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Newest Member: Hurtagain57 (61546)

User Topic: Has anyone contacted OW's spouse?
♀ 40735
Member # 40735
Default  Posted: 4:37 PM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DDay was 7/31/13. WH and OW had affair of 7 years meeting all over the country for fabulous trips from 2004-2011. They continued to have email contact until DDay. He said "it was over" but they had never actually had a conversation about it being over.They hadn't seen each other in over 2 years but were still emailing a couple times per week. He erased the emails from past 2 years so I did not get the flavor of them. I called her. She also stated, "we never really had a conversation, it was just over". He agreed to write her a "goodbye" letter which I sent certified mail to her home. I figure if her husband asks about it she can lie and cover it up like she did to cover for the 30 trips she took with my husband.
Did anyone contact OW's husband? What happened?

Me=BS-age 53
HWS=age 53-
1 daughter 17 yo

OW-married mother of 4
D-Day-7/31/13- 6-11 y affair-we have been married 19 y

Posts: 15 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: boulder, co
♀ 12802
Member # 12802
Default  Posted: 4:48 PM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I contacted OW's spouse on dday. It didn't go like I thought it would as he was in deep denial (understandably) and in general a butthead to me. Regardless, I don't regret it. It was the right thing to do. What they do with the info is up to them.

Kids on the playground can be so cruel. “Get off the swings you’re like 50, and stop talking about Soundgarden, we don't even know what that is."

Posts: 14938 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: mercury's underboob
♀ 35846
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 4:50 PM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I did.

He was thankful...because he couldn't get to her and she was making him feel like he was crazy.

Nope, not crazy, she was having an A.

He helped me with info which was important to my decision to R and I helped him...he kicked her out and divorced her.

I would do it again in a heartbeat.

“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 4012 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
♀ 15942
Member # 15942
Default  Posted: 5:47 PM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I did. He and I met and made a plan. He and I are still good friends six years later. I have even met his new fiancé.

WS 45
BS 43

Met when we were 17 and 15. Together since 1983, married since 1985. Two kids, B21, G15.

d-day 4-3-07

Life has a way of making us get our panties in a wad.....I refuse to wear panties ever again.

Posts: 4052 | Registered: Aug 2007
♂ 37982
Member # 37982
Default  Posted: 6:05 PM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Other way around, my WW's Ap's spouse ratted them out to me.

Worst day of my life so far, but I was eternally grateful, even if her motives were less than pure. She was looking for a quick and dirty RA. I dodged that bullet, unfortunately not a later one.

WW continued to deny the A even when confronted with direct testimony, for over 12 hours of non-stop interrogation.

Me BH/WH, 63
Her WW/BW, 62
Her DDay Dec 1976 OMW at the door
My DDay, ~ 2years later, confessed ONS the next day
R via "Sweeping under the rug"
Still married, 40 yrs, mostly OK
2 kids, 24 & 20

Posts: 357 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Colorado
♀ 40852
Member # 40852
Default  Posted: 6:15 PM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I tried to.

I left a message for her BH on a board he is a member of. I know it was seen by them because they erased it.

I suppose it was meaningless on some level because she (the OW) told my husband at the time that she was divorced (they aren't) and she had brought a boyfriend to the conference where she wound up trying to sleep with my husband.

[This message edited by Peaches2013 at 6:16 PM, October 17th (Thursday)]

Me: BS
Him: WH ONS/short EA
Married 11 years
Together 15 years
2 children

Posts: 64 | Registered: Oct 2013
♀ 29514
Member # 29514
Default  Posted: 6:28 PM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sure as hell soon as I found out about her from a slip of the fucktard-exspousalunit's slip of his nasty tongue.


Apparently he was screwing around on me before we were married, stupid me. Now so many things that he and others said make total sense.

I had already decided to get a divorce but I had to bide my time until the youngest graduated from high school. But I looked up her husband and called him at work. At first he said that he didn't believe me. I gave some interesting details from things I had put together.

I have no idea what came of it and I don't care. I'm rid of the prick.

However, one thing that bothered me for a while is that when the affair was going on, she (at the time) was a supervisor in New Mexico's Children, Youth, and Families Department. A kid died on her watch, a little kid was left in the care of an abusive foster family and was abused to death. I can't help but wonder if it's because she was too busy getting nailed by my now-ex.

You should have seen his face when I brought that little ditty up.

Anything less than full disclosure and total transparency is pure bullshit. WARNING! No emotional pollution allowed.

Posts: 3756 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: Georgia
♀ 40317
Member # 40317
Default  Posted: 9:56 PM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I tried after DDay #1 through a mutual friend. He knew about the relationship, he made my husband tell me about it or else was going to. The MOW's spouse said at the time he wanted to just concentrate on his kids and couldn't face me.

Real reason he didn't want to talk to me is he didn't want me to know everything. He didn't want me to know they were in an open relationship and my husband got played. That is slept around as much as his wife did. See, MOW's spouse has a public job and "thinks" he has a reputation to keep up. My finding out his private life would kill his thought that he had a pedestal to stand on.

Fact of the matter is, everyone thought he was a jackass for other reasons...after I found out about it all and told just validated the jackass-ness. Because the jerk let the whole town think his wife was a slut while he was the dedicated husband at home. Ha ha!

[This message edited by niaveone at 10:04 PM, October 17th (Thursday)]

Me: BS
Him: WS
Married: 19 years
2 children
2 DDays

Posts: 510 | Registered: Aug 2013
♂ 35016
Member # 35016
Default  Posted: 10:15 PM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I contacted the BW.

I talked with her (she lives over 1000 miles away) on the phone several times. I found her to be a very attractive, sweet, and humble woman. I would have like to have had a friendship with her but it was not to be.

She was devastated, yet she herself knew something had been awry for a long time. Her H had other APs other than my stupid WW. Yep, she was hurt bad by the truth.

She was always very nice to me on the phone. Never said one bad thing to me. Never blamed the messenger.

Her end game: her WH was a remorseless asshole. She referred to him as a narcissist. She filed when her H began gaslighting and would never tell the truth. They are not reconciling. It really is what happens after D-day which determines the fate of the M, not the A itself.

Good for her. She is a real catch for someone down the road.

[This message edited by MC_Jack at 10:15 PM, October 17th (Thursday)]

I am not a marriage counselor. I chose "MC Jack" because I like the Music City. I did not know what MC stood for on this site. Duh.

Posts: 1012 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Mountain West
♀ 35298
Member # 35298
Default  Posted: 11:08 PM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, and I totally recommend you do too. I did so without the benefit of all the literature and SI experience that says to do it. I just knew that there was one other person who needed to know and that the situation had to be blown up ASAP. My WS begged me not to and I did not even talk to him. I found out at about 8pm, I sent her an email that I would let her WS know the next day, she begged me not to tell as she was out of town, I called him first thing in the morning. He was shocked, and I have no idea what happened thereafter but it was the right thing to do, I am certain. Note, I have told very few people of telling others. Every time I chose to tell or not, I asked why I would tell them and what is the reason to do so and what's holding me back or pushing me to do it. So I recommend you do the same. Why would you not tell? Fear of his reaction, fear of consequences? I really believe there has to be a natural fallout, and one fallout has to be that both BS need to know. Good luck.

Posts: 129 | Registered: Apr 2012
♂ 29126
Member # 29126
Default  Posted: 6:28 AM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ditto to MC_Jack's post (except she was 50 miles away - not 1000). Otherwise, that could be my story, word for word.

If I want recovery, then I must allow for it to actually happen.
Is it possible that I actually do have all the truth now?

me - husband A46
her - wife A42
Married 17 years
D-Day August 2, 2009
3 kids 11, 13, and 15

Posts: 288 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Midwest
♀ 10347
Member # 10347
Default  Posted: 7:30 AM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I only wish I had tried harder, earlier on, to make sure he knew.

During the initial D-day period, I was under the impression that the whore and her spouse were separated. In fact, when I first met Whore, she was inquiring about an apartment I had to rent. She said her H was abusive and she needed to get away from him. She even tried to appeal to my sympathy to get me to lower the rent so she could better afford it! Fortunately I didn't fall for that, but she was actually half moved in when I realized something was "going on" with her and my H! I kicked her back out but never did think about the fact her "estranged" H might need to be told.

I did hear she went skulking back to him as her backup meal ticket when her plans with my H didn't work out the way she hoped. But I still didn't contact him then.

Well, after D-day #2, I knew the whore was actually living with her H and so I made an effort to tell him. It was not easy because they "don't do email" and I didn't have any cell phone numbers. He is self-employed as a logger so there was no way to find him "at work." The only options I knew of were to try to call him on the landline phone, or send snail mail.

I tried calling their house when I figured Whore had gone to work, hoping to catch him. But a teenaged boy answered and his father had already left for the day. That kind of freaked me out and I sure didn't want to talk to her kid. So I didn't call there again, but came up with plan B.

I copied several of Whore's voicemails that she left on my H's abandoned Tracphone onto an audio CD, and then I packaged them up and made it look like it was somes sort of UPS shipment a logger might get, hoping this would limit Whore's suspicions so he would open the package rather than her. I included a letter to explain the A and the contents of the package, and asked him to contact me to discuss a bit more.

Well based on the reaction and conversation I had with Whore after that, I am fairly certain he did "get the message." But he never contacted me so I guess I will never really know for sure. My best guess is he did get it, but chose to blame the messenger, or just avoid it all for whatever reasons. I'm still glad I did it and wish I also outed the whore after the first d-day.

Posts: 6828 | Registered: Apr 2006
♀ 34197
Member # 34197
Default  Posted: 9:03 AM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I did. He left me with a generally bad feeling, I knew him before the A so he called and asked me if I thought they had been physical and whatnot. This was the day after DDay 1 so I didn't know the whole truth, then he emailed me some and called me "hun" several times and said he hoped we could still be friends (no thanks!).

After false R I had too much to drink one night and sent MOW some texts after I found out that she had claimed to be pregnant during the A, she had her BH call me and I told him what I had learned. His response to me was "I don't care, I love her". That left me feeling horrible for several reasons. I'd recommend letting them know and then letting them deal with their own partner.

This goes back a little but after DDay 2 I read through emails and OW talked about how her BH was "kissing her ass", begging her to stay and wanting to start a family (before DDay he didn't want kids), he was deployed at the time and supposedly sent her flowers and jewelry too. This is why I felt like I should let him know what was really happening. She insisted on being the one to let him know what was going on and during that second short call there were so many lies I didn't know where to begin...he proved he was only going to believe her version though so that's his decision.

[This message edited by watchtheskyy at 9:04 AM, October 18th (Friday)]

The first step to living the life you want is leaving the life you don't want.

Posts: 198 | Registered: Dec 2011
♀ 38121
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 9:20 AM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I absolutely WOULD have contacted fat-asses' husband or boyfriend if she'd HAD one. But since she was a pig, she had to settle for an attached one as no single ones wanted her.

But make no mistake, that would have been item #1 on my hit list HAD there been a betrayed spouse on her end.

You NEED to contact the betrayed husband and let him know the truth. He deserves to know it JUST as you deserved to know it. Just because you mailed something to her house doesn't mean he KNOWS - she probably got it from the mailman first and tore it up.

To not tell her husband is to keep their dirty little secret FOR them.

Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 6327 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
Topic Posts: 14

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