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Horrible guilt.

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freelancer posted 10/18/2013 07:16 AM

In September, WH started his A back up with OW#1. It was at that point that I decided that it was time to seriously get the ball rolling on D. I also decided it was time to finally tell
My family what was going on. Since it seemed I would be getting D, it made sense to let then know so that I could have some support from them, even if they are 3000 miles away.

My mom took it very hard. She was literally crying as hard as I was when I would talk to her. She was very concerned about me and called me several times a day to check on me and see what was going on. She was still trying to convince me to give R a chance. She hated to think of my family broken.

On September 26, WH came home and begged for one more opportunity to work on our marriage. We let me read all if the communication between him and OW. He went immediately NC and has blocked her from communicating with her. She has in turn contacted me a few times, in what I can guess is her attempt to "rattle my cage". WH immediately found us a new MC, who we like so far.

On October 4, my mom died. She passed away if a heart attack in her sleep. She had seen her doctor the DAY BEFORE and all was well. Perfect in fact. And I am left feeling guilty. I truly believe that knowing what I was dealing with, the heartbreak that I was going through was just too much for her. She couldn't handle it. And I feel so guilty and selfish for telling her. I honestly stupidly thought that dealing with the pain if infidelity was the worst thing I would ever have to deal with. But this crushing guilt, and knowing that she would still be alive if I hadn't been so selfish is eating me alive.

trynhard posted 10/18/2013 07:26 AM

And I am left feeling guilty

This is not your guilt to burden.

I know you feel it.. but that comes with a belief first. You believe by letting her know what was going on in your life.. this perhaps gave her stress, Anxiety or whatever that cause the heart attack.

Believe this because I know this is the truth. This was NOT too much for her to take. Her heart was ready give out no matter what you did or did not do. Doctors don't always see things.

Part of life is death. It is great she took the knowledge of all this with her.. and you might be blessed with good to come, because of it...and she will live on in you forever.. she Obviously cared deeply for you.

I wish you peace.

[This message edited by trynhard at 7:28 AM, October 18th (Friday)]

MovingUpward posted 10/18/2013 07:27 AM

Sorry for the loss of you Mom.

I truly believe that knowing what I was dealing with, the heartbreak that I was going through was just too much for her.

Please mourn for your mom but don't pick up the guilt from what happened. It was a heart attack. Your telling her wasn't the reason. Please find a way to accept that. It also wasn't due to being selfish to tell her. I also don't think that your choice was selfish. Families support each other, and you needed the support. Try to remove this guilt and feeling of selfishness from your mind.

Afraid2LoveAgain posted 10/18/2013 08:16 AM


I am so sorry for the loss of your Mom.

Raven96 posted 10/18/2013 09:03 AM


I am so sorry for the loss of your mom. I second everyone else here that you did NOT cause this. The reason I know this? Because a dear friend of mine died of a heart attack the very night of his afternoon Dr. appt. He, too, got a clean bill of health. Doctors are human. They miss things.

Please don't put anything more on your plate. This isn't your fault at all.

ADelight posted 10/18/2013 10:00 AM

Please do not blame yourself. It is not your fault. And know too that your mother would take comfort in knowing that she was able to be there for you, even for a brief time, when you needed her.

My mom passed away from cancer three weeks after a Dday. During her illness, I know I was often not myself (Dday 1 was 6 months beforehand), but I didn't tell her why. And that has bothered me, thinking that perhaps she went wondering why I was sometimes distant, not in a good mood, etc.

My deepest sympathies for your loss, and especially for having to deal with it and the pain of an A.

loveisareddress posted 10/18/2013 10:00 AM

No mom in her right mind would ever accept anything like that coming from their kids.

She may have been heartbroken about what you're going through, yes, but I believe it would break her heart even more knowing that you are holding yourself responsible for it by sharing with her.

She would have been even more heartbroken if you didn't share with her.

We moms expect to know what's going on with our kids and want to be there for them.

Guilty? Don't even go there. I'm sure mom wouldn't have it for a minute.

(ed for spelling)

[This message edited by loveisareddress at 10:18 AM, October 18th (Friday)]

Drowninginitall posted 10/18/2013 10:26 AM

Freelancer I am so sorry for the loss of your mom. Please don't let this guilt consume you. I am sure she would have wanted nothing more than to have been there for you and support you and just listen to what you were going through.
I sometimes feel guilty for bringing all of my issues on to my mother-in-law who has been wonderful support to me. I know it's causing her pain and struggle in her life, but having someone in real life know what I'm going through has helped me.

Reality posted 10/18/2013 13:16 PM

I'm so sorry, freelancer. NOT your fault. So not your fault.

If there is even such a thing as "blame" for such a terrible thing, that any part of what happened with her wasn't just an unfortunate coincidence of timing - and I know this may sound harsh - but I'm fairly sure your WH would carry another layer of guilt. One of the parts of facing up to the consequences of infidelity is recognizing just how many people were betrayed by that choice.

Primarily, it's you that suffered, but everyone that was emotionally invested in you or your WH is going to have emotional pain, too.

I would much rather know what was going on in my childrens' lives, both pain and happiness, and experience it together, than to not understand their lives. Don't regret sharing your life with your mom.

nowiknow23 posted 10/18/2013 13:29 PM

I'm so sorry for your loss, freelancer. ((((hugs))))

Please don't blame yourself. Hearts fail. With no warning. They just do. Your news didn't kill her, honey, as hard as that may be for you to believe right now.

Sending you peace and comfort.

tushnurse posted 10/18/2013 13:33 PM


Please do not bear this burden one second longer. This was not because of you, this was not due to the stress of your M.

Simply put it was her time. And even though the pain is immense now, please consider how wonderful for her to have lived a life full of love for her children, family, and friends, and then to simply go to bed, and never wake up. She didn't get sick and suffer for months or years. She simply was taken. How lucky for her. Please find peace in that.

I want you to also consider that even though your mother didn't want to see your family broken, she certainly wouldn't want her daughter to live the rest of her life in pain, and unhappy, being disrespected, and not given the support she should have from her partner.

All moms want the same things for their kids. For them to happy. So give this R a go, but if your H isn't doing the work, then it's ok for you to move toward D.

You should consider some grief counseling and IC for you.

I am so sorry for your loss in such strenuous time.

((((and strength and peace))))

DefeatedDad posted 10/18/2013 13:36 PM

Do not blame yourself. Your mother passed because it was her time to do so. The timing was a coincidence, nothing more.

BeautifulEmpty posted 10/18/2013 14:12 PM

Exactly what loveisareddress said.

Are you a mom yourself? Put it into perspective. If your child was suffering a pain so great that she was very literally traumatized, wouldn't you desperately want to be there for her in any way you could? Wouldn't your heart break to find out that your baby hadn't told you something that important?
You birthed her...surely you should hold her hand through this. Surely you should comfort the very heart YOU created!
I'm not saying that every BS should run right out and tell mommy by the way...that is a very individual choice BUT this is how most mothers feel anyways so IF you did choose to tell your mama, know that it's very likely she wouldn't have had it any other way...unless she could have gone back in time and prevented the affair from happening in the first place. Mothers are superheroes but to date, haven't figured out how to time travel to save their chicks.
Your mother didn't die because this was too much. Your mother was stronge. But as a mother myself and hearing how you describe your moms attempts to check on you and love you through this pain I can say pretty confidently that she would have willingly given her heart if she thought it would spare you pain.
Be in awe of her love, be endlessly thankful...but do not be guilty.
She wouldn't have stood for that even a second.

Elphaba posted 10/18/2013 14:14 PM

Just wanted to say I am SO sorry for the loss of your mom- huge {{{{HUGS}}}} to you and your family.

maddmurph posted 10/18/2013 14:20 PM

When I was sixteen, my mom had a pulmonary embolism. I heard her calling for help but didn't realize what it was. Finally told my dad and he was able to get her help. It was maybe two minutes. They rushed her to the hospital and did everything could but didn't have enough time. I wonder what would have happened if I had reacted faster. I understand carrying guilt. What you have to have know is that it's not your fault, just like it's not my fault. If you aren't seeing a counselor, get to one. With everything else you need someone to talk through everything with.

jo2love posted 10/18/2013 16:30 PM


I'm so sorry for your loss.

sisoon posted 10/18/2013 16:32 PM

I'm so sorry for your loss, especially at this time.

momentintime posted 10/18/2013 16:52 PM

Look at this another way.

You gave your mother a chance to be there for you in your time of need. She felt needed by you and stepped up because she was your mom and loved you. You didn't close her out, you let her aid you.

I am so sorry for you loss, but you should not feel guilt. If you are a mom you know you are always looking out for your kiddos, no matter if they are 8 or 58. You gave her the gift of being there for you, a gift of feeling needed, a gift of your trust and respect. Please take this to heart.

Also you know she isn't gone as long as she is in your heart. Talk out loud to her. She will hear you and will still be with you.

StillStanding1 posted 10/18/2013 16:58 PM


I am so very sorry for your loss. How terrible to face this on top of all the other emotional trauma.

Everything I wanted to say has already been said, but please KNOW that this is not your fault in any way.

You know your mom loved you and would have done anything to take away your pain, if she could. She would never rest peacefully, knowing that you are carrying guilt over something you had no control over. For both of your sakes, grieve your loss but let go of the guilt. Your mother would never want you to bear that misery too.

Wishing you and your family peace and strength.

HardenMyHeart posted 10/18/2013 17:23 PM

(((freelancer))) So sorry for the pain you are going through.

My take on this is similar to others...I think your Mother would have been pleased that you felt close enough to share even your most painful problems.

I can never share my problems with my Mother as you did with yours. My Mother was abusive to me growing up and, as a result, there is no bond or closeness between us. What you had with your Mother is priceless and something to be remembered and forever treasured.

No one can predict when someone will die. With each new day there comes endless possibilities. A few years ago, I had a close friend that died of a heart attack just a couple days after seeing his cardiologist. My friend was an endurance athlete, in excellent shape and only 50 years old. He did not drink or smoke. It was just his time and I miss him dearly.

There is nothing you did to feel guilty for. Sometimes people just pass away and there is nothing any of us can do to prevent that.

[This message edited by HardenMyHeart at 5:25 PM, October 18th (Friday)]

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