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indicates guilt??? Or could an innocent person get defensive when asked about something they didn't do. Is this personality based?

What do you think?

In my personal experience, defensive and angry meant guilt and lies

Guilt and lies. I agree.

Truthful people with nothing to hide don't act defensive and angry.

Yup sure do.

If you are walking on eggshells, and afraid to ask things, talk about things because you fear the response, then there is more to it.

When all the lies finally stopped so did that.

The defensive question is one that I have been disecting inside and out. My WS is so defensive when I say anything and I mean anything that he would preceive as a wrong doing on his part. Even something so minor. He gets extremely defensive. He at all costs protects himself.

I think the defensiveness is to protect themselves from their own guilt. I think he clearly knows how wrong he has been and I think he can't live with that. He can't take that full accountability to accept it. I think he will not heal until he can truely owns it. We are stuck.

I have never seen someone who protects themselves as much as he does. I would really like to know how one deals with that.

To me, when my WH et sdefensive its because he doesnt want to answer me when he knows the answer will piss me off or really hurt. Usually I can get him to tell me but he gets mad then blurtsit out and it hurts worse but at least I got the answer.

I go with guilt and lies....sorry

Guilt and lies. Every time WH became defensive, it turned out I was getting closer to uncovering the underground A.

People with nothing to hide, hide nothing - and so would have no reason to be angered by the question.

Guilt and lies. Once I my WH told me everything he stopped being defensive and angry when I brought things up. Now he NEVER gets upset when I ask questions or bring it up, even if I ask the same questions over and over again.

I was asking in general, not about something Im particularly dealing with at the moment.

I agree with you all. I think it is almost always an indication of guilt. But Ive discussed this with friends and many of them feel there are other possibilities for defensiveness. I dunno.

My husband is really really good at defensiveness and anger. Over the months he has become somewhat better at controlling it, but it is still his default reaction.

We have discussed it at MC, he has spoken about it in IC. What we have come up with is this: FOO issues account for a LOT of it. I grew up around him and his family, so I have seen first-hand how his mother handled issues in their family. Her kids were NEVER wrong EVER. She had three of the naughtiest kids in town, but in her eyes any trouble they got into was someone else's fault. There was always an excuse. Her kids could do no wrong. This was bred into my husband from birth.

So now, when confronted with his wrong-doing his default reaction is to deny it. Then when he is pushed to confront and acknowledge what he has done he becomes extremely uncomfortable and reacts in anger.

The other thing is that on some (well hidden, very deep...)level, my husband feels awful about what he has done and wants to keep it hidden away like he has done for the last 9 years. He hates having to confront it. This also causes him to react the way he does.

He acknowledges it is a problem, but has a hard time over-coming it.

[This message edited by ItsaClimb at 3:30 AM, October 19th (Saturday)]

I can only speak for my situation, but with my WH it is both. I've got to completely agree with Itsaclimb

FOO issues account for a LOT of it.

This was bred into my husband from birth.

-and for mine, possibly before birth as his bio mom is the same way. It's the most disturbing family dynamic I have ever witnessed in my life.

SINCE WH has been caught by me(over 2 years ago) I think his whole reality was dragged through a sewage dump. He thought (and still thinks, at times) that his defensive behavior was simply "how thing's 're s'pposed to be." Let me just add that when he is being defensive-full on defensive-about anything, he is downright nasty and borderline abusive (and sometimes, not so borderline).

It took therapy for him to even acknowledge that MAYBE not everyone behaves this way....not when they're innocent and not when they're guilty. MAYBE healthy people don't freak out when someone gently asks them if they would mind speaking to people in a considerate way instead of a belittling one. MAYBE life would roll a lot smoother if we could all ditch the defensiveness and actually listen calmly to what the other person is presenting without flying off the handle. Then again, WH has defensiveness (itself) in the second tier of his SA Target Circle, so I might be dealing with a whole different kind of entity....