SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

Spelljean posted 10/18/2013 02:43 AM

WH used to look at it daily, even for a minute or two if he was busy. (Found that out after dday)

Sign of sexual addiction? Or is this pretty common?

I have no clue. Was out of the scene for 17 years.

blakesteele posted 10/18/2013 06:19 AM

Hard to say. SA is quickly thought of but is more to it then just viewing porn.

I was a regular user of porn pre-A...had been since high school. I thought it was normal, thought it was harmless.

While it is natural for men to be stimulated visually, porn is not normal nor is it harmless.

Every Mans Battle was a book that changed my life.

To save a long passionate post I will just say this.

Since being porn-free my life is refreshing, freeing, more peaceful. I first started with 30 days of no porn. It was hard, I had urges...questioned if this is even a problem...every man does it. After 30 days it was like a fog lifted....life was more clear.

It is common....but so is adultery (30% of all marriages experience it on the low end, some studies say as high as 80%). So something that is common can still be harmful.

Porn is harmful.

I have had to tell friends to stop sending me emails of this nature...it is so common I have professional level managers who had sent me pornographic images via work emails. They have respected my request for them to stop...but it is very common.

I cry almost daily since my DD. My wifes A is a lot of that pain, but my prior use of porn also is a source of tears. It was harmful and I was the one causing the harm....harming myself and others around me.

God be with us all.

hitbyatruck posted 10/18/2013 06:42 AM

Ok... so is there any level of viewing porn that is considered harmless? Or does it just depend on the individual or what the spouse is comfortable with?

Is there some sort of guide when it comes down to how frequently it is viewed as to when it becomes a problem.

Once a week=ok
three times a week=slippery slope
everyday=major problem

I have recently discovered that H is viewing porn. It is hard at this point to figure out how much. I am working on finding that out before I confront.

I don't want him to try and give some bullshit story about pop-ups or something causing that to be in his history.

struggling16 posted 10/18/2013 07:35 AM

This is so individual.

In our case, my WH was definitely addicted. He spent all night and most of the days (while I worked) looking at porn. I would come home from work and he wouldn't even be dressed yet. Then he would do one thing to contribute (like shopping or cooking dinner) and consider it even. We rarely had sex because he was masturbating with cialis in the shower (I didn't know this) and I was very frustrated. I didn't handle it well-after I realized that I was just a "release" I started compartmentalizing. I probably was doing the 180 in many ways prior to Dday in order to cope with the dysfunctionality. Since Dday, he hasn't looked at porn at all. He knows it was the gateway to the A (he felt entitled to living porn) and that the M is over if the addictive behavior starts again.

TrustGone posted 10/18/2013 08:53 AM

I know my WH#2 does not watch it everyday, but he has pictures he took out of a porn magazine on his phone. He also stays up late at night watching it and masterbates to it.

Before DDay#1, I didn't have a problem with porn as we sometimes watched it together and I would laugh about how stupid and unrealistic it was that men would think that all that was normal. Now it has become a major issues between us and has caused numerous arguements. I think mainly because his IC (he saw 3 times) said he had SA tendencies and I don't think the porn helps that at all. Also the fact that he masterbates to it when I am available. Since his A he refuses to watch it with me and will turn it off if I walk into the room. I recently found 100's of porn shows he recorded off of the TV and had to spend hours deleteing them, which did not make me a happy camper.

WH#2 seems to think that porn is harmless and that all men do it. He thinks I am making way too much of it and that I knew he watched porn when we met and before we married, so what is my problem now?? I have told him that it reminds me of what he was doing with OW and that it is not harmless to some people. That I am 50yrs old and there is no way I can look like those women on the porn movies and it lowers my self-esteem when he would rather masterbate to them, than make love to me. Like everything else, I might as well talk to a brick wall.

Lovedyoumore posted 10/18/2013 10:21 AM

One of my H's issues relates to seeing his dads porn movies(old reel movies in the 60's). He said the images constantly invaded his mind from age 10 through adulthood and created a very altered, unhealthy view of sex and intimacy. He completely severed the two and it has affected our marriage.

The moral issue has been beaten to death. I think the biggest issue is what does it do to you and your relationship? Personally, after seeing what just fleeting moments did to my H, it should be considered the lower bowel of the sexual experience.

Drowninginitall posted 10/18/2013 10:38 AM

I often think this is very individual. My husband does watch porn however it doesn't bother me and we sometimes watch together.
A Matter of SA is a completely different story in my opinion.

Skan posted 10/18/2013 12:27 PM

This is something that I am trying to figure out as well (and Blakesteele, I just ordered that book).

I knew that my FWH looked at Playboys and other images for some time. And it really didn't bother me. I looked with him in magazines as well, and we would explore what he found appealing, what I found appealing, etc. It was actually enjoyable.

Then he disappeared down the slippery slope and started to hide the fact that he was looking for more. That he was looking at images that went from "pinup" to raunchy to degrading. He pulled away from me, then started with cam girls, pay me to touch myself girls, and started to correspond with "I live in another country and would love to be your GF" girls. And then ultimately started looking actively for someone to screw, joined sites, and ultimately did find someone to screw. As well as having an EA with at least one stripper.

We just had a very long talk two night ago about this, because he says he can't understand why something that used to be OK between us is now off limits and triggers the hell out of me. I told him that it wasn't the photos, the image per se.

It was the fact that any time he brought in a real-live woman into a relationship that we had vowed to be exclusive to us, he committed adultery.

Touching himself while talking to another woman adultery. Touching himself while watching another woman touch herself, or tell him what she wanted to do to him adultery. Watching a video of sexual acts adultery. Having another woman grind down upon him or touch him adultery. Anything that he did, that he would not do in front of me adultery.

I sincerely hope that this got through to him. I don't want to choke off his sexuality or sensuality they are parts of him that I treasure. But I don't intend to share any of that with anyone else, no matter how removed, ever. We're due to talk about this again tomorrow.

blakesteele posted 10/18/2013 12:54 PM

My experience with porn in my marriage changed. My wife did watch it with me, was fine with it....and that is where I thought she was at pre-A.

Since my DD I am now aware at how the use of porn started to hurt her over time. I honestly think it hurt her from the beginning...she was just unaware of it. It honestly hurt me since puberty...I was not aware of it.

I can respect differences of opinion on porn....but I convinced that it is all bad for me personally, and for my M.

I am so sorry for my slow to acknowledge this fact. I am grateful I DID acknowledge it and can experience (and am experiencing) the freedom from the bondage I was unknowingly under.

That book changed my life. Of course, like all internal change, I was actively seeking it when I read it.

I pray all husbands whose wives are hurt by porn will step up and intentionally choose their wives over porn. In my case, my lack of intentionality combined with a mans natural draw to visual stimulation led me to hurt myself and others. The hurt is real...regardless if I intended it or not.

God help us all.

LeopoldB posted 10/18/2013 16:07 PM

Good porn is great. I watch it every few days for about 15 minutes or as long as it takes.

Candy Crush is addictive and destroys families.