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A new question in my head

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cantaccept posted 10/18/2013 12:35 PM

I am definitely crazy this week.

I am at work and all of a sudden I am wondering, "what if ow was married? Would you still have pursued her? Would that have stopped you? Would that have been crossing the line?

Problem, if that would have been crossing the line for him. Why was betraying me not crossing the line???

Ok, like I said, I am crazy this week. I have not even asked h this question. It is totally hypothetical as she was divorced.

I am feeling angry over a hypothetical situation where some imaginary spouse is more important than me, in addition to the fact that I haven't even asked h the question.

[This message edited by cantaccept at 12:40 PM, October 18th (Friday)]

tushnurse posted 10/18/2013 13:54 PM

Yup that's when you need to take a step back and give yourself a break from it all.

I would ask myself stupid crazy things too, then obsess over them. Usually if I was sleep deprived the worse I was.

In these situations I chose to let the question rest a day or two, if it still seemed important then I would ask, but 9 out of 10 times it didn't matter, and I had saved myself a lot of pain and tears.

Kelany posted 10/18/2013 14:07 PM

One of my husband's AP's was married with 4 kids. Didn't stop either of them. It likely wouldn't have with most.

Take a breather from the thoughts.

LA44 posted 10/18/2013 14:21 PM

Agreed. You need a break.Can you replace a "crazy" with a new good habit? 40 calf raises, 15 chair dips, 20 jumping jacks!

Start jumping! (Bet you feel good afterward too) :)

Bikingguy posted 10/18/2013 14:27 PM

WW started the A when OM was single. He M ed about one year after it started. They got a hotel and screwed "one last time" because WW did not to have an A with a married man. WTF????? Didn't stop her from being a part of that wedding. AND it was not long before she decided it WAS OK and continued it for 14 years until they got caught.

I think the fact that we have these questions and our WS's did not speaks volumns. Problem is we think of these rational thoughts and believe our WS could answer them, when during the A they were nowhere near "rational" at all.

SmallButStrong posted 10/18/2013 15:26 PM

When they cross the line by going outside our marriages, I truly believe there are no more lines to cross.

My H's OW was married with two kids, just like us. In fact, the fact that she was in the same life stage as him is what drew them together in the first place.

How about crossing the line of her having sex with him in my son's room? Or in the OW's bed that she shared with her H? Those are the lines I can't believe he crossed.

Then again, we are trying to make sense of nonsense. It's impossible.

blakesteele posted 10/18/2013 15:54 PM

When they cross the line by going outside our marriages, I truly believe there are no more lines to cross

My wife's AP was a married father of 5...cant get any more "unavailable" then that...right?

I, too, had wondered if he were single if she would have just gone to Vegas with him. The fact that he was the one that killed their A could forever haunt me....but I have grown past that, you are too....

Like others is a time for a break. Head to the Smoky's...thats what I did when the "crazy" was overwhelming.

Fact is Pastors, Presidents, SAHM, Single, Married, old, young, rich, poor,....all are fair game to chose matters not what they are or their marital status.

It really is about a WS. I am convinced the only way my wife would not have had an A is if she never was in a position to have one...she had the desire and the ability...the only thing missing was the opportunity.

By the numbers of members on this site alone....this world is not lacking for opportunity.

So don't chase the rabbit that is this question cantaccept. The journey is tough enough without fruitless ventures that this one will lead you on.

You will see...this question is normal, but will pass without any further effort on your part.

This question is relevant to your M is one of the questions your fWS needs to be really pondering. How is it that choosing adultery instead of working within the boundaries of his marriage was a viable option for him to cope with life? Is he willing to change his coping mechanisms? What does that look like? All good, healthy rabbits for your WS to chase.

If he does that...and you work on yourself...i gotta believe you will be chasing healthy rabbits, together, sometime in the future.

Right now....give your dogs a rest.

Keep the faith!

[This message edited by blakesteele at 3:57 PM, October 18th (Friday)]

cantaccept posted 10/18/2013 16:10 PM

I know it's crazy!!!

That is why I put it out here. My head starts to spin and the heart starts pounding.

I helped to unload a paint truck. Physical exertion.

H dumped a lot of crap on me the other morning in the name of honesty. He needs to learn to consider my feelings a bit more. Think before he starts telling me things that I never thought of.

Of course there are so many questions that are answered still with "I don't remember".

He is looking inside himself but a lot of this is stuff he should think about for a bit first and maybe work in IC first before dumping it on me.

I want honest but please temper it with compassion!

bionicgal posted 10/18/2013 16:20 PM

I get this too sometimes, the "honesty dump." Great - thanks for being honest, but slow the horses down a little!

They crossed the line when they had the A -- after that, there is really little consideration for what is rational.

LA44 posted 10/18/2013 20:21 PM

I want honest but please temper it with compassion!

Yes. I recall reading this in After the Affair - tell your spouse the truth but be thoughtful in how you tell it.

lovedmesomehim posted 10/18/2013 23:59 PM

Hi Can't.

I would get the strangest questions that would pop into my head and I was never satisfied with the answers.

You do need a break from some of this stuff, but I really am not one that can offer the HOW.

My FWH was unable to remember much, initially, but on one fateful day he dropped a real doozy on me that left me shattered. I just don't know how he was able to "sweet talk" an OW, because he has no tact whatsoever.

If you think too long and too hard, it can be detrimental and there is no "right" answer for easing your mind. I would suggest you follow the advice to sleep on your question and ask later, if you still feel the need to do so.

You have some really good responses to your question. I learned far more from SI than I did from my husband.

SecondHelping posted 10/19/2013 07:43 AM

fWW's AP was engaged and had two kids. She knew it and he knew she was M with kids.

They both went into this knowing what they were doing.

I think fWW was searching for a new partner to replace me and AP was just searching for another fling. He was 37, single and seems to have had a habit of using women.

[This message edited by SecondHelping at 7:43 AM, October 19th (Saturday)]

mindbody posted 10/19/2013 08:54 AM

WSO's OW was married during the EA. IMO OW decided to separate and divorce so that she would be more available for WSO. Once this happened, WSO conveniently decided to lose all concept that he did pursue/accept a woman who was M. It's a lot more palatable for him to think she was already separated, not sleeping in the same room, anything to downplay the OW's M and our 11 year commitment.

Would you still have pursued her? Would that have stopped you?

Can't speak for your H. It didn't matter in our case because WSO and OW convinced eachother that her M and our relationship were all but non-existent.

Problem, if that would have been crossing the line for him. Why was betraying me not crossing the line???

I don't think these are misdirected questions even if they are totally hypothetical. A clear understanding of boundaries pre-A, during the A, and after D-D are warranted. And yes, betraying you was crossing the line-one that your H should feel too.

cantaccept posted 10/19/2013 10:38 AM

Well I decided to ask h last night.

If she had been married would you have still gotten involved?

His answer, no, I would have not gotten involved with a married woman.

So, the betrayal of her husband would have meant more to you than the betrayal of your wife?

His reply, yes, that is how f'd up my thinking was.

Okay it pisses me off that some imaginary spouse meant more than me but at least he admits he was f'd up.

There is no making sense of insanity.

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