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He's putting the stepkids before his own.

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tryingagain74 posted 10/17/2013 21:15 PM

I knew this day would come.

He's so desperate and needy; I knew that he'd do whatever the Owife wanted so that he could keep her happy.

Two of my kids saw him and the Owife in the cafeteria at school. They came to school to celebrate the stepdaughter's birthday by having lunch with her, which was this week.

DS #2 and DD just had their birthdays two weeks ago. Dad was nowhere to be found.

Now, I won't lie-- if he and the Owife had shown up to school to celebrate my children's birthdays, it would have enraged me. He's never showed that kind of interest before, and she's not their mother, so I wouldn't want her stepping into what should be my role (which gee, I can't fulfill because I have to work since I'm now a single mom).

But... did he THINK for ONE second about how our KIDS might feel if they saw him? Of course not. They are the ones who got hurt by this. DS #2 said, "He must love [stepdaughter] more than he loves us."

What does XWH tell the kids when they question him? The kindergarten teacher INVITED them to come celebrate. Um... I've had three kids in kindergarten now at the same school (one of whom had the kindergarten teacher that the stepdaughter has); teachers do not invite parents in to celebrate. In fact, it's typically discouraged-- they don't want parents coming into school and disrupting the classes. You're supposed to drop off the treats at the front desk with a label on them. You can have lunch with them, but you make arrangements with the school, not the teacher. So, he lied to them.

In the grand scheme of things, it's not a big deal. I tried to smooth it over as best I could. Unfortunately, the stepchildren are sounding more and more like a couple of the spoiled kids from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory based on what my kids tell me, so I'm finding it harder to keep saying, "Well, they're very insecure because of all of the changes that have occurred in their lives." Not at the expense of my kids' well-being.

It's so disappointing. What bothers me is that he's now showing me what I feared would happen. I can't wait to see what happens next.

[This message edited by tryingagain74 at 9:16 PM, October 17th (Thursday)]

thebighurt posted 10/17/2013 21:45 PM

Well, it sounds like the kids are "getting it". They're very aware of what's going on and maybe pretty soon they will let him know when he wonders why they decided not to bother going with him for the weekend. FTG

They're pretty sharp, just like Mom. (((trying, DSs & DD)))

suckstobeme posted 10/17/2013 22:21 PM

It's such an awful shame, isn't it? And, it's a real insight into how weak and stupid they really are.

My ex does the same sort of stuff. He will help plan' birthday parties for her kids, but celebrate my kids' birthdays a week late without giving it a thought. He will go to her kids' sporting events but won't bother to go to my kids' music or dance recitals and won't even call them after to see how they did.

I don't know if they really just have no thought in their heads that this is going to be seen as favoritism over their own kids, or if they know it but are too focused on playing follow the leader and avoiding any sort of conflict in their new lives. Whatever the case may be, it doesn't really matter since, either way, it hurts their children.

It also goes to show how selfish and disgusting the OW are and how they don't really love our exes. I would never be with a man who put his children last and I would never be with a man who has children and not do my best to make them feel special in my home. Loving a man with kids means loving all of him - that includes his children. They are only in it for what these dumb, desperate men can give them. That kind of ugliness is not love.

I'm sorry that he's so weak and desperate and pathetic as to make his own kids feel less than. I'm also sorry that they have to see and realize this early so on in their childhoods. While this will indoubtedly impact them, they will be okay ultimately because they have you. They can see the difference between the parent who views them as an obligation and the parent who sees them as a gift.

anewday78 posted 10/17/2013 22:40 PM

God, this has to be so difficult for you. My heart goes out to you tonight. I've followed your story and have suspected your children would eventually catch on. You know, when we talk about what selfish assholes these WS's can be, we often take solace in knowing that, one day, the kids will see them for who they truly are. Unfortunately, it's not so comforting when that day arrives - especially when it's so soon. To see your kids in pain - pain caused by one of the two people whose most important job in life is to protect them - is absolutely heart-breaking. Shame on your xh. Although you're lucky to be somewhat free of him, the kids really got the raw end of the deal here. All you can do is be the best parent you can be for them - I have no doubt that their single mom can provide far more than the two broken parents who visited that cafeteria today. Shame on them both. One day he'll wonder why your children aren't calling or visiting. One day he'll have hurt feelings when he hears your daughter call your new husband daddy. One day he'll wonder what he ever did to deserve such a lack of respect and consideration from his own children - that'll be the day that you can sit back and say, "I told you so."

[This message edited by anewday78 at 10:42 PM, October 17th (Thursday)]

FirstLoveGone posted 10/17/2013 23:34 PM

Oh my god, this post brought tears to my eyes. Not only for your children, but for my own child as well. This is because I see this situation playing out in my DD's not so distant future.

I just cannot understand this. How in god's name can you do this to your own flesh and blood? And to an innocent child as well?

This just proves how fucked up our Xs really are.

I hurt for your kiddos.

Ashland13 posted 10/18/2013 08:45 AM

This has happened here and with other people we know.

It becomes life lessons for everyone involved and shows the true colors of the Xs and OWs.

The thing is that kids see through it, eventually, and will learn to protect themselves from it.

DD in this case is coming upon this very situation at present and part of my trouble is not being there to help her deal with the hurt that's sure to follow. Maybe not right away, but it will come.

I know what you mean about the mixed emotions you have about XWH at the school, and XPerv did that too, without telling me he was doing it. It was my workplace, so I had the rage also and the principal failed to tell me as well. So I don't work there anymore.

I'm sorry for your family's hard time and I'll never understand why they seem to need to shove the OWs in our faces.

peridot posted 10/18/2013 09:22 AM

My ex no longer sees the kids but when he did, he would ignore birthdays even when he had the kids. The rest of his family would step in and give the kids a party. One year, he was fighting with his family and the kids didn't get a party at all from him.

Then there is Christmas, he would buy the kids dollar store stuff. Let me say, I am fine with that. I shop at the Dollar Tree. However, he buys the step kids expensive gifts while mine gets some dollar toy.

He has never shown up for any of the school functions. I used to let him know when they were. He said he'd be there and then not show.

sparkysable posted 10/18/2013 12:20 PM

Two of my kids saw him and the Owife in the cafeteria at school. They came to school to celebrate the stepdaughter's birthday by having lunch with her, which was this week.

DS #2 and DD just had their birthdays two weeks ago. Dad was nowhere to be found.

AYFKM? What a lowlife, disgusting piece of shit.

This isn't him though. If this was him, he would have come for his own 2 kids birthdays, ALONE. This was all her. This is her idea, trying to piss on her territory and legitimize herself, and she's dragging him along with her. He would NEVER think of this on his own, and put forth the effort. It's her.

He should have let her go alone, if she wanted to go to the school so bad, KNOWING that his own kids would be there and would see him. A normal person would think "I didn't go have lunch with my own kids, maybe I'd better not go for Ms. Madison's kids, in case my own kids see me, and get upset". But, being the pathetic loser that he is, she says "shit"...and he squats.

sparkysable posted 10/18/2013 12:43 PM

You know what else? Let's think about this....when we were unfortunately married to these scumbags, it was always US, the women, who remembered the birthdays, planned the holidays, etc. They never did. Same thing here, this is Ms. Madison doing all the planning, and he's just following along.

Gr8Lady posted 10/18/2013 12:56 PM

True colors showing ?

Sadly, if WAyward husband put as much effort into their marriage with us, just think.
This too will come to pass. Wait til the step kids reach adolescence he will sing a different song.

As far as your kids, you don't have to utter one bad word against him they will see for themselves. That high road is awesome, and will show your kids what you are made of.

gypsybird87 posted 10/18/2013 13:02 PM

Ugh, that just sucks on so many levels. From other posters comments its apparently common too, which is really sad.

I'm seeing a version of this in my situation as well. XWH is supporting OW's 19yo daughter and 21yo son, both of whom don't work and live with him and OW. If he wants to support them, fine... that's his option. But I recently found out that his 1st XW is in the process of taking him back to court because he's stopped paying her child support for his two youngest boys. Not sure when this started but its gone on long enough to piss her off.

One of the boys that currently lives with her, used to live with XWH and me. He was at ground zero for all the drama, and then dragged into living with OW and her kids. I don't know what all went on there but it was bad enough that he opted to contact his mother, whom he literally had not spoken to in over a year, and arrange to move in with her. I think the favoritism to OW's kids is what drove him to this decision.

Why do these a-holes do this? Putting the OW and her kids over their own kids... Can't even imagine what it's like for the kids to know they are dead last on the priorities list. I'm glad my XWH's are old enough to be on to it and protect themselves as best they can. Sounds like your kids are getting there too.

At least they have an amazing mom! I'm betting if you really look back, you'll see you were ALWAYS the better parent.

suckstobeme posted 10/18/2013 13:38 PM

Sparky nailed it. He played follow the leader to his own benefit (making sure OW doesn't bitch him out) and to the detriment of his own kids. That's all these runners do - they played follow the leader with us too, only we were normal, loving leaders who generally thought of the good the entire family as part of the decision making process. These bitches don't do that. They push themselves and their kids to the forefront. If they didn't have that as their primary agenda, they wouldn't have fucked around with a married person in the first place.

He's a weak, weak piss poor excuse for a man. But, he's not dumb enough to realize that he made this bed and he better get in it and do exactly as she says or else he will look like a bigger asshole and a bigger failure than he already does.

Trying, I always think of the story you tell about your brother who married the OW. He knew it was wrong the day of the wedding, but he forged ahead and tried his best to make it work to try to salvage some part of his reputation. He stuck it out for six long years until the dam had to break. Your ex is in the same position.

I don't think this is entirely intentional. I honestly think its a way to cope with the shit show that is now their lives. It's no excuse, but it's the reality. Our kids are the collateral damage in this fucked up psychology of wayward survival mode.

He will regret this later when your kids grow up and choose to treat him as special as he treated them. The writing is already on the wall.

FirstLoveGone posted 10/18/2013 22:14 PM

Totally agree with STBM. I now realize that XH conformed to my values and ethics. I was constantly guiding him through professional and personal situations. He would follow my lead.

And now he follows OW's lead. And we obviously know how high OW's values and ethics are.

They are so weak that they throw their own kids under the bus.

[This message edited by FirstLoveGone at 10:14 PM, October 18th (Friday)]

SBB posted 10/18/2013 22:14 PM

"He must love [stepdaughter] more than he loves us."

Much like their affairs, this behaviour has nothing to do with your kids or the stepkids or OW and everything to do with the WSs fucked up minds.

That is hard enough for us to understand let alone for our kids to understand.

This is so horrible I cannot even speak. How can someone not even consider how insensitive this is?

My 5.5 year old is already putting two and two together. She asks me "Why does daddy never eat dinner with us but always with Whaura?", "Why is Whaura always there when we are there when she is already there when we are here?".

I don't know how to answer so we talk about how it makes her feel. When I encourage her to talk to him she says he tells her she is being silly.

It puts the shit they did to us into perspective. For me that pales in comparison to this stuff. I can eat my own shit sandwich but it kills me to watch my girls gag on theirs.

I'm not yet past the guilt of choosing so poorly for them. I don't think I will ever be. Intellectually I can talk myself through it but I struggle to do so emotionally.

((TA74 and kids))

tryingagain74 posted 10/18/2013 23:09 PM

I am SO glad that I have this board!!! You make me feel like I'm not crazy.

Sometimes, I wonder if I'm being oversensitive or if I'm overreacting. But when the kids told me... I had that awful, hollow pit-in-my-stomach feeling. They weren't sad about it, just sort of curious, but it was so painful for me to hear. I mean, my dad has always been the rock of the family. No matter what, he's been there for us through every good and bad decision we've made. He's getting up in years now, but when I was a kid, he was the guy you called at 3:00 am, and he was on his way to help you. He's also been a fantastic grandfather, and I love spending time with him and my mom.

So, it breaks my heart. I think about how lucky I was that my parents were the rock that supported me, and although my mom was usually the one I spent time discussing problems with, my dad has always been that steady, calming, rational influence in the background. I've had many intense conversations with him over the years about different subjects, and he's always been so right on the money with his advice.

So... basically... my kids don't have a dad like that. Unless XWH has a brain transplant, they never will.

I get scared for them-- what happens if something happens to me? Can I be the mom and the dad for them throughout their lives? Will that be enough?

It sucks that he'll never be enough. I hope that my kids do see me as enough, and I make it a point to have them spend lots of time with my parents, so I hope that my dad also functions as a "dad" figure for my kids as well.

Thanks for your input. He's such a disappointment. If any of my children ever treat their families the way that he's treated ours, I will feel like I have somehow failed as a parent.

As my dad said to me the day I told him about XWH's cheating two years ago: "You know, for such an intelligent man, your husband's pretty stupid." He had no idea how accurate his words were.

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