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Gumdropped posted 10/18/2013 09:55 AM

Anyone experience this? We were together since Dec 2011. Moved in together Oct 2012. DDay May 11th 2013. Had an ongoing EA with at least two women on line. One more intense than the other. The whole time we were a couple he was a perfect partner! Very loving. Lots of texts thru the day. Lots of sex. Flowers every week. Did everything for me with total devotion. And carried on this shit behind my back. We are in R now and he is still the same attentive loving guy he always was. So how do I tell that he's changed??? Grrrrrrrr! Again as I have said on other forums .....the stuff that my nightmares are made of :(

Tred posted 10/18/2013 10:04 AM

Perfect partners don't come with a disclaimer. How do you know that all the attention he was giving you was to keep you blind to his real self?

NeverAgain2013 posted 10/18/2013 10:05 AM

Honestly, no I haven't ever experienced this particular situation. In a relationship this new (under 2 years), I'd probably leave since I didn't have years invested in him or years of financial entanglements. I'm kind of shocked to see he's 59 and acting like this.

So what's he doing to 'fix' what's wrong with him? That's great that you're reconciling, but what's he DOING to ensure that he won't do this again behind your back?

Drowninginitall posted 10/18/2013 10:24 AM

Yes and someways my husband is the perfect partner. He's a great supporter of our family, spend time with the kids when he's off from work, great sex life with me.
However he has continued to let other people in our marriage by carrying on emotionally with them. I do not know how has the time and energy to put in to keeping two separate lives sometimes. It's kind of selfish if you ask me.

Gumdropped posted 10/18/2013 14:27 PM

Tred and Neveragain. Very good points. It seems from his family and friends etc he has always been a great guy. Giver. Nurturer etc. yes he probably is hiding his real self. Other than continuing to be all of those things he isn't doing anything but NC with anyone. Went cold turkey as it were. Still my doubts are fresh after 5 months. Sigh.....

Lonelygirl10 posted 10/18/2013 14:34 PM

Yup, that was my situation too. Perfect guy, very attentive. Said all the right things. Thought watching porn was wrong, didn't believe in opposite sex friends. Flowers once a month. Did the dishes and helped me clean, without me asking him too. Kept me notified of where he was at all times. Very loving.

Then Dday happened, and he confessed. I had no clue. Now I think it's harder for me to regain that trust because I saw him as perfect before Dday. So even when he's perfect now, I know that it's very possible for him to be perfect and also be lying to me.

Trying2013 posted 10/18/2013 14:37 PM

It sounds similar to my situation. My boyfriend was perfect, but I always knew that he had inner struggles. He didn't seem himself as amazing as I saw him. He was and still is a wonderful guy and that is why I am so willing to try to work through this. Our day to day relationship was the best thing I could ever ask for, but we never really let each other in, behind the walls. I kept things from my past from him, as he did me. Not out of shame or anything, but out of the pain they caused us. Whatever he had gone through, he let me know it was bad, but never really told me what went on. But it had really soured his self worth. I knew that much and it killed me to know he felt that way.
We've talked a bit about why he strayed and it comes down to that he never thought he deserved to be with me. He was always ready for it to come tumbling down. On top of that, he was hearing nice things from another woman. It gave him a boost. Even though I tell him things all the time, he had a hard time taking them in because it always thought I was too good for him, so they couldn't be true.
We are working on not only our communication so that we can talk through it when he feels down, but also working on getting him to realize how good he actually is and that he deserves any relationship that he truly wants.
It's a really hard thing to deal with and it's hard going home every day know that the perfect relationship you had last week isn't there this week, but I just keep telling myself that, with as good as it was before, with the right work and communication, it can be even better. For me, that's mind blowing if it happens!

NeverAgain2013 posted 10/18/2013 14:39 PM

Aww Gum, I feel so bad that this had to go so very wrong for you.

The ugly truth is that he stopped cold because the alternative was losing you. But he always knew that was the risk when he was doing it, yet he chose to take the risk.

So it had to be paying off for him if he was willing, you know what I mean?

He only stopped because he was caught, and that speaks volumes. It's kind of like telling your kid to quit kicking the wall - he does it because he's afraid of the consequences but he didn't stop because he wanted to.

Gumdropped posted 10/18/2013 15:40 PM

Yes Lonelygirl10 that's how I feel. He was perfect before and during and now that we are post EA I find it very hard to not have thoughts about him doing it again because I was so snowed by his great behaviour for so long. That the OW didn't know about me tells me that is is indeed a liar. Which by the way when he was fessing up he actually said to me when I was correcting his lies. "Are you calling me a liar?" Funny, I thought that's what landed us in this mess. His excuse for it not being "wrong" was that they didn't have sex. That would have been easier to get over than the hours and hours of contact and pictures that I have of her that she sent and he kept!

Lonelygirl10 posted 10/18/2013 16:23 PM

I wish I had good advice for you, but I'm struggling to make sense of it all myself. The best thing I can say is trust but verify. My BF was great during the A at keeping me notified of where he was, so it was a shock to realize he was with another woman. After the A, he promised complete transparency and constantly updated me on his location. There was never a moment that I didn't know where he was. And yet, I recently found out that he had drinks with a friend of the A that he had agreed to not see anymore. So even with the transparency and me not trusting him, he was still able to fool me again on where he actually was. So, trust but verify.

Skye posted 10/18/2013 16:57 PM

I don't believe anyone or anything is perfect but my husband was exactly what I wanted and needed for over 35 years and I thought I was the same for him. His actions never said anything else. He was also this way during his affair. I decided his feelings for me meant nothing. He's just basically a nice guy.

His girlfriend probably thought he was a good partner, too! And since he seemed to throw her under the bus, she didn't mean anything either.

Hope2B posted 10/18/2013 17:47 PM

Gosh, NeverAgain, you said it perfectly!

He does it [i.e. *stopped*] because he's afraid of the consequences but he didn't stop because he wanted to.

Pippy posted 10/18/2013 18:14 PM

He was the perfect partner IN YOUR EYES. He has now proven he can't be trusted. It will drive you crazy. Run.

AlexFL posted 10/18/2013 22:09 PM

Men are jerks. Date woman !!!! Men are visual. They are idiots. I am starting to think that no man can be faithful

Gumdropped posted 10/19/2013 10:38 AM

Lonelygirl10 I like that attitude. Trust but verify. In this day of easy access to everything internet/phone it is easier to go deeper underground.

Gumdropped posted 10/22/2013 15:22 PM

And an update. Read an old e mail from May 2012. We were together. He was asking his friend about her friend and said he would call her when he got her number and was excited to meet her. Oh and he put in that he was "available and a good catch " Crap!!!, you would think that I would leave well enough alone and concentrate on now and not what happened then..... Except I always FIND NEW STUFF THAT WENT ON BACK THEN!

SuperDuperWonderboy posted 10/22/2013 16:11 PM

t/j

Men are jerks. Date woman !!!! Men are visual. They are idiots. I am starting to think that no man can be faithful

Not sure how this contributes to anything.

end t/j

Gumdropped. I read your other posts in the I can relate forum to try to get a fuller picture. I don't have much insight to offer as my wife's infidelity didn't start until after 13 years of marriage.

Of course I am not in your shoes, so anything I have to say would be rampant speculation. regardless, I think that seeing this behavior, this early into the relationship would be a huge red flag.

I get where you are coming from. My wife and I had what I considered to be the perfect relationship. Then I find out after 13 years that...well...not so much. Now here I am two years out and once again she seems to be the perfect spouse. It's tough to feel safe now, when I felt so very safe before I found out she was having an affair. How do I know I am not getting fooled again? Easy, I don't. But, I do know that if I am, I will find out at some point, and will be just fine..without her.

That doesn't mean that I just blindly started trusting again. I needed to see (and did see) consistent change and work on her part both in working on her issues and in working on healing the relationship. Had I not seen this effort, I would not have stayed.

Which brings me to my question..what is he showing you to demonstrate that he is worth giving another chance to? What is he doing to show you that he is safe? Thus far, this early in the relationship, he has shown you how very unsafe he is.

Gumdropped posted 10/22/2013 17:50 PM

SuperDuperWonderboy thank you for your post :) Other than being the "perfect attentive loving partner" nothing else. He was all of that and more during the EA's he was having so I have no point of reference to other behaivor. He won't discuss it anymore - has basically given me an ultimatum that if it comes up again that he "can't take anymore of revisiting "his mistake" So... I sit in silence really trying hard to make this R work as I do love him. I can see that he is trying to be the best partner he can be and I think that in his mind that is what he is doing. Today I pretty much hit the wall as it were - to myself - I have written him a letter pointing out my feelings and my hurt but at this point am hesitant to give it to him..... any suggestions? you sound like a solid person to give advice. again thanks.

SuperDuperWonderboy posted 10/22/2013 18:34 PM

As far as being a solid person for advice...not so sure about that one...but I am almost 2 years into R, and have been on these boards for the entire time. The people here have imparted some great wisdom, hopefully I won't muck it up.

He won't discuss it anymore - has basically given me an ultimatum that if it comes up again that he "can't take anymore of revisiting "his mistake" So... I sit in silence really trying hard to make this R work as I do love him.

This is not R. I am sorry that it isn't. It is painful and it sucks, but I have seen remorse and reconciliation and this ain't it.

There is something called Joseph's letter up in the healing library. It's the yellow box on the upper left of this site. there are many articles in this library. I suggest reading them all.

As far as his "mistakes" go. Umm, a mistake is a tyypo. (see what I did there?). A mistake is not lying and deceiving your partner. That is a choice. It is deliberate, it was considered, and he chose to do it. Calling it a mistake is just an attempt to minimize it.

I get the pain of betrayal. On this board, we all do. He does not. He won't, especially if he continues to demand that you shut up about it. A remorseful person who wanted to reconcile would show some amount of empathy. He wants to ignore the pain and pretend that it never happened. Ultimately, this is a no win proposition. If it is ignored, he is doomed to repeat the same actions (not mistakes). If it is ignored, you will never feel safe with him. You won't know the truth, you will never be able to restore the semblance of trust. If nothing else, this will doom the relationship.

Can you honestly expect to love someone and be in a relationship with them if you can't trust them, and they aren't willing to help you regain any trust?

You can't love his head out of his ass. You can't. I tried it with my wife. I have seen countless people on these boards try it.

I. Have. Never. Seen. It. Work.

Ever.

Read up on the 180. (I believe it is also in the healing library). The 180 is about taking power and control of your life back. You can't control him, you can't control his decisions. But you can control your actions and you can control whether you want to continue a relationship with someone who has not demonstrated that he is safe to be with.

I have often said that you must be willing to lose a relationship to save it. Really this boils down to being willing to cast off an unhealthy relationship to save yourself. If the wayward recognizes what they are losing and what they need to change to salvage it...then maybe the relationship can survive.

But really, the relationship that you are in, the one with deceit and a lack of trust, is not a viable relationship. I think you probably recognize this, which is why you are here.

As far as sending him the letter. I don't know what it says so I can't really comment. But it is important that you express your feelings to him, and firmly establish your requirements for reconciliation.

[This message edited by SuperDuperWonderboy at 6:37 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday)]

Gumdropped posted 10/23/2013 16:25 PM

SuperDuperWonderBoy thank you so much fir taking the time to respond. You gave me a lot to think about and I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I have always been one to make decisions too quickly and act too quickly without taking time to weigh things out. Can't think of the word for that. Know it starts with I. So that said I am trying to not do that. I am weighing the advice that I get here because I have told no one else about my situation. This site has been an eye opener and a god send to me. I may share my letter with you privately at some point. As I said we have reached an impasse. I did write and give him a letter after our last go around at the end of August. I said that I was at a point where I either had to let " it" go or him go. This was because of his insistence that he couldn't take revisiting the issue. I now realize that not only did he make all of the choices for us when he chose to EA but now again he has taken away my choice to heal as I want and need to!!!!! He is now controlling the outcome and the terms of reconciliation. I recognize that at least and my letter does address that. Jacob's Letter was fantastic and I may use that should I decide to open up the terms of our R again. Which I am getting closer to doing. The 180 was an eye opener too. I need to do those things as well. I read your progress reports in your profile and am so very happy that you and your spouse are on a good path. I have realized that opening this up again may force his hand to leave and I am okay with that. I know that if he was sincere he would try to move heaven and earth to make it better and he is not doing that. It is unfortunately " all about him". This is something that I don't think will change. He will take the easy way out and leave and take his broken self on to another relationship.