As far as being a solid person for advice...not so sure about that one...but I am almost 2 years into R, and have been on these boards for the entire time. The people here have imparted some great wisdom, hopefully I won't muck it up.
He won't discuss it anymore - has basically given me an ultimatum that if it comes up again that he "can't take anymore of revisiting "his mistake" So... I sit in silence really trying hard to make this R work as I do love him.
This is not R. I am sorry that it isn't. It is painful and it sucks, but I have seen remorse and reconciliation and this ain't it.
There is something called Joseph's letter up in the healing library. It's the yellow box on the upper left of this site. there are many articles in this library. I suggest reading them all.
As far as his "mistakes" go. Umm, a mistake is a tyypo. (see what I did there?). A mistake is not lying and deceiving your partner. That is a choice. It is deliberate, it was considered, and he chose to do it. Calling it a mistake is just an attempt to minimize it.
I get the pain of betrayal. On this board, we all do. He does not. He won't, especially if he continues to demand that you shut up about it. A remorseful person who wanted to reconcile would show some amount of empathy. He wants to ignore the pain and pretend that it never happened. Ultimately, this is a no win proposition. If it is ignored, he is doomed to repeat the same actions (not mistakes). If it is ignored, you will never feel safe with him. You won't know the truth, you will never be able to restore the semblance of trust. If nothing else, this will doom the relationship.
Can you honestly expect to love someone and be in a relationship with them if you can't trust them, and they aren't willing to help you regain any trust?
You can't love his head out of his ass. You can't. I tried it with my wife. I have seen countless people on these boards try it.
I. Have. Never. Seen. It. Work.
Ever.
Read up on the 180. (I believe it is also in the healing library). The 180 is about taking power and control of your life back. You can't control him, you can't control his decisions. But you can control your actions and you can control whether you want to continue a relationship with someone who has not demonstrated that he is safe to be with.
I have often said that you must be willing to lose a relationship to save it. Really this boils down to being willing to cast off an unhealthy relationship to save yourself. If the wayward recognizes what they are losing and what they need to change to salvage it...then maybe the relationship can survive.
But really, the relationship that you are in, the one with deceit and a lack of trust, is not a viable relationship. I think you probably recognize this, which is why you are here.
As far as sending him the letter. I don't know what it says so I can't really comment. But it is important that you express your feelings to him, and firmly establish your requirements for reconciliation.
[This message edited by SuperDuperWonderboy at 6:37 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday)]