness. My performance at work was so terrible I was on the verge of being taken off the project I was supposed to be working on, and who knows what else would have happened after that. My WH made it obvious that I could be substituted for any woman that happened to attract his attention in the moment. And my son told his aunt that he liked staying at her house instead of going home because his parents were always fighting. This was very true, so I certainly don't blame my son for saying this, in fact I'm glad he spoke up about his feelings. But it made me feel like she could just as easily replace me as my son's mother, and maybe he'd be better off that way. So there I was. Totally useless.

Since I was released from the hospital, a lot of things have improved. I picked up my performance at work, and not only was I kept on the team, I've been given increasingly higher profile tasks to work on. I stopped arguing with my WH about most things, mainly because it was only causing me pain and not improving anything anyway. And I realized that spending time with my son makes both of us very happy, so I do it a lot. He doesn't ask to go over his aunt's every weekend anymore like he used to. I feel like I'm better at being his mother, and that he is better off with me.

I still feel fairly useless in my M, but for a different reason now. I'm not the same W I was. I don't show affection as much. I'm not as interested in intimacy. I don't make an effort as a W at all really. And I don't really have any desire to make that effort either. Has this M outlived it's usefulness to me? I'm not sure of the answer to that yet.

What I know right now is that I spent the last 3 years trying to figure out what my WH's problem was so he would just stop hurting me. I don't care anymore what his problem is. That's for him to figure out, or not. It's time now for me to figure out what my problem is. As my psychiatrist pointed out, it's not normal to cry 4 or 5 days a week. What's left of me after all this? I need to figure that out before I can decide where I want to go from here.

crazyblindsided posted 10/17/2013 15:51 PM


I'm so happy you got the help you needed. I too tried to commit suicide and was hospitalized and then again for depression.

Now that I have the right help and medication I am getting healthier. I stopped worrying about my WH too. He's either going to get with the program or he won't. One thing is for certain, there will come a point where I won't care anymore if he doesn't get with the program and I will leave. So far he is pulling his weight.

Have you tried a modified 180 to take the focus off him and solely onto you?

MartlArts posted 10/17/2013 17:53 PM

(((MyNameIsAlice))). I am glad you are headed in the right direction, doing what's best for you and your son.

sisoon posted 10/17/2013 18:33 PM

Oh, Alice, if you still don't see your value as a human being, reread the first post in this thread - yup, the one you wrote.

You're being you ... and your team mates are seeing you as more capable and reliable.

You're being you ... and your son enjoys being with you.

You're being you ... and you're protecting yourself against abuse by an unremorseful, cruel man.

I'm so sorry you fell into despair. It sure sounds like you've been healing yourself since then.

But it's not just what you do for people - you're a valuable person just sitting still and soaking up some sun or enjoying being with your son.

I have to run....

PinkJeepLady posted 10/17/2013 18:44 PM


I am so sorry you had to repeat your story so many times, that is hard in itself. I am so glad you got help, good for you!
You are valuable to so many! You sound like a wonderful mother and that is something to really be proud of! I too had children that didn't want to live with us because of the fighting, it broke my heart. We have been able to work on repairing that and it sounds like you are too. I am so glad you are able to find happiness with spending time with your son. I believe that closeness will carry on into his adult life.
Infidelity is a life changing event I believe. Where do you go from here? ANYWHERE YOU WANT!
Please know I personally appreciate you and your courage to share your story, it is helping me reflect on my life. YOU are valuable to me, thank you. Please take care!

Rebreather posted 10/17/2013 18:54 PM

Oh honey. You are worth so much more than your marriage. You are an independent soul, worthy of love and respect in all areas of your life. Being in a marriage is just a piece of who we are in the grand scheme of things.

I am happy to hear work is going well and that your boy is responding well to you. Keep your focus right.there. That's what matters most.

My_Name_Is_Alice posted 10/18/2013 14:21 PM

Wow, thanks guys, you gave me a new perspective on this. I kinda thought my post was a downer, but you all pointed out so many positives in it that I took another look. Maybe I'm healing more than I realized.

I know I'm not frequently overwhelmed with anger like I was for quite a while. But I feel like that anger has been replaced with a constant undercurrent of sadness. I just feel like I've lost so much that I can't ever get back, and I have no idea in which direction to take my future, so I'm just stuck here floating around without a real purpose. I don't like not having a purpose. It makes me very anxious.

I have to say, this line from PinkJeepLady really jumped out at me:

Please know I personally appreciate you and your courage to share your story, it is helping me reflect on my life. YOU are valuable to me, thank you.

I don't think of myself as courageous for anything really. My story's embarrassing, I only tell it freely on SI because I can hide behind a screen name. And I definitely don't see myself as valuable on SI. In fact, I stopped posting for a long time because I felt like a broken record, always looking for ways to "make" my WH remorseful, and never listening to the people who kept telling me that I really, really needed to focus on myself. I tried responding to other posts a couple times, but I felt like I was too cynical to be helpful.

Can anyone say "self-esteem problems"? I've had that all my life. Maybe that's the thing I should be working on.

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