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Newest Member: Winstonsmith (46000)

User Topic: Waiting for the other shoe to drop
maddmurph
♂ 40940
Member # 40940
Default  Posted: 2:02 PM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can rationalize it anyway I want to, but I didn't go to the lawyer this morning. I also haven't confronted her about Girl's Night out. She hasn't said anything either. She on the surface is really trying. She bought me a vest that I wanted, went to MC, did the MC homework, got us tickets to a play, made a pie for me, made the goodies for the church coffee hour that my team is hosting.

I am fully prepared to pack her stuff tonight and left a message with the lawyer that I need to reschedule. I just don't want to ruin the building momentum. I know we aren't through the woods yet. That we are still in the deep dark part, but yeah.

I don't even know I'm posting this, but I am.


Me - BS, 33
Her - WW, 33
DS 7, DD 3

Posts: 129 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: OH
nowiknow23
♀ 33226
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 2:03 PM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((murph))))


You can call me NIK

"Keep your face always toward the sunshine - and shadows will fall behind you."
-Walt Whitman


Posts: 26464 | Registered: Aug 2011
Truly
♀ 40715
Member # 40715
Default  Posted: 2:17 PM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sometimes it's hard to do the tough stuff when they're being nice.
Don't beat yourself up.
Deep breath, ready for the next round
(((maddmurph)))


There are dark shadows on the earth, but its lights are stronger in the contrast.
Charles Dickens


Posts: 261 | Registered: Sep 2013
HurtsButImOK
♀ 38865
Member # 38865
Default  Posted: 2:21 PM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Strength to you brother.

There is no shame in hoping for the best and preparing for the worst.

You will know the direction to take when you are ready.


Me: Awesome - 35.... ummm, not anymore

"I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel". –Maya Angelou


Posts: 756 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Australia
sisoon
♂ 31240
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 2:37 PM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gently, you need to confront her 'girls' night out', and you need to see a lawyer.

Nothing you describe gets to the guts of recovering from infidelity, and until you and she do that, you're at very high risk for being stepped on again and again.

Consider this: your M is dead. If both of you are committed to doing the work, you can rebuild a new M. If your W won't accept confrontation on things like choosing women friends over you right now, she may very well not be willing to do the work.

It may be best to talk abut this in an MC session, but you must talk about it. Among other things, WSes are clueless about loving someone - the result of confronting her may be that she changes her ways immediately. Give her the chance to contribute to R - confront.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10740 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
maddmurph
♂ 40940
Member # 40940
Default  Posted: 2:41 PM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nothing you describe gets to the guts of recovering from infidelity, and until you and she do that, you're at very high risk for being stepped on again and again.

I know. I know this is not R or recovery or anything. It just gives me hope and I need a little hope.

If your W won't accept confrontation on things like choosing women friends over you right now, she may very well not be willing to do the work.

I know that this evening will tell the tale of the future. I'm really hoping (there's that word again) that she has decided on her own not to go tonight. I'm sure she has and I will have to confront her. And I will confront her.


Me - BS, 33
Her - WW, 33
DS 7, DD 3

Posts: 129 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: OH
tushnurse
♀ 21101
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 2:49 PM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I cannot put this strongly enough. Go see a lawyer. If you can't do it alone, ask a friend to go with you. You need to do this, you need to have the information only they can give you, you will find strength in getting answers to the unknown.

Great she's being nice. That is all it is, and as long as you don't rock the boat, you both can rugsweep the whole thing, and go on about life....But she will do it again.

She is going through the motions, but you need to gain some momentum, and strength, and clearly outline your rules for R. And be very prepared to stick to the consequences of her not following them.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8885 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Undefinabl3
♀ 36883
Member # 36883
Default  Posted: 3:17 PM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She bought me a vest that I wanted, went to MC, did the MC homework, got us tickets to a play, made a pie for me, made the goodies for the church coffee hour that my team is hosting.

It would take a lot of fucking pies to make up for cheating on me.

I get that she is trying to show you love, show you that she is paying attention and all that, but this is all stuff that she SHOULD have been doing.

All this little stuff is just a smoke screen to tip you off balance and start second guessing yourself.

Dont eat the bullshit pie.


Me: 31 MH
Him: 37 MH
New online find 6/19/14 - shit
Phone Find 11/21/14 - I can't even right now.

Posts: 1831 | Registered: Sep 2012
maddmurph
♂ 40940
Member # 40940
Default  Posted: 3:21 PM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dont eat the bullshit pie.

Can't I'm a vegetarian and that's an animal product.

Just checked her texts. She told one of her friends she can't cause there is a lot going on right now.

Stay tuned.


Me - BS, 33
Her - WW, 33
DS 7, DD 3

Posts: 129 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: OH
nowiknow23
♀ 33226
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 3:28 PM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Murph - even if she doesn't go tonight, even if she suddenly stumbles across a hidden reserve of remorse and right actions that match right words, you still need to reschedule the lawyer consultation and arm yourself with knowledge.

Promise?


You can call me NIK

"Keep your face always toward the sunshine - and shadows will fall behind you."
-Walt Whitman


Posts: 26464 | Registered: Aug 2011
maddmurph
♂ 40940
Member # 40940
Default  Posted: 3:32 PM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Promise?

She was supposed to take them to a park this morning and I was going to sneak up while she was there. They didn't. I am rescheduling for while she is at work and the kids are otherwise occupied. I'm waiting for the lawyer to call me back.


Me - BS, 33
Her - WW, 33
DS 7, DD 3

Posts: 129 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: OH
iwillNOT
♀ 40605
Member # 40605
Default  Posted: 3:43 PM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((maddmurph)))

It's so, so, so hard.

If you can't do it all at once, just do baby steps. That's what I keep telling myself. Keep reading and soaking in the wisdom on this site, keep posting for support, keep trying to look at WHAT IS instead of what you want things to be like. Keep moving forward.

Strength to you.


Me: BS, 43
Him: WH, 44
Together 21 years
Married 14 years
Kiddos 2,6,8,10
Dday#1 2004, 3 years after EA/PA co-worker MOW
Dday#2 8-6-13, 13 months EA/9months PA with co-worker MOW - caught not confessed
Rugsweep now, pay later. Ask me how I know.

Posts: 518 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest
sisoon
♂ 31240
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 4:47 PM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If it's hope you want ...

murph,

You really can heal from this - and thrive. You've got all the strengths you need in for healing in you right now, even if you don't know they're there. If you do the 180, you'll find and enhance these strengths and you'll find more besides.

You can and must heal yourself, though. No one can do it for you. You keep talking about hope, so admit it: you hope you can heal. You hope you can feel good again. All you have to do to make those hopes real is to focus on your healing.

It may be easier if you're working with a good IC.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10740 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
maddmurph
♂ 40940
Member # 40940
Default  Posted: 8:35 PM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She is curled up on the couch in her jammies.

I told her that meant more than anything else she had done this week.

Lawyer is rescheduled for Monday.


Me - BS, 33
Her - WW, 33
DS 7, DD 3

Posts: 129 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: OH
Truly
♀ 40715
Member # 40715
Default  Posted: 5:59 PM, October 20th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well done maddmurph.

Good luck with the lawyer this week; it's always good to know your options.

Glad she didn't go on her girls night out and that it was her decision, without confrontation. It's a start, a small one, but a start.


There are dark shadows on the earth, but its lights are stronger in the contrast.
Charles Dickens


Posts: 261 | Registered: Sep 2013
Topic Posts: 15

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