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1bigidiot79 posted 10/18/2013 08:53 AM

Sorry, this is my third thread in the past two days. If you have read my other threads you know that my BW regressed this week due to my stupidity over the weekend.

Anyway, because of this she is really wanting her space right now which I am trying to grant. However, she sent me several texts yesterday stating how miserable she is and how she doesn't want to even look at me much less be around me.

My question revolves around what has happened the past two nights. She had dinner with a work friend Wednesday night but then didn't get home until 11:15. Dinner was at 6:00. Then last night I get home and she says she is going out to eat at 7:00 and she got home at midnight. She has a really close female friend and I know that is probably where she went after dinner both nights. Am I justified in being a little upset at this? She doesn't tell me anything regarding where she went and she gave me no notice of when she would be home either night. It was only through my texting her to make sure she was OK that I knew anything. When I asked her where she had been last night she said "what difference does it make" and would not tell me.

I know she is mad at me but I am genuinely worried about her. I'm trying to just drop it but it really bugs me. What do you think? Do I have a right to question her or should I just drop it since I'm the whole reason she doesn't want to be home in the first place?

Ashland13 posted 10/18/2013 08:58 AM

BS here.

My gut reaction to your note is that she's on the defensive.

Don't know if I'd push, at this point.

If it were me, I'd let a little time go by and then see if you could talk with her maybe in a general way.

If you push to hard, it could backfire.

It sounds like you're in a tricky spot.

OldCow18 posted 10/18/2013 09:00 AM

BW here. I know I've been guilty of doing similar. For me, I'd stay out later or not return texts quickly, etc. to make him sweat, make him worry, make him wonder. For me it's a form of immature punishment I suppose. Not sure if it's the same for your BW, just offering my experience.

It was also a test for WH, would he care? Would he text me, how long would it take before he showed concern, etc.

Card posted 10/18/2013 09:17 AM

When I asked her where she had been last night she said "what difference does it make" and would not tell me.

It makes a big difference!

The foundation for reconciliation is 'Openness & Honesty' with one another.

I had a similar situation and explained to my wife that although I had my head up my ass for 9 months, my head is out now. I went on to explain that I really do want to provide care and protection, as well as having care and protection provided toward me. I expressed knowing how hard it was for each of us, but emphasized that without honesty our marriage wouldn't survive this. I also told her after the fog had lifted, that I'm now jealous too.

Honesty! Openness!

Josephine01 posted 10/18/2013 09:46 AM

Honesty and openness is what this is all about though. Even though you were trying to do a good thing 79, all your BS is seeing is that you lied and yes a fog may have raised in her mind as well.

In all honesty, I am not saying this to hurt you, but when she says "what difference does it make [?]" it sounds as though she has given up.

I remember when my H kept from me that his brother was very sick because his brother asked him too, but told his daughter and probably his best friend, even though I understand why the secret was kept. The lie is yet another cloud in our marriage. It is almost a deal breaker. If he is still keeping things from me, how can I ever look him in the eyes and know if the truth is being said. Again, this is not to hurt you, but to try and make you understand how any fib at this point can be critical.

I am sure you tried to explain. Perhaps. . . even though men are not usually letter writers, you could buy her a card and flowers along with a sincere note. Then let it be for a while. She is afraid right now.

Good Luck

Josephine01 posted 10/18/2013 09:53 AM

By the way, I just wanted to add that I am not condoning her non communication with you. Once the air is clear this should be addressed so neither of you go through this again. :)

1bigidiot79 posted 10/18/2013 10:10 AM

Josephine, I took your advice before I even read it :)

I just finished sending her a message detailing how after thinking about it I realize how hurtful even a "good" fib, one that had good intentions could be to her right now. I hope it helps because what I did was truly out of ignorance and I do understand now how it affected her and told her it would not happen again.

As far as her being secretive with me, I've decided I'm not going to worry myself with it at this point. I can only control my own actions and that is what I am going to do. I don't want to push her farther away, even though I think what she is doing is wrong. Ugh, what a freaking mess I've made.

Josephine01 posted 10/18/2013 11:28 AM

Hope things get better for the two of you.

breakingpoint posted 10/18/2013 19:12 PM

It sounds like she in angry and giving you a taste of your own medicine. A taste of not knowing and feeling insecure.

But maybe we all deserve a taste of that from time to time?

JustWow posted 10/18/2013 21:35 PM

BW here. We did R the long, hard stupid way. TT, the timeline that took 2x longer to materialize than the actual A itself, blah, blah. Suffice it to say, it wasn't pretty and we're not likely to be hosting any R seminars.

During all that, the more it went that way, the less my H was all in, the less I was. I did some of the things you're saying your W is doing. I don't think it was vindictive or punitive, well, at least that was not my intention. But hey, H brought this poopstorm into our M to rain all over me. I was chrystal clear about what it would take to R and to BEGIN to rebuild trust and a M I was willing to try to be a part of.

If H was not interested in what I had to offer, which he clearly indicated he wasn't by his actions (remember words mean precious little at this stage), then we didn't have anything that created any obligations or considerations on my part either.

I don't know how your W feels, but when I told my H what I needed to TRY to R, I was pretty clear that I was not promising that I knew that transparency, honesty, remorse, etc. would cure anything, fix anything or produce a healthy M. Those things were required for me to be willing to try. When his actions did not match his words... AGAIN... I detached, from him and the M.

I'm guessing (and hoping) she's being slf protective rather than vindictive.

Consistant actions, repeated ad nauseum, will BEGIN to build trust. Breaking promises, lying, tc. - actually put me back even worse than dday. It seemed that even knowing how badly he hurt me and how much was at stake, to choose to lie in R seemed somehow worse than lying during the A. The whole lie of the A is there as the headstone for my trust, to lie even more after really digs the hole deeper.

Do you and her a favor, don't do it. And maybe express to her that you understand why she is saying it doesn't matter, you just might feel the same way if you were in her shoes.

emotionalgirl posted 10/20/2013 12:26 PM

BW WH actions have always been self centred and he would do just what your BW is doing now. For awhile I did this just so he could get a taste of his own medicine.

I know not very mature of me, but some days with all that is going on and having to deal with his EA I just feel the need to give a bit back, minus the actual A!

She also might be using the 180 to give herself some distance emotionally and mentally so that if your M dissolves she is strong enough to face it all. Especially with your weekend issues she might be feeling very insecure about the chances of the M surviving.

My advice for what it is worth. Don't push, just be there and remember actions speak louder than words. So make sure she always knows where you are when you will be home. Do things around the house and for her and show your unconditional support and love. No secrets on your part at need to be an open book!

Card posted 10/20/2013 12:41 PM

I doesn't matter which spouse you are, BS or WS....

Both deserve Honesty from the other.

Either one keeping secrets from the other is in a vulnerable position that leads to a secret separate life.

Unless the BS is done and intends to divorce, transparency should be expected.

The idea that we should allow our spouse to be entitled to secrets is ridiculous. That does nothing for recovery and really just fuels more resentments and entitlement from both.
Not to mention setting the stage for RA's....

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