SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

I just recently found out that my BF of 2 years strayed, by his own admission the next morning. I questioned him and he explained everything.
I have read articles and such that say that I should request access to his phone and email to be sure that it does not happen again (it was with someone he knew).
But part of me really doesn't want to do that. I feel that if I'm going to rebuild my trust, I want to do it through our actions and growth as a couple, rather than constant evidence. I don't want to become dependent on seeing it. I have to learn to TRUST it. Also, with as easy as it is to delete texts and emails, it almost seems pointless. If he knows I may ask, he could just delete to cover his tracks. I want to SEE and FEEL that I can trust him, from him. Not from his proof.
Has anyone else chosen NOT to search electronics and such? Were you able to get by and learn to trust again?

after i initially learned of the A I trusted him...but that proved me wrong. After i did look at the phone records I saw he was lying to me and talking the whole time to her...plus no...you don't see the texts but from looking at the records I saw 1000s of texts--that were deleted.

if your name is on the phone records as my name was--I felt like it was right to know what was on my own records--plus even if it is a separate account, I would look.

He needs to earn your trust back. The way to do that is with no secrets. Access to everything is really a must to move forward. Yes he could have another phone, another account, we can never be 100% sure they don't stray again. But refusing to offer that access is a big red flag.

I also do not WANT to check up on WW, it's a lot of wasted energy. But something I do from time to time. I think if WW was to cheat again she would slip up and forget something as she did last time. I was told but still went back and found electronic crap.

FYI deleting text does not remove them. For example there is a way to update an iphone and in the process get back all deleted texts since the last update. It is for this reason WW is never permitted to update her phone without me present.

We don't have the same account so I can't look at the records. I certainly don't trust him right now and am sure that I will be asking frequently if he is talking to her. Again, he can lie, but any of it can be covered I suppose.
I also know myself and I feel like if I get access, I will snoop even when he hasn't handed the phone over. I am fearful that I would become obsessive.
I had an ex that I snooped on because he seemed overly friendly with his ex. I never really found anything, but I was so concerned that at some point I would, so I just kept looking and looking, never finding anything. Even after we broke up, I still looked, just to find something to prove that something was going on.
I really want this relationship to work and I don't want to do that.

BikingGuy -

He hasn't refused access. I have never asked. I still go back and forth on if I want to ask. I am just so fearful that my trust will be based on seeing his phone, rather than seeing an improvement in our relationship.

And tbh.... he has a second phone and email for work. I am not allowed to see if for government reasons. So he could do anything there and I can't really do anything about it...

Trying2013,

I agree with your perspective. Who wants to start a life together by having to warp their self into a prison warden? And as you say, if he intends to cheat, he will probably have other avenues.

So my best advice is this... hope for the best and plan for the worst. I know that this sucks, but if you are going to give him free reign for good or bad, you have to be prepared either way. Give him your trust, admiration, and love. Keep your finances separate, insist on a pre-nup, make sure the consequences of (either of you) cheating is crystal clear and iron clad.

Then, go on to have a great life together.

Leopold -

Glad to know I'm not being naive. I've had this thought weighing on my mind a lot and no matter what, I am just so not okay with looking through his stuff.
I sat with my BF tonight and told him I wasn't going to expect to see his phone. That he could delete or find other ways, and that I didn't want my trust to be based on anything other than what he proved to me himself.
I did then tell him that I would ask now and then if he had heard from the girl, was talking to her, etc... and that I would expect him to be honest. If he wants my trust, he has to be honest with his answers. While I do not trust him now, I feel somewhat optimistic that he will be honest because he is completely torn up by his infidelity. He is constantly sulking, teary eyed, and feeling terrible, telling me is sorry, etc... While I don't enjoy seeing him feel this way, it is refreshing to know that he is so upset. I hope that is a decent indication that he will be honest in the future.

As far as bank accounts and such, we do not even live together. His struggles with self-esteem and past relationship issues has made our relationship rather slow moving. We will not be moving in, getting married, etc... until we are back on track and in a solid good place.

Don't trust him. He is a list. He will not change. I am with a liar. 5 times a cheater. This time I found out by looking at his phone. Same situation. Don't kid yourself. Either accept that he will cheat and be ok with it or move on. In my relationship everything else was great - it's hard to let go and give up all the years and all the good but enough is enough. I can make myself miserable. I don't need to be a detective and look at my partners emails or phone and never feel secure. I I need to move on but easier said than done. You only been in a relationship for 2 years. Those should be the bliss years !! Move on.

Alex -

I appreciate the input. While I agree that some people don't change, I have comfort in offering a second chance. If he cheats again, that was the risk I was willing to take.
Not to get into it, but I have done some pretty immoral things in my past. They have not only NEVER happened again, but they do not define who I am. I can't go through that myself but still label him.

I thought I had the best relationship. I thought he changed because he could see how badly it hurt me. I am going to let you know now- if he has cheated in the first 2 years, he will again. I hope he doesn't. Being together means no secrets. He should not card if u look at his phone. He should gladly allow it to give u peace of mind. Don't kid yourself. Forgiveness is powerful and can heal but do not just accept him on his word. He needs to earn that back.

I'm not saying that in a mean way. I'm saying it as loving as possibly. The first cut is the deepest. Don't forgive and forget so easily. What's the consequence then for him not to do it again. Eventually u just lose the emotion. Don't let that happen to u. (But yes some people can change)

AlexFL
I think I know what you feel right now, I'm in the same boat... to give or not another chance... and for me things look a lot uglier than for you. And yes, I also did some immoral things in my past and I swore I would rather die than do it again, so yes, some of us can find their strength... obviously few of us... the question is... your partner... what kind is he? You do mention he has some issues from previous relationships... as my husband as well ... please, if you do love him and you hope at a future together, make him confront his issues, get counseling. From my bitter experience, these things don't go away, they must be dealt with. Better sooner than later. I don't think you are wrong giving him another chance. Just be sure you do everything in your power... Good luck!!!

I don't know. Once you've been betrayed, 'blind trust' is almost impossible to give ANYONE, but it sounds like that's what you want to do with your boyfriend.

Just curious, did he confess out of the blue, or did you suspect something and question him, and THEN he confessed? Your opening paragraph about his confession is unclear so I can't figure out how this confession came about.

ETA: Ugh - he's got a 'secret' government phone? Unless he's FBI or CIA, I'd question that one, too.

[This message edited by NeverAgain2013 at 8:59 AM, October 18th (Friday)]

Yes there needs to be honesty and issues need to be discussed and dealt with. Counseling is a great start. I am at the beginning of my journey also. Wanting and feeling the need to search phone records and emails is driving me crazy. I have been consumed with it. It isn't healthy, there needs to be a give in the other side if they want to regain your trust and move forward. I also agree that it's very hard to find anything when texts are being deleted.
Hugs.

NeverAgain -
He confessed on his own, the next day. He called to tell me and I came over and we had a long conversation and he answered everything I asked with little to no difficulty. As far as the Gov phone, he is a Fed Officer so indeed I cannot see his phone. I am not even allowed to ride in his work vehicle because I am a civilian.
I am not looking for blind trust, but looking for trust that has been earned through hard work and communication. At the end of the day, I feel like if he cannot be honest with me and tell me what is going on when I ask, then that is the guilt he will have to deal with. It will also be the loss of the relationship that will be on his shoulders. I don't want to lose him, but if things end because I didn't check his phone and he chose to lie, then the emotional burden will be much harder on him than on me.

Drowning -

It comforts me to know that I am not alone in the issue with the phone and email. I know that if I have access, it will consume me. I know I will get to the point that when he leaves the room, I will search and search and if I don't find something, I will assume it is because it is deleted. Acting like that is not honest, IMO, and I feel that if he wants my trust, he should also be able to trust me.
I actually tried, once, to guess his email password immediately after I found out, just to know. It consumed me, but luckily, I couldn't figure it out. Ever since then, I feel a slight comfort in knowing I am going to try this the way I feel is right for me. That isn't to say that it doesn't enter my mind to search his phone, as I do know his pass code, but I know the slope I will go down if I do and that will only make the healing process 10x more difficult for me because all I will be able to focus on is what he could be hiding, rather than what he is working on and improving me and showing me in our relationship.

Every one is different, I had suspicions but decided to move forward asking for no explainations, somehow my WH got the impression that he got by without me knowing and believe me his behavior got worse, the next time I did confront but he was feeling pretty safe as he got away (he thought) with it before. I would say your BF openly confessing is a pretty good sign that there is a conscience working there and that's pretty positive. Do be on guard though because temptations are out there, if you see red flags investigate quickly. When my WH was cheating we drove around to see where their car was parked- checking up is easier now!