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LearnToLoveAgain posted 10/18/2013 10:08 AM

I've posted in the I can relate section before and didn't get a response, so i'm posting here. I just don't have anyone to talk to besides my MC we see every 2 weeks and my WH. My H had a "ONS" I use quotations cause once he realized what he was doing he stopped. He seen his world come crashing down. I'm not sweeping this under the rug, believe me, its been so hard. He was/is the perfect husband. I can't throw away years and years over a mistake. It helps that it wasn't emotional and that he stopped, and hes doing everything right. He's really woken up and is treating me like he always should have been. (Not saying he treated me bad, but now his focus is more me and family not job etc) He said it wasn't as a conscious decision as I think. He didn't "set out" to do it. The girl was relentless, and knew he was married. He let is guard down for a second and boom. I guess is there anyone else with a similar situation? How do you let go of the anger? How to you deal with seeing the other person, if you ever see them? Anyone who was a WS can it really not be a thought out decision? Can stress and depression and a girl being relentless really cause someone to make such a mistake? I'm almost 3 months from DDay. He called me crying, I never snooped or had any signs. Thank You for anyone who reads this time.

Raven96 posted 10/18/2013 10:20 AM

You are only three months out from DDay. They say this could take 2-5 YEARS.

You have every right to take this time to be angry. I am happy to hear that he outed himself and is doing everything right by you. A lot of WS's don't do that. I think that would have helped me...mine had to get caught.

Please don't beat yourself up for still being angry, and allow yourself this time to heal. There are a lot of great articles in The Healing Library, along with a lot of suggesions on good books to read to help you through.

You are grieving. You are not going to just get over this. It is okay to not want to throw this away after so many years together, but you have to go through it to get to the other side. You have to be able to trust him again.

I am sorry you're still very angry, but please know that it is normal!!!!! Post here as much as you need to. Vent as much as you need to. We are here for you!!!

Others will probably come along with much better advice about the stress and depression and the relentlessness of an AP, but I just wanted to make sure you knew that your feelings of anger are very normal. I think time takes care of that.


PrincessPeach06 posted 10/18/2013 11:11 AM

My H didn't set out to have a PA/ONS either (they flirted for a month online before the ONS) but I do not view what happened as a "mistake" at all. Poor boundaries and selfishness and an OW who set out to get what she wanted from a married man all added up to disaster. A quote that sticks with me is this:

“If one makes a mistake, then an apology is usually sufficient to get things back on an even keel. However-and this is a big ‘however’- most people do not ever know why their apology did not seem to have any effect. It is simply that they did not make a mistake; they made a choice…and never understood the difference between the two.”
― Andy Andrews, The Noticer: Sometimes, All a Person Needs Is a Little Perspective.

I can't say if it would have made a difference if my H had stopped things. I think not, anything do to with another woman is still a betrayal and that is what hurts the most. Thankfully the OW is hours away and we have not heard from her in months.

Today is my 16th anniversary and I have spent most of the morning in tears. H is at work but has expressed a desire to hold me and let me cry and he had apologized again. I have to let myself feel the anger and sadness and grieve. We are moving on to a better and brighter future I believe but there is no way around these feelings - I just have to get through it.


[This message edited by PrincessPeach06 at 11:11 AM, October 18th (Friday)]

headdesk posted 10/18/2013 11:18 AM

As sucky as it is, grieving and feeling those emotions is better. IMO, WS are good at painting a reasonably innocent portrait of themselves. That doesn't fully jive - as said, it was a choice.

Also, I really feel for you that you are pretty alone in this other than him and the MC. Is there no one else you can talk to in your life? At the beginning I tried to just go it alone but then put my foot down and told some of the people in my life that I can trust to support me. That made a huge difference.

Drowninginitall posted 10/18/2013 12:51 PM

I think grieving and anger are necessary for you to heal. Hugs and good luck in your journey. I am new her so just reading as much as I can and trying to offer support without the advice everyone elas has.

Crzygrl posted 10/18/2013 13:08 PM

BS only

[This message edited by SI Staff at 11:16 PM, October 20th (Sunday)]

LearnToLoveAgain posted 10/18/2013 13:26 PM

Crzygrl I think your situation is very close to mine, I think my husband thought the same thing, he tried to block her advances and she kept on. I'm not sayin he's not at fault here. He is and he knows he is. He's never tried to skew it or make it seem like its not a big deal, regardless if he stopped it or not. I do know for a fact that if she would have respected what he said, this wokdnt of happened. He knew he had no business going to a friends house, but he didn't go there with this as his intentions. I know I sound dumb for saying it but I know marriage and my husband. I know people say "this wasn't a mistake it was a choice" I've said that to, but isn't every mistake we make, regardless if it's this or that, a choice we've made? I think you don't accept msg but I'd like to talk to you, I know we are other sides of the fence here so to speak, but it just seems so similar. Thank you for your time and input, everyone.

ascian posted 10/18/2013 14:21 PM

They do get better, but they get better at your own pace.

For me and my wife, communication has been the key to defusing my anger and sadness. I've made a point of talking to her when the roller-coaster dips, and she's done the same.

It's not perfect, but it's helped. We've joked that I tried running inside, she tried running away, and neither worked to fix our marriage so we might as well try running towards each other for a change.

plainpain posted 10/20/2013 16:18 PM

This is very similar to our story. OW pursued my husband relentlessly. He told me a year ago that he 'almost' had an affair with her, and it took me almost a year to begin to heal, process, etc. I was very wrapped up in my pain and trying to force myself to keep trusting him. His dad died, his business hit a very stressful time, and she popped back into his life. She would not accept 'no', and he stopped wanting to say 'no'. She practically stalked him until he just wore down, asked himself why he was resisting, since everyone else around him seemed to be having affairs and holding their lives together. It didn't happen right away, and there were a thousand lies and deceptions along the way, and ultimately he did choose it. Some days I love him, some days I hate him, some days I think I am actually a dead person walking around my house just opening and closing doors.

I wish I could undo so many things - the meaningless OW is pregnant. I don't have any advice - hindsight is 20/20. I am so sorry for your pain.

I have experienced the pain of the 'almost' affair, and the pain of the actual affair... the level of cruelty is harder to process and there are more lies to untangle, but for sheer pain factor, it honestly is not too much different. It hurts on every level of my being.

LearnToLoveAgain posted 10/20/2013 16:36 PM

I'm so sorry you are going through that. I don't understand women. I totally feel your pain. Pain is pain n matter the circumstances. Somedays I get the depression part of my WH but other times I really can't wrap my head around it. I hope you find comfort and healing.

painfulpast posted 10/20/2013 17:48 PM

Some days I love him, some days I hate him, some days I think I am actually a dead person walking around my house just opening and closing doors.

What a brilliant description of the turmoil and pain a BS goes through. I am so sorry that OW is pregnant, plainpain, and learntoloveagain, sadly yes, it is very possible for a person to 'forget' all that matters to them and do something that can actually shatter their world. Humans have an amazing capacity to deny reality, particularly when hormones and egos get involved. This doesn't lessen your pain, i know, and it took me years to accept this fact, but it happens. Just look at the number of people on this site alone that either were WSs or are BSs that are in R. This is because the WS allowed 'the moment' to take center stage over their own life, and the life of their spouse.

Bigger posted 10/20/2013 20:19 PM

First let me start by saying I truly believe you have a recoverable situation. Your WH stopped and he came and told you about it. This indicates that he realizes that what he did was wrong and that he wants to make things right.

It‘s sooo important that both you and your husband acknowledge that this wasn‘t a “mistake”. Your WH didn’t accidentally get to the stage where this was nearly a full-on ONS.

Why is this important? Well – if we accept that this was a mistake and that your WH couldn’t have prevented reaching the point he got to… this is likely to happen again. After all – how can we prevent “mistakes”? “Mistakes” aren’t our fault really are they? They are more like accidents, something that you can’t really avoid.

No. This was a decision. Maybe not a pre-planned, long thought out decision. But at each and every step your husband had options. For example – he might not have been able to prevent her rubbing his leg but he could have stood up and moved, or told her to stop, or removed her hand… Instead he DECIDED to take that one step closer to the border that your marriage should have set, eventually crossing the border.

A “mistake” is taking the wrong turn and getting lost. A “mistake” is forgetting a birthday. But what your husband did was wrong but not a “mistake”.

True reconciliation will only be done from a foundation of truth. Acknowledging that your husband made a series of wrong decisions rather than a “mistake” is necessary so both you and he can reconcile.

LearnToLoveAgain posted 10/20/2013 20:27 PM

I use the term mistake. I use the term mistake, wrong choice, bad decision. It's just words I use. I understand were you're coming from though.

angerisme posted 10/21/2013 12:38 PM

Yes it is 2-6 years...and be very careful sweetie...the majority of "caught" spouses say it was a ONS and then they go into a honeymoon period. When everything starts getting normal again, they pick the affair back up. You will need to verify everything. Dont believe a word he says to you until it has been proven as truth. You will know when he has finally proven himself innocent of betrayal, lies, & manipulation.

LearnToLoveAgain posted 10/21/2013 13:38 PM

Right but he wasn't caught. He told me. I do know the truth and everything involved.

LearnToLoveAgain posted 10/21/2013 13:46 PM

It's been proven truth by him. Everything has. And it's been hell no honeymoon period here. It was a true "ONS" that he didn't even follow through with.

Bigger posted 10/21/2013 18:10 PM


Gently... I have read your post several times and frankly I’m not sure what sort of advice you are looking for… And it’s a shame because we here truly want to help. Part of that help is to get people focused and I see so much pain in your post and your replies but not maybe so much focus…
With a spouse that is open and honest, with a commitment to NC, with a willingness to reconcile… I would like to see you further along after three months from d-day.

How do you let go of the anger…

You decide to reconcile. The word in itself means you decide to make peace with someone that has done wrong to you. He alone can’t reconcile – you too have to make decisions and work at it. There are hundreds of ideas and paths. Go to MC. Decide to have a date-night. Write letters describing how you feel. Spend 3 hours in the same room not talking. Take long walks. Beat each other with foam-bats… Basically simply take action to change things.

How do you deal with seeing the other person…
Well – many of us avoid it. At least to begin with. Then we ignore them. Or we simply act like they are fleas on a monkeys behind and not worthy of sharing the air we breathe. But generally we simply try not to care about them. We remove them from our thoughts and our marriages. But it takes time.

Can it really not be a thought out decision?
Answered that already and I don’t think you liked the answer. But it’s the truth… well… at least as I see it.

LTLA – I have never written a single post (out of over 5000) with intention to hurt or minimize. This is definitely not intended to be the first. I truly feel your pain and can get that you are confused. But that’s why I’m gently shaking you by the shoulders to get you to focus.

angerisme posted 10/21/2013 18:27 PM

I can remember being in your place. I desperately held onto his story for comfort and hope. Sadly my story turned out exactly like the others here. You are going to survive this dear. You will survive with or without him, and you WILL find happiness again either through reconciliation or divorce. But what is most important is that you keep yourself grounded and focused on your goal. Do not let him define your goals. You must do that for yourself. He has lost the right to pretend to be all knowing. He did one of the weakest, most devastating actions one person can do to another. He is not to be trusted just yet.

LearnToLoveAgain posted 10/21/2013 19:37 PM

I know it was a decision. Not pre planned but a choice he made. He made the choice to do something he thought he would want to carry out. I do want to R. Sometimes I think it's my "fight or flight" kicking in. This is something i/we can over come. I just hate the paranoid feelings of people finding out now. I know there's nothing else to tell believe me. I know this was a one time she was making herself available to him. This is someone neither of us knew. I take comfort in knowing he stopped himself. Still hurts. I just need to comit to R myself and know this will get better.

heartbrokeninaz posted 10/21/2013 22:08 PM

My husband had a ONS with someone we know but aren't close to. Hadn't seen her in years but he texted her for a surprise massage for me. 2 weeks later wham bam thank you ma'am. It wasn't planned at the beginning but they both knew where it was going to end 2 days before. She knew he was married also but had tried before. I blame him but I also blame her. What kind of person does that? If you are getting answers, feeling like he is remorseful, and you are in love with him, I say do your best to both make it work. Don't sacrafice you though! You have to decide if you can trust him ever again or not. Also if he makes YOU happy. I will tell you it was a wake up call for both of us and what we should have been talking about and doing before the A!

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