if your name is on the phone records as my name was--I felt like it was right to know what was on my own records--plus even if it is a separate account, I would look.
I also do not WANT to check up on WW, it's a lot of wasted energy. But something I do from time to time. I think if WW was to cheat again she would slip up and forget something as she did last time. I was told but still went back and found electronic crap.
FYI deleting text does not remove them. For example there is a way to update an iphone and in the process get back all deleted texts since the last update. It is for this reason WW is never permitted to update her phone without me present.
He hasn't refused access. I have never asked. I still go back and forth on if I want to ask. I am just so fearful that my trust will be based on seeing his phone, rather than seeing an improvement in our relationship.
And tbh.... he has a second phone and email for work. I am not allowed to see if for government reasons. So he could do anything there and I can't really do anything about it...
I agree with your perspective. Who wants to start a life together by having to warp their self into a prison warden? And as you say, if he intends to cheat, he will probably have other avenues.
So my best advice is this... hope for the best and plan for the worst. I know that this sucks, but if you are going to give him free reign for good or bad, you have to be prepared either way. Give him your trust, admiration, and love. Keep your finances separate, insist on a pre-nup, make sure the consequences of (either of you) cheating is crystal clear and iron clad.
Then, go on to have a great life together.
Glad to know I'm not being naive. I've had this thought weighing on my mind a lot and no matter what, I am just so not okay with looking through his stuff.
I sat with my BF tonight and told him I wasn't going to expect to see his phone. That he could delete or find other ways, and that I didn't want my trust to be based on anything other than what he proved to me himself.
I did then tell him that I would ask now and then if he had heard from the girl, was talking to her, etc... and that I would expect him to be honest. If he wants my trust, he has to be honest with his answers. While I do not trust him now, I feel somewhat optimistic that he will be honest because he is completely torn up by his infidelity. He is constantly sulking, teary eyed, and feeling terrible, telling me is sorry, etc... While I don't enjoy seeing him feel this way, it is refreshing to know that he is so upset. I hope that is a decent indication that he will be honest in the future.
As far as bank accounts and such, we do not even live together. His struggles with self-esteem and past relationship issues has made our relationship rather slow moving. We will not be moving in, getting married, etc... until we are back on track and in a solid good place.
I appreciate the input. While I agree that some people don't change, I have comfort in offering a second chance. If he cheats again, that was the risk I was willing to take.
Not to get into it, but I have done some pretty immoral things in my past. They have not only NEVER happened again, but they do not define who I am. I can't go through that myself but still label him.
Just curious, did he confess out of the blue, or did you suspect something and question him, and THEN he confessed? Your opening paragraph about his confession is unclear so I can't figure out how this confession came about.
ETA: Ugh - he's got a 'secret' government phone? Unless he's FBI or CIA, I'd question that one, too.
[This message edited by NeverAgain2013 at 8:59 AM, October 18th (Friday)]
It comforts me to know that I am not alone in the issue with the phone and email. I know that if I have access, it will consume me. I know I will get to the point that when he leaves the room, I will search and search and if I don't find something, I will assume it is because it is deleted. Acting like that is not honest, IMO, and I feel that if he wants my trust, he should also be able to trust me.
I actually tried, once, to guess his email password immediately after I found out, just to know. It consumed me, but luckily, I couldn't figure it out. Ever since then, I feel a slight comfort in knowing I am going to try this the way I feel is right for me. That isn't to say that it doesn't enter my mind to search his phone, as I do know his pass code, but I know the slope I will go down if I do and that will only make the healing process 10x more difficult for me because all I will be able to focus on is what he could be hiding, rather than what he is working on and improving me and showing me in our relationship.