SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

Return to Forum List

Waiting for the other shoe to drop

You are not logged in. Login here or register.

maddmurph posted 10/18/2013 14:02 PM

I can rationalize it anyway I want to, but I didn't go to the lawyer this morning. I also haven't confronted her about Girl's Night out. She hasn't said anything either. She on the surface is really trying. She bought me a vest that I wanted, went to MC, did the MC homework, got us tickets to a play, made a pie for me, made the goodies for the church coffee hour that my team is hosting.

I am fully prepared to pack her stuff tonight and left a message with the lawyer that I need to reschedule. I just don't want to ruin the building momentum. I know we aren't through the woods yet. That we are still in the deep dark part, but yeah.

I don't even know I'm posting this, but I am.

nowiknow23 posted 10/18/2013 14:03 PM

((((murph))))

Truly posted 10/18/2013 14:17 PM

Sometimes it's hard to do the tough stuff when they're being nice.
Don't beat yourself up.
Deep breath, ready for the next round
(((maddmurph)))

HurtsButImOK posted 10/18/2013 14:21 PM

Strength to you brother.

There is no shame in hoping for the best and preparing for the worst.

You will know the direction to take when you are ready.

sisoon posted 10/18/2013 14:37 PM

Gently, you need to confront her 'girls' night out', and you need to see a lawyer.

Nothing you describe gets to the guts of recovering from infidelity, and until you and she do that, you're at very high risk for being stepped on again and again.

Consider this: your M is dead. If both of you are committed to doing the work, you can rebuild a new M. If your W won't accept confrontation on things like choosing women friends over you right now, she may very well not be willing to do the work.

It may be best to talk abut this in an MC session, but you must talk about it. Among other things, WSes are clueless about loving someone - the result of confronting her may be that she changes her ways immediately. Give her the chance to contribute to R - confront.

maddmurph posted 10/18/2013 14:41 PM

Nothing you describe gets to the guts of recovering from infidelity, and until you and she do that, you're at very high risk for being stepped on again and again.

I know. I know this is not R or recovery or anything. It just gives me hope and I need a little hope.

If your W won't accept confrontation on things like choosing women friends over you right now, she may very well not be willing to do the work.

I know that this evening will tell the tale of the future. I'm really hoping (there's that word again) that she has decided on her own not to go tonight. I'm sure she has and I will have to confront her. And I will confront her.

tushnurse posted 10/18/2013 14:49 PM

I cannot put this strongly enough. Go see a lawyer. If you can't do it alone, ask a friend to go with you. You need to do this, you need to have the information only they can give you, you will find strength in getting answers to the unknown.

Great she's being nice. That is all it is, and as long as you don't rock the boat, you both can rugsweep the whole thing, and go on about life....But she will do it again.

She is going through the motions, but you need to gain some momentum, and strength, and clearly outline your rules for R. And be very prepared to stick to the consequences of her not following them.

Undefinabl3 posted 10/18/2013 15:17 PM

She bought me a vest that I wanted, went to MC, did the MC homework, got us tickets to a play, made a pie for me, made the goodies for the church coffee hour that my team is hosting.

It would take a lot of fucking pies to make up for cheating on me.

I get that she is trying to show you love, show you that she is paying attention and all that, but this is all stuff that she SHOULD have been doing.

All this little stuff is just a smoke screen to tip you off balance and start second guessing yourself.

Dont eat the bullshit pie.

maddmurph posted 10/18/2013 15:21 PM

Dont eat the bullshit pie.

Can't I'm a vegetarian and that's an animal product.

Just checked her texts. She told one of her friends she can't cause there is a lot going on right now.

Stay tuned.

nowiknow23 posted 10/18/2013 15:28 PM

Murph - even if she doesn't go tonight, even if she suddenly stumbles across a hidden reserve of remorse and right actions that match right words, you still need to reschedule the lawyer consultation and arm yourself with knowledge.

Promise?

maddmurph posted 10/18/2013 15:32 PM

Promise?

She was supposed to take them to a park this morning and I was going to sneak up while she was there. They didn't. I am rescheduling for while she is at work and the kids are otherwise occupied. I'm waiting for the lawyer to call me back.

iwillNOT posted 10/18/2013 15:43 PM

(((maddmurph)))

It's so, so, so hard.

If you can't do it all at once, just do baby steps. That's what I keep telling myself. Keep reading and soaking in the wisdom on this site, keep posting for support, keep trying to look at WHAT IS instead of what you want things to be like. Keep moving forward.

Strength to you.

sisoon posted 10/18/2013 16:47 PM

If it's hope you want ...

murph,

You really can heal from this - and thrive. You've got all the strengths you need in for healing in you right now, even if you don't know they're there. If you do the 180, you'll find and enhance these strengths and you'll find more besides.

You can and must heal yourself, though. No one can do it for you. You keep talking about hope, so admit it: you hope you can heal. You hope you can feel good again. All you have to do to make those hopes real is to focus on your healing.

It may be easier if you're working with a good IC.

maddmurph posted 10/18/2013 20:35 PM

She is curled up on the couch in her jammies.

I told her that meant more than anything else she had done this week.

Lawyer is rescheduled for Monday.

Truly posted 10/20/2013 17:59 PM

Well done maddmurph.

Good luck with the lawyer this week; it's always good to know your options.

Glad she didn't go on her girls night out and that it was her decision, without confrontation. It's a start, a small one, but a start.

Return to Forum List

© 2002-2018 SurvivingInfidelity.com ®. All Rights Reserved.