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Broken1213 posted 10/18/2013 11:14 AM

So, for those of you who don't know, I had an EA with my husband's coworker. My husband rarely works with this man, but occassionally they have to and still hang out socially (work related functions). Well, the OM texted my husband on Saturday night while we were watching our alma matter's football game. He knows we are huge fans and watch all the games. They texted back and forth about the game for about an hour or two. It was all game related and I'm glad that they can be civil; but it's still weird to me. I really don't want my husband to talk with this man. I completely understand if he needs to for work, but I fear that this man is trying to be "friends" with us again. Whenever I would stop texting/emailing OM for awhile, he would text my husband to invite him to work related outings. He would later tell me (when we were in contact again) that he only invited my husband so that I would attend the outing as well. OM was always trying to get me to meet with him even when my husband couldn't attend an outing. I'm concerned that OM may be trying to do this again. My BS is such a nice guy, I fear that he would backslide and say it was okay for all of us to hang out again. I fear that I would backslide and agree. I have already told my husband that I do not want to spend anytime with the OM. When I try to talk with my BS about this situation, he tells me that he doesn't want to talk about it and to wait for him to bring up any discussion about the affair. I'm going to see my counselor about this, but I can't get in to see her for awhile. Any thoughts? Oh and OM's wife does not know about the EA. She texted me on my birthday wishing me a happy birthday. BH does not want to tell her, so we didn't.

LosferWords posted 10/18/2013 14:07 PM

Hi Broken1213. I'm really not sure where this behavior is coming from. Do you think there is any chance that your husband feels that he has to stay friendly with the OM for the sake of his job?

Wanted to bump this thread up to the top again, in the hopes that others will have additional insight.

Broken1213 posted 10/18/2013 14:22 PM

Thanks LW for the reply. I think he may be acting this way for several reasons: he likes to get along with everyone and he may be downplaying what happened between me and the OM. BS may want to seem like it wasn't a big deal to him--though I know he thinks it was a big deal--he even contemplated divorce very briefly. I also think OM may intimidate him. OM was his former boss at one point--not during EA. Maybe that's it?

SandAway posted 10/18/2013 14:27 PM

He would later tell me (when we were in contact again) that he only invited my husband so that I would attend the outing as well. OM was always trying to get me to meet with him even when my husband couldn't attend an outing. I'm concerned that OM may be trying to do this again.

Does your BH know this??

Broken1213 posted 10/18/2013 14:38 PM

I told BH that OM wanted me to attend an event when BH was out of town, but this was before BH found out about EA. I don't think I told him that OM told me that he only invited BH to things in the hopes that he would see me. How do I tell BH this without him getting mad that I'm bringing up the A again?

breakingpoint posted 10/18/2013 19:09 PM

I have learned that elephants in the room are rug sweeping. Don't avoid the topic of the A. Everyone is thinking about still, and if you aren't talking than you aren't being honest with each other and maintaining true emotional intimacy.

Could you refer him to this site so he can read about all of the pitfalls for himself?

Broken1213 posted 10/21/2013 06:50 AM

Thanks breakingpoint. I've told him about this site, but I think I'll bring it up again. I'll definitely try talking with him again.

Aubrie posted 10/21/2013 08:12 AM

I think the bigger question is, how can you NOT tell your husband that the co-worker used him to get you around? He needs to know. Otherwise, your husband is inadvertently playing with a fire he doesn't know is there. And if he chooses to be BFF with the dude anyway, that doesn't mean you have to.

bionicgal posted 10/21/2013 08:42 AM

I agrree with Aubrie. But also, do men sometimes not realize the seriousness of an affair if it isn't physical?

Aubrie posted 10/21/2013 08:48 AM

I dunno. I think all people are different. What some people deem "no big deal" was a huge deal to my husband. Nearly destroyed us.

Sometimes people don't understand it, therefore it's "no big deal". Maybe they can rug sweep it because nothing physical happened and therefore, "They didn't *really* cheat." Who knows.

In my case, I most assuredly was cheating. Its a no-brainer. And had it gone on, my EA would have been total PA. It was a progression thing.

nealos posted 10/21/2013 09:04 AM

I think it's your duty here to establish and maintain a boundary that is healthy for YOU. The dynamic you describe sounds tricky because of your husband's work life and the OM's history of manipulative tactics. I really think that you have to establish a boundary for YOU, and let your husband make/have his own. Someone else said it on here-- You should tell your husband how you feel (it will help build intimacy and trust, if nothing else). If the boundary you decide you need is that you won't attend social settings where OM is present, then your husband still has the prerogative and space to make his own boundaries about his work life.

So my advice is to establish a boundary for YOU, acknowledge what you can't control, and be honest and forthcoming about this to your husband. Keep your side of the street clean-- it's all you can do.

Broken1213 posted 10/22/2013 09:11 AM

Thank you everyone for your advice. I agree, I need to continue communication with BH about the affair and continue to maintain my boundaries with AP (no contact).

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