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Does Reconcilation work w/o Children

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ExhaustedWhat2do posted 10/18/2013 12:30 PM

I've posted here about my situation with my WW, who is still in a A that started in August 2013.

In my reading of books, talking with my IC, and reviewing discussion threads here.

It appears to me that the only successful R occur when children are involved. We don't have children, so I'm kind of coming to the conclusion that in my situation true R will never happen.

So can or does R happen when there aren't children involved?

jo2love posted 10/18/2013 13:30 PM

Yes, it can. The wonderful, amazing husband and wife who created this site are a perfect example.

Trying2013 posted 10/18/2013 14:02 PM

I am still very early on in my process, but we do not have children either. In fact, we are not even married. I know that makes it more difficult, but at the same time, it almost makes it easier because we know we are doing it simply for us and for no one else. If we work it out, then it was because we truly loved each other and wanted to be together. If we don't, it was because it was a relationship we didn't want.
I don't discount the reason of kids and marriage at all. They are huge reasons to stay together. But I often fear that people work through situations they are not really wanting to work through BECAUSE of the kids, home, etc...
I believe that staying together and working through should be out of love, not out of necessity.

whyme1525 posted 10/18/2013 16:55 PM

I also don't have kids and we are thinking about R. I'll rephrase that my ww wants to R Im still up in the air with what I want to do. I agree with the poster before that said if you don't have children then atleast you know your trying to r for you and not just cause you have children...

[This message edited by whyme1525 at 5:04 PM, October 18th (Friday)]

flygirl96 posted 10/18/2013 17:19 PM

yes you can R if you want to. We were trying at time of A. Now it's to late for us we are in our early 40's.

We are so happy and in love now! Our relationship is nothing like it was. Now we both appreciate each other and we just love our time together.

You just have to decide if it is worth it or not. Only you know!!!

ExhaustedWhat2do posted 10/18/2013 17:55 PM

Thanks for the feedback, it is a little encouraging. The key is both people want to do R, which is the case in every situation.

Fly, I'm in my early 40's, I hope it isn't too late if it doesn't work out.

My issue is that I caught WW twice in 3 weeks going over to OM apartment and either staying over or planning to stay over. There is really no remorse or even outwardly indication that she wants to R, or not. WS just says she doesn't know what she wants.

I've laid out non-negotiables and it has been 4 days since that time and WW still hasn't responded to them. I guess no response is a NO.

OldCow18 posted 10/18/2013 18:17 PM

I'm so sorry she's being such an ass. I don't think having or not having children make a difference in R, but most certainly still having OM in the picture makes it absolutely impossible. He has got to go.

OK now posted 10/18/2013 18:39 PM

I think couples are more likely to attempt reconciliation to prevent distress to their children, however the key factors are remorse and resentment.

The WS generated resentment to justify the affair; if that can be dissipated and replaced with genuine remorse, then the chances are good that the marriage can be rebuilt.
Similarly the BS needs to demonstrate the desire to one day forgive and accept the remorse that is being shown.

In your case you can wait it out; hoping your WW will grow tired of cheating and the concomitant guilt. Or you can file for divorce hoping she will come to her senses before the decree is issued. Your call, but I think two months is long enough and some action is required..

NoReGrets posted 10/18/2013 22:44 PM

WS just says she doesn't know what she wants.

^^^ pisses me off. Quite frankly, it's up to you to decide, not her, if R is even something worth considering. The ball is in your court.

I remember hearing that during false R, and I did everything I possibly could to "nice" him back. It obviously didn't work. All it did was allow him to cake-eat as long as he did. I wish I discovered SI much sooner.

Please keep reading on SI. If I could, I would want everyone to learn from my mistakes. There is so much valuable information on this site. As you will read from other threads, take what is applicable and what you need and leave the rest. Best of luck to you.

(ExhaustedWhat2do)

NeverAgain2013 posted 10/19/2013 08:55 AM

Well Exhausted, you've allowed her to steamroll you enough.

Her not even bothering to respond to your non-negotiables is not only a "no," it's actually a "F*ck you - I simply don't CARE."

So. Do you have a Plan B? Plan A isn't working at all.

summerain posted 10/19/2013 08:59 AM

I would think in some ways it may be easier. You would have more time to discuss and would not worry about having children around aka appropriate conversations.

I'm sure there would be benifets to having children as well. Just different ones.

However having someone that isn't dedicated to R is not going to be successful :)

I'm sorry for what you are going through

painfulpast posted 10/19/2013 09:19 AM

You can reconcile without children. My H and I have, or are trying. I'm not sure anyone is ever 'done' reconciling.

If you reconcile without children, you can be certain that they aren't staying 'for the children'. I don't believe most people stay for that reason, but I'm sure it could be a doubt in the mind of many a BS.

I'm sorry your WW isn't responding to you. Sometimes, as long as they know you're an option they won't choose. If you take away options, they are forced to make a decision.

Good luck.

lost_in_toronto posted 10/19/2013 10:03 AM

We did not have children on dday, and chose to reconcile. That changed when our daughter was born two years ago, but by then I considered us firmly in the reconciled camp with most of our A issues worked through. In other words, our daughter is not why we are still together.

You can't, however, reconcile with an unremorseful WS. ((EW2D)) I'm sorry your WW still isn't getting it. If my WS had remained in the A I wouldn't have had much time to give him before I had to make the decision for myself.

toomanyregrets posted 10/20/2013 08:11 AM

Your not going to have R as long as the A is still ongoing.
How do you R when there are 3 people in the marriage?

If your WW end the A then maybe. If she wont then maybe it's time to end the M and move on.

Bobbi_sue posted 10/20/2013 08:26 AM

I am very much a romantic at heart, and to me, being married is, in part about being in love and feeling passion for the person I share my life with.


With that in mind, children or not, remorse on the part of the WS and the ability to have love and passion in our M through all days we remain together, and having reason to believe there will be no more cheating, is more important than whether we have kids together.

I divorced my first H who was a serial cheater. I did this when our three children were very young and I had little financial means to make it on my own.

I R'ed with my current H. We didn't have kids together and in fact our blended family issues did far more to drive us apart than bring us together through the years. The kids were all grown and gone at the time of the A, and I was and am able to fully support myself without him.

Yet, we R'ed and are closer than ever 7 years later.

ExhaustedWhat2do posted 10/21/2013 10:48 AM

All of you thank you for your posts. I appreciate the words and your stories that do bring hope. I know that it takes 2 in a marriage. I also know that i made my WS feel like she was just 1 in the marriage. Odd numbers don't work in a marriage, whether it is 1 or 3.

I try so hard to take the strong and courageous stand that you all discuss and believe in so deeply. I feel weak in the WW's presence, b/c even though she's hurt me through the A. I know i've hurt her through the years.

I am a hopeless romantic and want nothing more than to R and I know it is a huge risk especially with the possibility of it being a False R.

I often wonder what is holding me back from not taking the strong stand. I'm sure there is fear, potential loneliness, uncertain future, etc...

As i journal on my situation I do work out my emotions and feelings, but I still come back to the fact I'm just not ready to throw in the towel.

B/C in my mind once I start the process, I'm done with our M. There will be no turning back and I won't look to accept her back.

I believe in leaving the past in the past, and the present and future is all that we can really focus on. I know there are lessons to be learned.

God Bless you all!

flygirl96 posted 10/21/2013 13:00 PM

Oh Exhausted I'm sorry, just for us is it too late because we tried everything and husband doesn't want to adopt. You are still young and you can and will have kids.

Your Dday was very recent and you shouldn't have to make any serious life decisions right now about your marriage. Just don't let her walk all over you!!!! You need to be strong and stand for what you want, and don't let her give you less. She will either come to her senses or your marriage is over.

You sound like an amazing guy to me so I know whatever you do you will be fine.

Your world has turned upside down and inside out! Just remember what your values are and don't let her or anyone else change them.

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