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Causing Emotional Pain to WH

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Daysie posted 10/18/2013 10:14 AM

Here I am 8mths out from D/Day and I still don't know where I am going.

WH "A" with my then BF happened 32yrs ago (lasted 6wks) and has been over since then. I had always been in contact with her but WH never did.

The problem that I struggle with daily is - I found out all the details about their affair from her after my WH confessed during his recent illness. WH says he has no memory of what she has told me and can only remember the first time

. When I ask him about details etc, he keep saying "I don't know - I can't remember"

I can't move on from this and my mood changes daily.

My WH tells me how much he loves me and repeats over and over that he has always loved me and I should believe him because we have been together for 32yrs post "A". He is trying hard to help me heal and I know he regrets totally what he did. He can also see what his poor choices have done to me.

The thing is - I have been causing a lot of emotional pain to him.

My mood changes each day . I seem to function ok when I am at work but when the w/end comes along I go crazy . I have said some terrible things to him and called him dreadful names. I seem to become the mad woman from hell when I have time to think.

WH will have planned things to do - I may refuse to go or bring up the "A" and ruin everything. I just can't stop and I hate myself for it.

WH told me the other evening following (another abusive outburst on my part) that he is struggling with my behavior. He told me he feels like he is living on the edge of a cliff and is continually worried that he might say the wrong thing and I will leave

Sorry for rambling here but I don't know how to stop this. It's as if I want him to feel my pain.

God - I feel like a bloody victim . What a baby I am - I feel even worse when I read posts and hear how difficult this is for others. Just need you experienced people here to talk this through with me.

cantaccept posted 10/18/2013 10:31 AM

Hi Daysie,

I hear you. This is so deeply painful. Our dday antiversary is this coming monday, 1 year ago.

I think the extremes of emotion are "normal". Everything that you thought was true is now different. Your past is different than what you believed. That is a lot to wrap your head around.

Are you in IC? I have been since January and I never would have gotten through without it.

My IC has helped me to see that my anger is really just my secondary emotion, my defense. The true emotion is the pain, the feelings of humiliation, the frustration, the anger is the withdrawal and protection.

If I express my pain in anger, it makes it hard for h to respond in a healing manner. If I express my pain, which is hard to do, it makes me feel vulnerable, exposed, it presents the opportunity to h to respond in a healing way.

The book "How can I forgive you?", by J. Springs, was very helpful to me. She speaks of expressing the "soft underbelly of your pain", it just made sense to me.

I don't know if this helps. I hope it does.

I am definitely not telling you to suppress your feelings but to maybe try to dig into what is causing the anger, such as feeling deceived or abandoned, and express it that way. Maybe that will give you both healing.

Still learning myself. This way of looking at it helps me to get through.


Whalers11 posted 10/18/2013 11:00 AM

Regardless of when the A occurred, you only found out 8 months ago... and what you are experiencing is normal for 8 months out.

GraceisGood posted 10/18/2013 11:01 AM

wow, 32 years of being lied to, that will really mess with your mind imo.

Your H needs to understand this.

I have been causing a lot of emotional pain to him.

Um, he has caused you a lot of emotional pain as well. Your reaction/response is a consequence of his choices to a degree.

As far as the name calling, etc. you do have a choice in that, you can express your pain in a respectful manner if you choose, you do have that power.

You need to bring up the A, as many times as you need until you don't. That is just how it is to process trama, but the manner in which you bring it up is in your control.

He told me he feels like he is living on the edge of a cliff and is continually worried that he might say the wrong thing and I will leave

Again, just a logical consequence that he has to deal with, not you. You have to deal with your feelings and your choices in processing, but this is on him, and YES you may choose to leave him eventually, with or without infidelity, it can happen. This is an opportunity for him to grow through his fear, to rise above it and become a better person for himself first of all which will then in turn benefit you as well should you choose to stay in the M imo.

I too found out years later and know difficulties this causes as most literature is written as if the infidelity just happened and so much time is spent on getting out of the A, NC, etc in the books and not much on how to process this all from a "decades later" perspective.

Out of all the books I read the one that helped me the most was the one previously mentioned "How Can I Forgive You?"

For me the part about having ones pain witnessed and acknowledged was impacting.

Be gentle with yourself, 8 months is not long in the grand scheme of processing this.


Daysie posted 10/18/2013 11:38 AM


I think for me a lot of the emotions come from being deceived. I trusted him and he betrayed our marriage.

I really think I am at the anger stage right now and part of that comes back to how long they kept their dirty secret.

I read here often and listen to members saying how long it takes to recover from infidelity. I just feel that at our time of life "Will we make it"?

My WH has been quite controlling during our marriage and always made me feel uncomfortable if I wanted to do anything on my own. These issues go around and around in my head and the anger just rises.

WH is now aware that I will no longer let him take control and I am trying to make changes in my life for me. I know he loves me and I know he wants to move on from this but it is so hard.

I have read so many books since and they all say that in order to move forward the BS must know all the details. My WH just keeps saying "I don't know or "I can't remember". The first night he spent with my then BF - he had been out with her husband. When he didn't come home I went over to their house just across from our home and as all the lights were on I went in. I found her husband asleep in the chair and went through to my friends bedroom to see if she knew where my husband was. She tried to wake her husband but couldn't - I then went home and my WH came home about 30 minutes later. He told me he had been for a walk when I told him I had gone across to look for him. What I was to find out recently was - they were having sex when I arrived and my WH had hidden in her child's bedroom.

When I now ask him why - again he says "I don't know"
He says he thinks when he came home he was frightened that I would leave him if I knew. But quess what? - my EXBF told me that he called her the next morning and asked if she regretted it and she said "no" he then said "I'm glad because I would like to see you again".

I just can't get answers and it is making me crazy. I want him to feel this pain but I do know I am emotionally abusing him every time I rage about his "A"

cantaccept posted 10/18/2013 11:49 AM

I am so sorry you are in such pain. I feel it too. It seems for me everytime the anger comes up in me it disolves in to pain. Sometimes I wish I could maintain the anger, it doesn't seem to hurt so badly when I am angry.

I can certainly relate to the age thing. I am 54 and I keep thinking by the time I am past this I will be ... I keep thinking I am too old for this shit.

I go back and forth all the time as to whether I can truly get past this. I choose to trust the people here and my IC when they say yes, it will get better.

It is unfair, it is wrong, it does seem so wrong that we have to pay the price for their actions.

I do try to focus on how bad our marriage was and that now that I know what I deserve I will never be treated like that again. Still, it still hurts every day.

I do believe that if your h is willing to do the work. Showing remorse, going above and beyond and answering questions it will help.

Almost a year and h is just beginning to respond in this way. The few times he has, it has helped.

I was beginning to think I was putting all my hopes into a fantasy, that his actions could soothe me, but they do, they really do offer some relief.

My IC tells me all the time, consistency over time.

I am sure that finding out after all these years is so confusing. I can't imagine how I would feel.

Are you in IC????

Daysie posted 10/18/2013 11:50 AM


You are all amazing and I want to thank you for your posts. It helps so much to get it all out and to know your heard.

I will order "How can I forgive You?"

Today has been a hard day - at times I am worn out talking and thinking about it all

TrustGone posted 10/18/2013 11:51 AM

I know how you are feeling. I am 6months from the last broken NC and my WH#2 is a rugsweeper. The only time I can acknowledge my pain to him is when we discuss other issues. Untimately they lead back to the A and how badly it has hurt me. Then it leads to a breakdown in communication for the both of us. I have suggested IC (he went 3 times) and he refuses MC so here we are. I have not called him names in 6months, but we really haven't progressed that much either. He thinks that anything to do with the A is me just trying to put him down for what he did. He says he is trying (not very hard), but I know he is trying to be a good husband now, or at least his version of a good husband. It still doesn't help my pain however.

Even if it was 32yrs ago, I would still be just as hurt. So don't think you are alone or not entitled to how you are feeling. It takes a long time to get over betrayal. (((HUGS)))

Daysie posted 10/18/2013 11:59 AM

No I am not in IC.

I spend my working life providing support to young women that have been abused and some that are trying to survive from their cheating partners.

Think I would be able to manage my own mess

I don't provide counselling support - I help with practical advice.

Oldernotwiser posted 10/18/2013 12:06 PM

I spend a lot of my effort trying not to ever bring things up, he has told me "I hate talking to you about this crap" he uses anger to turn any conversation into a full rage and then he stomps out and blames me for bring up every terrible thing he has ever done just to make myself feel better. Is there any logic there? I also feel as others have mentioned that the "forgotten " information would help me. I even took the time to really think it through & write out what I really want to know. Things like how long did it go on, what contact after was there, how attached where you, when did it end and how. How often where you together. Sadly no answers can be found. Sometimes it makes me crazy and in too start acting crazy, also mostly when I have too much time to think and I am lonely.

Daysie posted 10/19/2013 05:36 AM

Yeah - Problem here is also when I do try to talk to WH he just keeps repeating "I don't know".

He will never bring "A" up and spends time with his head in the sand

Its funny though that his mother has the same way of dealing with life. If something uncomfortable happens, she will not talk about it, files it away and then re-writes it in her head

I am keeping a journal so that if this happens with WH - I can show him later.

heartache101 posted 10/19/2013 09:37 AM

Get into MC now!
He needs to GET what he has done.
He has already processed it rationalized compartmentalized it.
To him it is done. I went thru this recently not quite like you but I relived it DAILY!
He needs to GET it or this will break your soul! You find a therapist that deals with infidelity and long term marriages. This might be hard but do not accept anything less it us important to get a therapist that knows their stuff. Let this therapist find you a counselor he needs to stay open minded and attend the sessions.
He is rug sweeping with his oh
I forget but that is ok. Right now get you into therapy address him in a few months. Get that so called friend in there too. I would drag mine there then when said and done drop her on her ass and sever ties. you expect stupid shit from your spouse but YOUR friend of 30 years! ok so use her get your answers and kick her to the curb! Honey you can pm me if you need to. Journal write down what you want to scream at your unremorseful rug sweeping spouse.
Mine did not help me heal either.
This road you can do on your own you can do this keep saying that to yourself you can cause if I can anyone can!
My spouse didnt understand why I needed therapy and he was afraid the therapist would tell me to leave him yep he hasnt attended one session not one in 5 years! I realize this is my life and I dont need him to be happy Took me 5 years but that is where I am today.

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