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Newest Member: wantingtomovefwd (61122)

User Topic: Do I talk to the other spouse?
♀ 41022
Member # 41022
Default  Posted: 10:59 PM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My story: found out on 2/1 when I was 5 months pregnant with our twins that he's been seeing a woman from work, but they've only kissed according to him. We both promise to work on our marriage and he says it's over. I give it 100%. Find out June 19 that not only had it still been going on, it has now gone all the way and he even called her multiple times when our twins were born in May and I was recovering and receiving blood transfusions from their traumatic birth. Back in February, I drafted many emails to OW's husband, but chickened out every time. I'm pregnant and vulnerable and I want to work my marriage out and don't want to do anything to make the situation worse. In July, other woman's husband sends me a message, letting me know my husband cheated on me. I've known for 5 months now. I didn't see these messages until just last week because they went to my junk folder on FB. The question is, do I reach out to him now after all these months? I have so many questions on what he knows because I just don't know if I have the full story. And I feel like I owe him an apology for not telling him sooner. Maybe if I had it would have ended sooner. It would be nice to know he's going through the same roller coaster I am. Or would responding to him cross the line?

2/1/13 - 1st Dday - WH claims it is only an EA with coworker and it will end
6/19/13 - It never ended, it turned into a PA, but NOW it's really over.....he says
Married 7 years, together 11 years
3 children - 4 years, and 13 month old twins

Posts: 23 | Registered: Oct 2013
♂ 36697
Member # 36697
Default  Posted: 11:02 PM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

s long as you are careful to enforce appropriate boundaries, he may very well be your greatest ally inn keeping the affair from restarting.

Posts: 2940 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Baja Arizona
♀ 39073
Member # 39073
Default  Posted: 12:10 AM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It might be a relief for him to know you got the message. I don't think he is going to forget that he sent it any time soon. This has to be traumatic for him too.

I wish that I knew if my WH's OW's husband knows. According to our MC, I am not allowed to speak to him if I want to continue to work on our marriage with her. I tried to get ahold of him but early on but couldn't, she blocked me and he is retired and home all the time. Now I am stuck unless I chose to give up on our own marriage. I resent my husband for this because he fought really hard to keep me from telling the OBS. I feel like he is protecting her and himself. I really do like this counselor though I feel like the bad guy so often (today was an great example of that). Since I don't want to divorce and she might be able to help my husband learn to emotionally connect which would help me survive in this marriage, I don't want to give up yet. I've invested 30 years and everything I am in this marriage.

Don't blame yourself for any of this. You were busy carrying his children, recovering from the birth and taking care of twins. He should have been there with you instead of running off to play patty-cake with someone else. If he told you he stopped and he didn't its on him. Has he gone no contact with her now?

[This message edited by LearningToFly at 12:12 AM, October 18th (Friday)]

Me - BS (53) Him-WS(58)
Her OW(55) HighSchoolGirlfriend
Together 30 years Married 28 Kids 24,21,18
D day Feb 26 2013 after 20 months
D day March 4 they met again "to say goodbye"
D day April 2 found out about secret email

Posts: 195 | Registered: Apr 2013
♀ 41022
Member # 41022
Default  Posted: 1:17 AM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I should also add that according to my husband, the affair ended on June 13. The phone records supported that so I didn't question it. But the OW husband emailed me on July 10 to tell me that I had been cheated on, but he thought it was over now. Fine. But then he emailed me again on July 12 to tell me that my husband won't stop calling his wife. So apparently my husband was still talking to her in July when he was telling me it was over and we were working on things. Oh yeah, and OW husband also CALLED my husband in July to ask him to stop, and my husband conveniently forgot to mention that. It's things like that that also really make me curious to talk to OW husband. What could he know about this that I'm still in the dark about? But I also want to work on my marriage and would this be seen as a violation on my part to contact him?

2/1/13 - 1st Dday - WH claims it is only an EA with coworker and it will end
6/19/13 - It never ended, it turned into a PA, but NOW it's really over.....he says
Married 7 years, together 11 years
3 children - 4 years, and 13 month old twins

Posts: 23 | Registered: Oct 2013
♀ 40533
Member # 40533
Default  Posted: 2:03 AM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think talking to him at least once or exchanging an email or two to piece information together is justified in your case.

I waited to tell the other spouse for 3 months...because I thought it was over and had a lot of conflicted feelings about sharing the information. In retrospect I wish I would have done it sooner, because just like in your case, the contact didn't end when I thought it did.

Anyway, I was friends with the other spouse and he was very grateful that I did finally tell him and did not harbor any resentment that I didn't tell him sooner - he said he understood.

I can imagine that the other spouse really wants to know that you got the message. Reach out to him to share information and then end the contact.

Me: 39 yo BW
Him: 41 yo WH
2 daughters (9, 6); married 16 yrs
DD: 6/2/13 (5 mo EA/PA with coworker)
Divorced 7/17/15

Posts: 50 | Registered: Sep 2013
♀ 35812
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 11:35 AM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The other BS can be your greatest ally in this storm that your WH has brought down upon you. Contact him. Explain that you just recently got his messages due to them going to your junk FB folder, and ask him for everything that he knows. Offer him everything that you know. With two sets of eyes watching, it is likely that the OW will throw your WH under the bus to save her own marriage, or vice versa. If it makes you feel safer, contact the BH with a throw-away email account. Just google "how do I make a temporary email account" and pick a service.

BTW, you are not hurting your chances of saving your marriage. He did his best to destroy your marriage when he went out of it. You deserve answers and you deserve the truth, so do what you need to do to get it. (((hugs)))

Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012

Posts: 9915 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
♀ 38121
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 1:34 PM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Would it be seen as a 'violation' on your part? A violation to whom?

He's doing the right thing and trying to give you the information you deserve to know.

Very rarely does anyone get the 100% truth from their cheating spouse. I'd get in touch with him ASAP and get the missing puzzle pieces.

Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 6327 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
♂ 36004
Member # 36004
Default  Posted: 2:00 PM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would contact them.

I finally contacted the OM's wife after a few months. I truly didn't contact her before because I didn't want her to go through what I went through. The OM wouldn't let it go. I contacted her out of spite for him.

She was so thankful I contacted her. We became friends of sorts. Because of our communication it truly ended.

We don't communicate anymore but I felt I could talk to her because we were in the same boat so to speak.

I didn't know there was this much emotional pain in the universe!
Me 42
Her 44
D-day 5.18.12
Currently in R

Posts: 377 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: damaged71
♀ 41022
Member # 41022
Default  Posted: 3:03 PM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I need opinions on this draft. Too much info? I just don't know what he is going to want to hear. Iím sorry to bother you, but ever since I saw these emails last week, I havenít been able to stop thinking about what I should have said. Iíve gone back and forth, debating on whether or not to come out with it or remain silent, but ultimately, remaining silent was the worst mistake Iíve made through all of this and Iíve regretted it every minute. So here it is Ė I owe you an apology. I found emails and pictures between the two of them on February 1 when I was 5 months pregnant with our twin boys. I confronted ___ and he said that it had only gone as far as kissing and he had been feeling lonely and unloved in our marriage. After a long talk, he agreed to end things and work on our marriage and I said I was sorry for any role I had played in making him feel unloved and I would do my best to change that. The next week he had surgery and we put everything aside while he recovered. I couldnít shake the suspicions, though, so I got ahold of his work phone (by that time he had stopped using his personal phone and email) and found more messages, this time using ______ cell phone because they used her as a cover to meet. I confronted him again and again he said he was sorry, but that was over now. He held me and cried that he was sorry, and that I meant more to him that anything in the world. In the meantime, my pregnancy is getting more difficult and Iím being told by my doctor to take it easy and avoid stress as much as possible because the risk of preterm labor is high at this point. Avoid stress. Right. I knew ___ was married and I knew she had 2 kids. ___ told me that her husband was cheating on her, whether thatís bs that he came up with, something he was told or what, I donít know. But I did write a couple emails to you. I wrote and re-wrote, and read and re-wrote again. I kept wondering what the right thing to do was. On the one hand, I thought you had a right to know. On the other, I desperately needed my marriage to work at this point and I was afraid of the backlash of sending those emails. I needed to think of my babies and I just didnít know what would happen. And, as I stated earlier, I was told that it hadnít gone beyond kissing and it was OVER. Call me naÔve, but I HAD to believe that. So I deleted the emails and did my best to move on like nothing had happened. That was the biggest mistake of my life, I think. I continued to check ____ phone, email, location and had suspicions of times when I THOUGHT he might have met up with her, but he always had another story. Their meetups in the park Ė he was working on a rental house. Their meetups at the bar Ė he was meeting guys from work. I was pregnant and home with our 3 year old daughter, so I couldnít exactly follow him to be sure. And there werenít any more calls or emails that I could find. Our boys were born on _____ and ____ was amazing the whole time. It was a very difficult delivery and I was out of it most of the next day while I received blood transfusions and recovered. Again, ___ played the devoted husband and father to a T. The nurses in the hospital even went out of their way to tell me what a lucky girl I was to have such a loving husband. I believed it. Finally, on June 19, I got our phone bill and everything came out. For whatever reason, he had gone back to using his personal phone. My theory is that someone from the company saw them together in the park and he got the ďitís your business but donít use company resources to do itĒ lecture. I donít know. But the number of calls was obscene. Calls BOTH WAYS. I think itís important that you know that in all the evidence I have, NEITHER ONE OF THEM WAS MORE OF THE PURSUER. Iím not sure who started it or who finished it, but while it was going on, they both were all too eager to do it. After seeing the phone bill, after seeing that they called each other while I was in labor and over 10 times the day after my boys were born, I told him to get out. He begged me to let him explain. We went to the park and let our 3 year old play out of earshot while he told me that it had still be going on (no shit), but ironically, they had just decided to end it the week before and go to counseling with their spouses. He said that you had found out also. He was waiting for the ďright timeĒ after things settled down with the babies, to tell me the truth and suggest we go to counseling. There werenít any calls after June 13, so I had no proof that he was lying. I told him at that point that there was NO WAY they hadnít slept together like he had previously told me, and he confessed that they finally did the evening of June 1 when you were out of town, or so I was told. I donít know how many times it happened, but it didnít matter to me at that point either. Honestly, based on one of the emails I found in February, I find it hard to believe that they hadnít been sleeping together back then, but I have no proof of that. Just my gut feelings. So that was my ďd-dayĒ so to speak. Ever since then, weíve been going to a marriage group together and really trying to work on things. I tried to put everything out of my mind, and thinking that you found out in June, I let it go again. I shouldnít have. I have regretted not telling you in February ever since I found out in June that it had continued. Maybe if I had, it would have stopped sooner. If I believe ___ and they didnít sleep together before June, maybe they never would have if I had contacted you in February. I am so very sorry for that. In June, I honestly believed that you already knew, so I didnít bother making contact then either. Again I should have. It wasnít until last week, reading your messages, that I found out that I was lied to again. You emailed me in JULY. You said that ____ was still calling ____ in July, but I had been told it was over in June. There were no calls on his phone, so he must have found another way. I didnít know. I confronted him about that, but he said that so many months later, he doesnít remember when he stopped talking to her completely, but itís over now. I believe this is the 4th time Iíve been told itís over FOR REAL this time. I also had no idea that you had called him. He claims he told me. Um, I think I would remember that. But the bottom line of my very long email is that I am so very sorry I didnít tell you sooner. I donít know how you finally found out or what you even know, but it should have come from me. When I finally saw your emails last week, I was so stunned. I am FAR from over this affair. Some days I think it will be alright and I can learn to move past it, other days I just donít know. Apparently thatís normal and it could be years before Iím finally at a place where I can think of this without feeling like my heart stops. But if you are in a better place in your life, Iím so happy for you. No one deserves to be betrayed in this way. I just wanted you to know that I regret not telling you, and if you ever think of anything you need from me, please let me know. If you have already moved past this and this email brings you more pain, Iím terribly sorry for that. I just couldnít live with myself any longer not saying it.

2/1/13 - 1st Dday - WH claims it is only an EA with coworker and it will end
6/19/13 - It never ended, it turned into a PA, but NOW it's really over.....he says
Married 7 years, together 11 years
3 children - 4 years, and 13 month old twins

Posts: 23 | Registered: Oct 2013
♀ 38089
Member # 38089
Default  Posted: 3:41 PM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would contact him. I did and we compared the stories/truths that we received, and it helped keep the A from continuing, and helped get our WS out of Fog.

Good luck. I know how stressful and crazy it can having twins, and at the same time having a husband that cheated with a coworker.

PM me anytime.

OW - (former co worker of WH)
Dday: Dec 2012

Posts: 608 | Registered: Jan 2013
♂ 40966
Member # 40966
Default  Posted: 10:11 PM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I say tell the other persons partner. It's different of the other woman has no clue about u but if they do know- then all gloves are off. I say don't be a push over- call her husband and let him know. He has a right to know.

Posts: 146 | Registered: Oct 2013
♂ 40873
Member # 40873
Default  Posted: 10:20 PM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am struggling with the same issue, and its a tough one. I don't want to cause pain to an "innocent" woman whose husband got involved with my wife. My inclination is to tell her so that it keeps him in line AND it gives them a chance to work on their marriage. He claims they have an "open" marriage but I am doubtful.

Posts: 8 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Oregon
♀ 37439
Member # 37439
Default  Posted: 10:41 PM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I. Think the message is over explaining.

Explain the message went to the other inbox
Mention you had a difficult pregnancy and you were informed to avoid stress and a brief bullet point outline.
State what you know in bullet points in terms of how far it went nada rough outline if you have it

Give him your phone number if he wants to contact you or he is more than welcome to contact you by ____
Explai. You would like to share any more information and you feel that it would be a good idea to have both pair of eyes on them. Say something about not informing eachothers spouses about the contact

Don't tell your wayward

OW1 inadvertently let me know WH loves English breakfast tea. Never ever saw him drink it. And I never will.

Posts: 818 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Australia
♀ 38121
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 8:50 AM, October 19th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hurt, I simply couldn't read your proposed message to him as it's a huge wall of text and I couldn't navigate through it.

If you're going to send it to her husband, please be sure to break it up into paragraphs or he may not be able to navigate through it, either. Most men hating reading greeting cards, so this would be way too much for him to try to read in it's current state.

I'm with Lauren23 - condense this message down to a couple of paragraphs and make it more succinct with only the facts.

Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 6327 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
Topic Posts: 14

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