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Is this the "roller coaster"?

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Hurtandhealer posted 10/18/2013 09:47 AM

I found out in February when I was 5 months pregnant with twins that my husband was "talking to" another woman. He claimed they had only kissed and that he would stop. Long story short, I ended up finding more evidence throughout the month of February, but he kept promising it was nothing and it was over. Basically he just got more clever in hiding it. Finally on 6/19, I discovered that not only was it still going on, it had turned into a full affair. That was 4 months ago tomorrow. It is definitely over now, he doesn't even work at the company anymore, but every now and then, things will "trigger" the memories of it. When that happens, I completely understand why I go into a little depression spell. But within the last month, nothing at all seems to trigger the memory. I go to sleep thinking about it, I wake up thinking about it. Sometimes I want to work it out with him, sometimes I really just hate him and want him to leave, without actually leaving. I can say with 100% certainty that he is giving it his all to not only make up for what he did, but also improve our marriage and communication, but now I feel like it's me that is ruining our relationship because of these awful mood swings. He does nothing (new) to cause it, I just hate him some days. It has been 4 months since "d day" and even though some new information has trickled out since then, should I still be this uncertain so many months later? Will it EVER stop?

OldCow18 posted 10/18/2013 09:56 AM

I'm just over 4 months in and I feel the same. Roll the dice to see what mood I'm in at any given hour, forget a full day. I can be up and down several times each day. It sucks and I know this rollercoaster I am on doesn't help the situation at all, but I think we have to go through it and they have to understand and I'm hoping beyond hope that the verterans here are right, it will get better. The last 4+ months feels like years to me, and hearing that I'm still a newbie is a tough pill to swallow.

Hurtandhealer posted 10/18/2013 10:17 AM

I think one of the hardest parts is knowing that all this was occurring while I was pregnant/when our twins were born. It was a very difficult pregnancy and birth, followed by a day of me being in and out of consciousness and receiving blood transfusions, and then a week in the hospital where I could barely raise my arms, let alone care for the boys. He was AMAZING. The nurses kept commenting how fortunate I was to have a man who was so loving and considerate. He really stepped up and was there every step of the way and cared for me and the boys. Or so I thought. I found out only a month later that not only had he still been having an affair, he actually called her during my labor on his "smoke breaks" and the day after the birth when I was in bad shape, he called her 17 times! How do you hold my hand and tell me how much you love me and how strong I am and then go outside and betray me in the worst possible way?! He's DESTROYED any good memories I would have had of the birth of my sons. Even now when I'm in one of my down moods, when he goes to hold one of the boys or play with them, I want to scream "DON'T TOUCH MY BABIES YOU PIECE OF SHIT! YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO BE NEAR THEM!" How am I going to celebrate their birthday every year without being reminded of the terrible events that occurred at the same time?

Drowninginitall posted 10/18/2013 13:16 PM

Hugs. I really don't know the answers. I am hurt and angry for you. My WH 1st EA was when I was struggling at home with 18mo old twins. I didn't have much help and he worked crazy hours. I do not even remember how I was present for my daughters then and how I carried on. I still feel anger when thinking about how when he had unexpected time off he was hanging around his business with "friends" instead of coming home to me and his long awaited babies.
Today we are at EA #2 and I am triggered all the time. We are not in counseling yet, but I also feel that my anger, rage, sorrow and hurt are causing horrible mood swings in me too and my H doesn't know what is up. He is being affected by my moods, and while I don't care much about his feelings right now, I'm wondering if it will send him over the edge...not fearing he leaves as much as leaves / goes to someone else because I can't start the process to fix MYSELF. Hugs girl.

Bikingguy posted 10/18/2013 14:50 PM

I think what gets left out when you read "it's a roller coaster" is that it is also in the dark!

My point is there have been several bad and good days with no explanation. Sure some days I can put a finger on it and realize why my mood is such. But I almost feel like it is a roll of the dice.

Day by day!

TheAmazingWondertwin posted 10/18/2013 15:57 PM

I have often used roller coaster to describe events or emotions prior to the A.
Never did I truly realize what it meant until these past three months.
I almost hate the happy feelings because I am waiting for the crash. I'm working on it and its getting easier, but it is a scary scary feeling.
We are takin the kids to an amusement park tomorrow and I am just wondering if I will even be able to get on the rides I used to love so much. They are so symbolic now.
I am prepping myself for an afternoon of trigger control- just because I will literally be on an actual roller coaster.

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