today, right now, and it sucks. I am thankful that we are still together. (Though he is away at work, maybe home tomorrow.)
At what price.
I love him, and saying that I feel sad,and ashamed.
I feel love in my heart, I feel protective, I feel weak and scared.
I am alone. He's there but he's not.
He's in his own pain and hurt.
Went to the city with a girlfriend of mine today to help her. She has a aunt who is dying and she wanted to see her. And didn't want to do it alone. It felt good to know I could help hold her up.
I wish I could be that person for my husband again. I wish he could see inside my mind and my heart, so he could see. The me that he is still here for, is getting stronger, is working on loving herself more and working on accepting what she has done so that she can give him all of her. Not be so ashamed that she can't be free to be. So he can see that the love and the admiration and the affection and the words I say to him come from my heart and my soul.
I know its hard to believe, I understand that, I just am wishing tonight for that illusive mirror to the soul to be available to him so he can see. That the last 15 years and the next 40 were not a wrong choice.
And please I know once again that's not something I should or should believe can be true or even ask. I just wish there was some way for him to see the true feelings inside of me.
Maybe if he could see , he wouldn't feel so alone, so uncertain, so scared, and have back that strength he had and still has, that he can walk with his head held high again, not down because he is embarrassed and ashamed that he has me for his wife.
This is my anniversary wish for my husband. I wish for him to be whole again.
Thank you for listening, I just needed a place to be.