Showmetheway… I have read much about this and also been in therapy. I will share what I have learned am some thoughts. I come from this in more of a man's perspective.
Yes, your feelings are the normal for someone who was cheated on by her man and still not yet at a good peace and happiness. Just because your feelings are normal for a woman with your past, does not mean it is “right.” I know this is not normal for the happiest marriage couples. The sign.. you know it.
You are right to believe this is a sign to end your marriage. It is a sign. Or you can look at this as a sign to get a therapist who can help you get to a different place in your marriage. I read something like only 33% of all marriages are most happy. And sex is a key in that 33%. It is now your choice to decide if you want to stay in the place you are at or change it.
Infidelity is a sex killer. This goes back to the beginning of written time and is nothing new. It is a ten commandment for a reason wise men already figured out.
My bet is deep inside you have a most powerful sexuality to be released. You are a young woman and it is not gone. Oh yes, you would feel far different if the right man came into your life and brought that out. Oh yeh, you would likely be very sexual in the beginning of a new relationship what is called the romance phase. You make a choice to end your M, and you do things to make yourself available, you will have those feelings again.
I know this.. You are in a most difficult problem.
I have found not many men know how to bring his woman’s sexuality out after the romance phase ends in the relationship. It takes a special man after infidelity to understand and execute all the things he needs to be doing to get you back to the feelings you sound like you miss and want. And many men I know who now, “know” what to do after they hurt someone this bad, are still unable to bring it out of his woman.
It depends on if that woman has disqualified her man in her mind unwilling, hurt so bad, unable to forgive.. and certain personality… It will not matter what he “does”.. his woman makes the choice to stay closed down. A woman who disqualified her man will keep him around for reasons... it seems mostly for security. Perhaps you are not this woman? Perhaps you want those feeling for the happiest relationship. Perhaps in the deepest part of your being.. Your H is now disqualified. And this is about you right?
I am pretty certain your H does not understand nor doing the things he really needs to be doing to bring your sexuality out. If he did know how to do this, you would not be feeing the things you feel.
Since your H did not leave you, this means he makes the choice to stay with you. He is still very attracted to you. It might be for promise made, to God, to you, your family, it might be for kids, security and it might be all the behaviors you do that are just enough to be attractive. All very valid attractions to stay married. But don’t you want real intimacy?
Your problem is this is his choice, his ignorance, his unknowing, not yours. You can only control the things you do.
I do believe you have the ability to lead him. If you really want the most happy M, You need to make this about YOU and not your H. You cannot fix your H, he must want to fix himself. And perhaps the things he has done so far are things he felt he needed to do to fix himself. Just making the choice to stop a sin is only a start. And to think a one hour a week IC or so is the fix might not be the fix.
First, you must know yourself what he needs to give you, in order for him to execute. It will take great strength by you. This is where a good therapist can help you. A therapist can help you change the current behaviors you have so you will lead your H into choices he will make on his own, so he will change his own behavior and be “that attractive”… so you then desire the most personal precious gifts with each other .. sex.
He may not want to change. Humans tend to stay in comfort, the same ole, repetition.. no change..
What you can control is you. You can make this about you. In fact, I will tell you if you want a healthy sex life, an intimate M (not just maintenance sex), then you must make this about you. Stop all thinking about fixing your H and fix you. It will be an attitude change by you which I think I read that quality in your post and willingness. You seem to have a strength about you.
Fixing you might bring some discomfort. It may take months. You need courage.. I think if you start searching in this direction a peace will come.
Menopausal? I do not doubt this might be chemical too. Yes, I know sex is chemical and I am weak understanding this part..
I am far better an understanding what a man must do.. A good man I know showed me this site for woman. It might be more about picking the right man but worth a look. Perhaps you start here.. http://www.thefemininewoman.com/
Peace be with you and all the fine woman here..
[This message edited by trynhard at 6:23 AM, October 19th (Saturday)]