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Will it be worth it?

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OldCow18 posted 10/18/2013 11:06 AM

The post about what you would give up to not be the BS got me on a tangent. Not even sure it makes sense, but here goes:

I was happy, we weren't perfect, we had some issues to address, but for the most part I was happy in the big picture, and even in the day to day. I wasn't just happy, I was grateful and thankful for my life with him, our kids, etc., I felt we had everything money couldn't buy. He led me to believe he felt the same, but he didn't, or this couldn't have happened, right?

So, my quesion is, what if this A ends up showing him where I was in our marriage before? What if he becomes as happy as I *was* if not happier? Will it be worth the next 2-5 years then? Will the devastation of it all show him what he could have lost and teach him to appreciate? If so, does it matter if I can never fully get back there?

Time can only tell, and the work he does from here on out is certainly the #1 factor, but I'm just thinking out loud. Can I survive this and fully heal for him to have what I already knew we had. Food for thought on this Friday.

hardtimesinlife posted 10/18/2013 12:36 PM

I've always felt this was the "design flaw" in some healthy R's. The ws (hopefully) becomes honest, patient, trustworthy and invested while the bs is on the roller coaster, feeling angry, hurt, detached and never really trusting their own happiness.

Beemer posted 10/18/2013 12:40 PM

Wow - that really hit me O-Cow... I was happy too, I was content, I was grateful - I thought my life was wonderful - not perfect - but really good, and I considered myself to be very fortunate.

Obviously, my H didn't feel the same way - he does now and that's super for him - but I don't think I'll ever feel like I did about my life and my marriage, not that it can't be good again - just that I'll never have the same feelings I did before...

OldCow18 posted 10/18/2013 12:48 PM

So, they really do get their cake and eat it too, even after the affair is over.

First they get an intensely exciting fling THEN they get a frying pan to the head and wake up thankful for their spouse/family/life. What do we get?

TrustGone posted 10/18/2013 12:50 PM

None of us really knows if trying to R with the person that betrayed us will ever work. I was also happy with my marriage and our lives prior to DDay and thought he was too. I was wrong. Now so is he. He now wants what we used to have back. I don't think you can ever get what you think you had back. You have to decide that you are committed to making a new relationship or that you are not. None of us know if our attempt at R will work. So far I am pretty sceptical from WH#2's actions that we will make it, but at our age, who knows?

myperfectlife posted 10/18/2013 13:18 PM

This whole thread hits the spot.
OC the only thing *we* get is (hopefully) a FWS who realizes exactly what they have and had, appreciates it more and more every day and understands that they have zero chances to screw it up again.
It isn't much to help me sleep at night, that's for sure.
We all give up things for "safety" but the truth is that no one is ever safe, in any relationship. Ever.

heartache101 posted 10/18/2013 13:36 PM

Myperfectlife hit it. Noone relationship is safeguarded from infidelity.
I know I wanted my boys to have a mom and dad without divorce if possible. We have made it 30 years this year. I have no regrets I have done what was best for me and my boys. My husband has had a few stupid moments lets be nice and call it that haha.... But I am provided for well. No I dont love him like I did but maybe some day who knows..
I love him but I would not die for him I would of before. Does that make sense?

nomistakeaboutit posted 10/18/2013 14:58 PM

Will the devastation of it all show him what he could have lost and teach him to appreciate?

My issue is this. For how long will a ws appreciate? They have already proven that they were capable of opting in the direction of something else that was easy, available, inticing, exciting...whatever.

I can envision a scenario where a person could have an A, realize it was a mistake - a horrible mistake - see the devastation it caused someone who they truly did love, become excruciatingly remorseful, examine deep within themselves they "whys" of it all, and rejoin their marriage fully committed, never to repeat their horrible mistake. But, my observation is that this is a very small percentage of the people who have affairs. Most, it seems from the reading I have done on this site, are high risk potential repeat offenders.

To your point, though, OldCow18, I don't think the A is going to show him where you were in the M preA. He doesn't seem to think much about how you're feeling about things, based on his behavior. How will you ever know how happy he is? It's a mess.

I hate infidelity.

Lostinthismess posted 10/18/2013 15:19 PM

This thread nails why I can't commit I think.

I know I wanted my boys to have a mom and dad without divorce if possible. We have made it 30 years this year. I have no regrets I have done what was best for me and my boys. My husband has had a few stupid moments lets be nice and call it that haha.... But I am provided for well. No I dont love him like I did but maybe some day who knows..
I love him but I would not die for him I would of before. Does that make sense?

This exactly is my fear. I'm not going to settle for less love and happiness than I had. I'm not paying for the rest of my life for his shitty choices. He'll be a better person and more invested in our marriage, but I won't be and that's unacceptable to me.

Itstoohard posted 10/18/2013 18:44 PM

From where I am, you need to ask just how long he can do this new dance. My H gave up trying after 7months. So for me, no it's not worth it.

Mousse242 posted 10/18/2013 19:17 PM

Does the OW spouse know about the affair and the continued contact?

self-rescuer posted 10/18/2013 19:18 PM

I can envision a scenario where a person could have an A, realize it was a mistake - a horrible mistake - see the devastation it caused someone who they truly did love, become excruciatingly remorseful, examine deep within themselves they "whys" of it all, and rejoin their marriage fully committed, never to repeat their horrible mistake.

This was the dream I clung to as I beseech-ed every god to save my marriage.

Because I believed our marriage so beautiful and strong and my WH so filled with character and goodness - I was certain he would

realize it was a mistake - a horrible mistake
and come back to our sweet home and family redeemed and full of attrition.

Surprisingly this did not happen.

The amount of mind recalibration I've had to do is astronomical. But worth every minute of effort because ex will never truly understand what he did or what he lost.

Sometimes there is no redemption and so we just march away from the wreckage.

Reality posted 10/18/2013 19:35 PM

Not to be the downer, but I've wondered seriously if even if my WH fully understands, is remorseful, is more self-aware, becomes a stronger man working on himself, and wrings every drop of knowledge possible from the whole experience - if all that happens...

Doesn't that make him what I thought he was in the first place before all the pain?

Aren't we all disillusioned about who our WH really was? I know I am still struggling to rectify who I believed him to be versus who he chose to be. Is he better now than he was during the affairs by a huge magnitude? Undoubtedly. Does that make him into the man I believed I was marrying? Um, nearly.

But now I know it wasn't that way at all for HIM. He didn't feel about me that way. He didn't make choices to build US. And I'm always going to know that.

Even if he works to repair as much of the huge amount of damage he caused, I don't think that there is anything ever to "profit" out of the experience. People work on themselves without burning down the world of everyone around them. People can be stronger and be who they truly want to be without doing this much damage.

I know, even with my WH working his butt off to make things right with me, that the stupid amount of pain that I see reflected not just from me, but from our kids and from everyone who knows about the affairs, is going to be around for awhile.

I'm not okay with that. I'm sticking it out because I still firmly believe the long reaching costs are less than the benefits for everyone involved, but some days its a near thing.

Its why there's no preaching what "should" be done after something like this. Every situation is weighted differently. Do what feels right to you. Do what your situation calls for. There's no shame in whatever you choose that leads to happiness for you and those you care for.

[This message edited by Reality at 7:39 PM, October 18th (Friday)]

catlover50 posted 10/18/2013 20:20 PM

I was also happy, grateful and content, even through I knew my H was deeply flawed. The thing is, my H was also happy in the M, but not with HIMSELF. He had intermittent depression and a hole inside that he tried to ignore that had nothing to do with me. I busted my ass to make him happy, and he was as happy as he could be without looking deeply inside himself. But without doing that work he allowed himself to try to fill that hole In a destructive way.

So now he is happier than he has ever been in his life, and I am much happier with him and with our M. He now truly sees and appreciates me and the M.

I have said this before, but I am willing to sacrifice the extreme pain I have felt for the chance for the man I love to be truly happy and at peace for the first time in his life. And, ultimately, I am much happier and at peace as well. Even though I was happy before, I was not part of an authentic partnership and never felt truly safe.

So yeah, it's not fair. It's also not fair that I had a happy childhood and his was the worst. So now we work with what we have.

Thessalian posted 10/18/2013 20:52 PM

Wow, Reality...

Not to be the downer, but I've wondered seriously if even if my WH fully understands, is remorseful, is more self-aware, becomes a stronger man working on himself, and wrings every drop of knowledge possible from the whole experience - if all that happens...
Doesn't that make him what I thought he was in the first place before all the pain?

Aren't we all disillusioned about who our WH really was? I know I am still struggling to rectify who I believed him to be versus who he chose to be. Is he better now than he was during the affairs by a huge magnitude? Undoubtedly. Does that make him into the man I believed I was marrying? Um, nearly.

But now I know it wasn't that way at all for HIM. He didn't feel about me that way. He didn't make choices to build US. And I'm always going to know that.

THIS. This this this. And one more time for the guys in the back: This.

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