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How am I not thinking about it?

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Trying2013 posted 10/17/2013 18:19 PM

The situation only happened very recently. When I learned, I spent days in bed, not eating or sleeping, crying, the whole 9 yards. Once we both made the choice to try to work through it, a sudden weight lifted...though HE was the one that cheated.
I am a teacher and spent the days up to deciding to work it out on edge, was cranky with my students, wasn't motivated to teach, etc... Now, I go to work, am laughing, up beat, and back to my normal self. I actually spend most of the day not even thinking about it.
How is it that the cheating was recent (within the month), yet knowing we are going to work on it has already brought me so much ease? That isn't to say that as soon as I left work, I became extremely sad and a bit sluggish and unmotivated while shopping for dinner and even cried a little in the car. I think I even started yelling at him while I was driving (I was alone).
Did anyone start to feel a bit better just with the decision to try to work through it? And then of course, anyone else have a crazy flux of emotions?

PinkJeepLady posted 10/17/2013 18:30 PM

Well, I do think there might be some relief after making the decision to work it out. It seems that when people have a goal in mind they feel better. Gives you focus. Maybe that's where you are at?
"Crazy flux of emotions" yeah, count on it! I can't say how it will be for you, but for me it was buckle up for the wildest, craziest ride of my life. I have experienced emotions that I didn't know were possible. It has been the darkest part of my life. However, things are looking up and I do not regret staying with R. Personally I have learned a lot and know I am way stronger than I thought I was.
Be good to yourself and be ready for that crazy flux of emotions!
Take care!

Trying2013 posted 10/17/2013 18:44 PM

PinkJeepLady -

Thank you for the kind words. Good to know I'm not completely crazy! Though sometimes I feel like it. :)

I think you are right about having the goal. The wildest part was, when he confessed, my first thought was to figure out how to work through it. I believe this man could be the love of my life, and granted we have a lot of growth and communicating to do, but the relationship was wonderful from the start. However, he is very guarded and so, day by day, we were as great as could be. But we didn't talk about serious things a lot, because we were both afraid to dive into it. I think this was a big part of our problem. Hopefully we can repair that now that we know what happens if we don't.

Happy to know it's ok to feel ok/relieved about deciding to work through it all.

PinkJeepLady posted 10/17/2013 18:49 PM

That's one of the nice things about SI, a place to find out if you are crazy or not! lol
Hang in there, wishing you strength through this journey!

breakingpoint posted 10/17/2013 18:49 PM

My feelings are all over the place. Mostly very depressed but I have random days of peace and hopefulness. Its very confusing. Hope that my emotions (and yours!) will level out over time. Good luck!

topperoff22 posted 10/17/2013 18:51 PM

Yes...I did start to feel a little bit better knowing he wanted to work on things with me and save our marriage. A little, but not tons because I discovered the affair and he was going to go see her if I hadn't stopped things. Now, two months in, i'm feeling a little more at ease about it, yes. A LITTLE. SO I can relate.

AML04 posted 10/17/2013 19:16 PM

Once he told me he only wanted to be with me and it was over, I felt relief.
That's not to say at almost 5 months out I'm even close to healed but at that time it was exactly what I needed. I think I fully expected him to tell me he didn't love me anymore so when he didn't, I was finally able to breathe.
I hope he does everything you need to help you heal. All my best to you.

[This message edited by AML04 at 7:19 PM, October 17th (Thursday)]

ontheslope posted 10/17/2013 19:43 PM


A cautionary tale... my own.

I too found out about my W's A and within a short time found myself nearly back to normal and happy that my world hadn't just fallen apart. I managed to keep that up for nearly 2 years. 2 whole years.

That was when the panic attacks started. That when when the anxiety kicked in, and that was when it all unraveled.

You see, it hadn't gone away. I wasn't over it. In fact, I'd never really delt with it. I cried a little when it first happened. I got angry a little, but I was so happy that she hadn't left me that I just boxed up all of the other feelings and stuck them on a shelf in my head somewhere.

And they ate me alive from the inside out.

I remember thinking back when I first found out that it wasn't that big a deal. So she went and had sex with another guy. I can get over that. I still love her. That's enough, right?

Just... please.... don't make my mistake. Deal with this. Do the counseling. Let yourself feel. And only when you truly understand what his betrayal has done to your M, to you, and to your very soul will you be able to process it and then perhaps heal from it.

[This message edited by ontheslope at 7:45 PM, October 17th (Thursday)]

shatteredheart7 posted 10/17/2013 20:29 PM

Knowing that he was truly remorseful and that we were not going to give up did help a lot in the early days. I agree with getting IC and MC. It was the best thing we could have done for our M.

At 13 months out, I still think of his A every day. However, as long as I am busy I do not think about it and am my old happy bubbly person. As soon as I am alone though the thoughts start. I have learned to process them, for the most part, and then move on to other more constructive things.

I do want to say though, congrats! For the first 2 months it was all I could do to get out of bed to take my youngest to school. I wasn't capable of functioning at all.

Trying2013 posted 10/17/2013 21:07 PM

OnTheSlope -
Very understandable. I am making a strong effort to not do that. I am someone that bounces back from things in general. I don't tend to dwell too much, hold too much of a grudge, wallow, etc...
That being said...I am trying very hard to still put my feelings out there and get his as well. He is struggling on the outside a ton more than me, so it's almost hard not to address it. When we are together, he is so depressed and terrible feeling, that we don't have much of a choice but to talk about it because otherwise we are to people sitting on the couch with nothing happening. I am making an effort to tell him how I feel, why I am acting the way I am, and so forth.
I tend to be a very positive, upbeat person, and am attempting to be that way with him as much as possible. While I know that he feels terrible for what he did, and rightfully so, I feel like one of the first steps we need to take is to be open and comfortable enough to take the steps into our depths to be able to work this out.

Trying2013 posted 10/17/2013 21:13 PM

ShatteredHeart -

I am the same as you. Generally bubbly and upbeat. I find myself pushing through to my old ways at work with my students, but the alone time is definitely the hardest.

The first few days were definitely the hardest, trying to find out what we would even do. I layed in bed, didn't eat, couldn't sleep, and when I finally did eat, it made me sick. I still a low on energy sometimes and feel a bit down, but am slowly pushing myself through to be my normal self as much as possible. I feel like, with being a teacher, I have to put on a happy face for the students. I'm not good at faking being happy, so I just need to be in a happy place for them. For my relationship, I am the one that is feeling optimistic right now. I am dealing with being cheated on, sure, and that feels horrible. But I love him more than the amount of pain he has caused. He is really struggling with what he has done, so I have to stay strong and positive for both of us. I do this with hope that eventually he will start to come back to himself a bit and then we can really start working.

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