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Joanh posted 10/17/2013 20:58 PM

today, right now, and it sucks. I am thankful that we are still together. (Though he is away at work, maybe home tomorrow.)
At what price.
I love him, and saying that I feel sad,and ashamed.
I feel love in my heart, I feel protective, I feel weak and scared.
I am alone. He's there but he's not.
He's in his own pain and hurt.
Went to the city with a girlfriend of mine today to help her. She has a aunt who is dying and she wanted to see her. And didn't want to do it alone. It felt good to know I could help hold her up.
I wish I could be that person for my husband again. I wish he could see inside my mind and my heart, so he could see. The me that he is still here for, is getting stronger, is working on loving herself more and working on accepting what she has done so that she can give him all of her. Not be so ashamed that she can't be free to be. So he can see that the love and the admiration and the affection and the words I say to him come from my heart and my soul.
I know its hard to believe, I understand that, I just am wishing tonight for that illusive mirror to the soul to be available to him so he can see. That the last 15 years and the next 40 were not a wrong choice.
And please I know once again that's not something I should or should believe can be true or even ask. I just wish there was some way for him to see the true feelings inside of me.
Maybe if he could see , he wouldn't feel so alone, so uncertain, so scared, and have back that strength he had and still has, that he can walk with his head held high again, not down because he is embarrassed and ashamed that he has me for his wife.
This is my anniversary wish for my husband. I wish for him to be whole again.
Thank you for listening, I just needed a place to be.

BaxtersBFF posted 10/17/2013 21:36 PM

Congratulations on 15 years! It sounds like you have a lot of hope, and that is enough sometimes.

Jrazz posted 10/17/2013 21:43 PM

(((Joanh & H)))

DefeatedDad posted 10/18/2013 13:33 PM

Congratulations on your anniversary Joanh.

Ive read through your threads and what a wild ride you and hubby have been on. I think the fact that he has stuck with you this long is a good sign he's in it for the long haul.

Just give him space and be there for him.

And yes, you should tell him you love him.

Joanh posted 10/18/2013 14:35 PM

Thanks for the encouragement.
He's coming home today and I am really looking forward to seeing him. I do miss him so.

heartache101 posted 10/20/2013 08:55 AM

Joanh
Congrats!
Hope you have a lovely weekend!

Joanh posted 10/21/2013 16:55 PM

It was a weird weekend, weboth tried hard to enjoy our time together, could tell we both were really strained. His blood pressure was up and having heart flutters so I know he was stressed to the max and I was on edge not sure what was going to happen and wanting to just hold him and be thank ful he was here with me.
Infact we talked about plans and we are looking at buying anew carand building all future stuff and its been his thoughts?
He's lost weight again this week he was away, he looks so tired and we both got wore down cause we were up so late being with each other.
From what I can tell this next year couldbe worse than this last year, and I just don't know how to rejuvenate and keep us strong to make it through. Somedays I know either one of us or both of us just do not want to get out of bed.

OnAnIsland posted 10/22/2013 00:40 AM

I don't know if year 2 is worse. For some it is. For us, my WH finally started getting real with IC, which has helped a lot. (I fear that year 3 will be like year 2 is reputed to be and we are on some super slow motion plan).

Anyway, just wanted to say that travel from work, anniversary and pending D day probably has a lot to do with where your h is right now. I find that the A season can really creep up on me. Just the right weather and accompanying significant dates will transport me back, without me initially realizing why I am so blue.

Hang in there. Be there for each other. Take a break to rejuvenate yourselves- individually and together- the M. Maybe even a sick day.

Joanh posted 10/22/2013 09:20 AM

Thanks for the wishes and support