Almost ONS actual sex never took place
Currently in R and doing great.
You have every right to take this time to be angry. I am happy to hear that he outed himself and is doing everything right by you. A lot of WS's don't do that. I think that would have helped me...mine had to get caught.
Please don't beat yourself up for still being angry, and allow yourself this time to heal. There are a lot of great articles in The Healing Library, along with a lot of suggesions on good books to read to help you through.
You are grieving. You are not going to just get over this. It is okay to not want to throw this away after so many years together, but you have to go through it to get to the other side. You have to be able to trust him again.
I am sorry you're still very angry, but please know that it is normal!!!!! Post here as much as you need to. Vent as much as you need to. We are here for you!!!
Others will probably come along with much better advice about the stress and depression and the relentlessness of an AP, but I just wanted to make sure you knew that your feelings of anger are very normal. I think time takes care of that.
“If one makes a mistake, then an apology is usually sufficient to get things back on an even keel. However-and this is a big ‘however’- most people do not ever know why their apology did not seem to have any effect. It is simply that they did not make a mistake; they made a choice…and never understood the difference between the two.”
― Andy Andrews, The Noticer: Sometimes, All a Person Needs Is a Little Perspective.
I can't say if it would have made a difference if my H had stopped things. I think not, anything do to with another woman is still a betrayal and that is what hurts the most. Thankfully the OW is hours away and we have not heard from her in months.
Today is my 16th anniversary and I have spent most of the morning in tears. H is at work but has expressed a desire to hold me and let me cry and he had apologized again. I have to let myself feel the anger and sadness and grieve. We are moving on to a better and brighter future I believe but there is no way around these feelings - I just have to get through it.
[This message edited by PrincessPeach06 at 11:11 AM, October 18th (Friday)]
Finally this is R 8/14/13
Filed for divorce 5/8/15
Also, I really feel for you that you are pretty alone in this other than him and the MC. Is there no one else you can talk to in your life? At the beginning I tried to just go it alone but then put my foot down and told some of the people in my life that I can trust to support me. That made a huge difference.
[This message edited by SI Staff at 11:16 PM, October 20th (Sunday)]
For me and my wife, communication has been the key to defusing my anger and sadness. I've made a point of talking to her when the roller-coaster dips, and she's done the same.
It's not perfect, but it's helped. We've joked that I tried running inside, she tried running away, and neither worked to fix our marriage so we might as well try running towards each other for a change.
I wish I could undo so many things - the meaningless OW is pregnant. I don't have any advice - hindsight is 20/20. I am so sorry for your pain.
I have experienced the pain of the 'almost' affair, and the pain of the actual affair... the level of cruelty is harder to process and there are more lies to untangle, but for sheer pain factor, it honestly is not too much different. It hurts on every level of my being.
Some days I love him, some days I hate him, some days I think I am actually a dead person walking around my house just opening and closing doors.
What a brilliant description of the turmoil and pain a BS goes through. I am so sorry that OW is pregnant, plainpain, and learntoloveagain, sadly yes, it is very possible for a person to 'forget' all that matters to them and do something that can actually shatter their world. Humans have an amazing capacity to deny reality, particularly when hormones and egos get involved. This doesn't lessen your pain, i know, and it took me years to accept this fact, but it happens. Just look at the number of people on this site alone that either were WSs or are BSs that are in R. This is because the WS allowed 'the moment' to take center stage over their own life, and the life of their spouse.
It‘s sooo important that both you and your husband acknowledge that this wasn‘t a “mistake”. Your WH didn’t accidentally get to the stage where this was nearly a full-on ONS.
Why is this important? Well – if we accept that this was a mistake and that your WH couldn’t have prevented reaching the point he got to… this is likely to happen again. After all – how can we prevent “mistakes”? “Mistakes” aren’t our fault really are they? They are more like accidents, something that you can’t really avoid.
No. This was a decision. Maybe not a pre-planned, long thought out decision. But at each and every step your husband had options. For example – he might not have been able to prevent her rubbing his leg but he could have stood up and moved, or told her to stop, or removed her hand… Instead he DECIDED to take that one step closer to the border that your marriage should have set, eventually crossing the border.
A “mistake” is taking the wrong turn and getting lost. A “mistake” is forgetting a birthday. But what your husband did was wrong but not a “mistake”.
True reconciliation will only be done from a foundation of truth. Acknowledging that your husband made a series of wrong decisions rather than a “mistake” is necessary so both you and he can reconcile.
Gently... I have read your post several times and frankly I’m not sure what sort of advice you are looking for… And it’s a shame because we here truly want to help. Part of that help is to get people focused and I see so much pain in your post and your replies but not maybe so much focus…
With a spouse that is open and honest, with a commitment to NC, with a willingness to reconcile… I would like to see you further along after three months from d-day.
How do you let go of the anger…
You decide to reconcile. The word in itself means you decide to make peace with someone that has done wrong to you. He alone can’t reconcile – you too have to make decisions and work at it. There are hundreds of ideas and paths. Go to MC. Decide to have a date-night. Write letters describing how you feel. Spend 3 hours in the same room not talking. Take long walks. Beat each other with foam-bats… Basically simply take action to change things.
How do you deal with seeing the other person…
Well – many of us avoid it. At least to begin with. Then we ignore them. Or we simply act like they are fleas on a monkeys behind and not worthy of sharing the air we breathe. But generally we simply try not to care about them. We remove them from our thoughts and our marriages. But it takes time.
Can it really not be a thought out decision?
Answered that already and I don’t think you liked the answer. But it’s the truth… well… at least as I see it.
LTLA – I have never written a single post (out of over 5000) with intention to hurt or minimize. This is definitely not intended to be the first. I truly feel your pain and can get that you are confused. But that’s why I’m gently shaking you by the shoulders to get you to focus.