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I am posting today because honestly I feel like I don't have anyone else to "talk" to. My WH and I are in what appears to everyone to be R, but we are 5 months post DDay and I am more RESIGNED than anything else. Resigned to having the C version of my life instead of the A one that I always envisioned. I am estranged with my siblings right now as I have started to refuse to be walked on by anyone - including them. I thought I could suck it up and handle thanksgiving for my elderly mom but my brother's wife is taking control of the whole day and I want to puke so I will likely not partake.

I have been more and more aware lately that I will NEVER be a parent - that I am basically a nanny to my stepkids. I feel like WH doesn't love me enough to have kids with me but he is fine letting me take care of his kids. And I have to spend the whole weekend doing the "family weekend" thing at my stepdaughters college. What a joke.

Oh, and for the past 2 weeks I have been back and forth to different MDs because I have had some mystery bleeding. FML.

And I am too too too tired to try to change anything. So, yeah, we are reconciling out of laziness.

I'm sorry

I could have almost wrote this post, with the exception of the step children (I had two in my past relationship, and I gave everything for them, but he never saw any of it). It's so hard to not have someone to share these things with.Keep posting here! That's what keeps me sane.

Have you thought about giving yourself a holiday from it all? Take the Thanksgiving holiday and go somewhere alone? You need a break, and he needs to see what he's losing. In a sense, it's doing the 180. I took a four day trip, after I left my XH. He had come back for a visit to see the five kids. I decided to give him the house for four days, and let him be their dad. I traveled by car to a few different states, saw a friend, and just relaxed. I became even more happy to be alone with myself. I LOVED IT!!! At the same time, I took away his ability to influence my days while he was there. I removed myself.

It sounds like you're a strong woman, and that's something to be proud of!

TrulySad - thank you. I have taken time for myself over the last 5 months. In fact I actually spent probably 10x on myself what he spent on the affair - all the time not working. Well, now we are in deep financial shit and I am back to work and things are still TIGHT paying off those splurges.

Plus - part of being resigned is that I don't WANT to see friends, or family, or explain anything to anyone including the kids.

I don't blame you. I'm with you on that one. I don't talk to anyone about what's going on in my current relationship. I find myself just thinking to myself. It's easier this way, and less drama.

And $, yep, I'm no where near as financially set as I was when I took that trip years ago. Today, my idea of splurging is a $5 cup of coffee at the Starbucks, as I run around shopping in the local Target. And I don't even like Starbucks.

I hope you can get some answers about the bleeding. I know for a fact all this crap does a serious number on our bodies. I've never felt so old in my life. It would be nice if we had the energy to actualy feel better.

(((CU)))

I am sorry you feel this way. You may be in "R" but you can always change your mind. Be lazy now, take time for you. Keep getting stronger by not being everyone's doormat, and you can make bigger decisions later.

Maybe after Thanksgiving you can go and visit your mom ALONE. No siblings, no WS, just you and your mom. Enjoy her while you have her, and make it quality time...not time where you have to fake being happy around a bunch of people you don't want to be around.

Also, never say never in having kids. My WH's son was 14 when our daughter was born. Whether you stay or go, you can be a mom anytime you want. Don't ever sacrifice having a child, if that is what you want. Things have a funny way of falling into place. Hang in there.

Stick to your guns, and don't worry about being resigned. You can be anything you want to be during this time. They say it takes 2-5 YEARS to make progress. You're only 5 months out. Cut yourself some slack!!!

Wishing you lots of strength today!!

We all get disillusioned with our lives sometimes, and 5 months out from learning about an affair is surely one of those times! It wouldn't be normal if you were Patty Perky! This is a tough deal.

I do see that you have some negative thinking going on . . I doubt it is that your husband doesn't "love you enough" to have kids with you. Is that what he said?

Stepparenting is so massively hard, so kudos to you.

Try to hang in there, and maybe you two should do something together? Are you going out at all? I'd bust out of those 4 walls and find something fun to do. We exercise, but that is just us. . . try to find some solace where you can.

Hang in there!

[This message edited by bionicgal at 8:28 AM, October 18th (Friday)]

Yeah, I have not exercised all week and I think that is contributing to my mood. I am 43 and WH had a vasectomy. MC tried to bring up the kid issue but WH had such a HORRIBLE experience early on as a father with his shrew of an ex that he is severely traumatized. Bursts into tears. I honestly think that he would have never have had his kids if he had known how it would turn out - though he would never admit that.

Wow - so clearly has nothing to do with his love for you!

Hang in there, and go for a jog!

All of us have felt as you describe, at least I have.

I agree with others, treat yourself to something. If you can't do a holiday, lunch and movie with good friend, or something totally away from the situation. I know you mentioned you don't want to deal with friends, I get that. But maybe a really good friend will help you move through your. Funk as I call it.

It is hard to heal when you are overwhelmed. Recharge yourself.

You can do this!

[This message edited by Gr8Lady at 12:49 PM, October 18th (Friday)]