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Newest Member: BrokeninSept17 (61547)

User Topic: MC/IC Helpful moments
♀ 41024
Member # 41024
Default  Posted: 2:17 PM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My bf and I are beginning the rebuilding process. Granted, it won't be easy, but he is open to building communication with me in hopes that this will strengthen the relationship and put us in a wonderful place again.
I struggle sometimes because my bf is rather damaged, emotionally. He feels very low about himself but never really says why. He bottles a lot and has never really let me get very deep. I think this is part of the reason we are where we are.
I have read a lot of notes about MC and IC. While we haven't crossed to that point yet, I was wondering...
Can anyone offer any particular activities or questions that they came across in MC or IC that may have helped communication?
Also, any suggestions on thing s I could offer to him to maybe help him see the good in himself (even though he's done a terrible thing, he is a wonderful man) and allow himself to feel more confident?
I read one post about a couple that sat and made a list of what made them feel loved. I liked that...

Patience is the key to joy

Posts: 49 | Registered: Oct 2013
♀ 39803
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 4:25 PM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Therapy is a relationship -- why not just go? What is holding you back? You shouldn't try to be the therapist. Why not look into it?

me - BS (45) - DDay - June 2013
A was 2+ months, EA/PA
In MC & Reconciling
"Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point to move forward." -- C.S. Lewis.

Posts: 3520 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
♀ 38384
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 6:21 PM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Trying2013, in short I agree w bionic.

In long...Your note reads as if (gently) you want to save your bf. To be the one to "fix" him. This is not possible no matter how many wonderful things you can say about him.

You say you haven't "crossed that point" of IC or MC. I say, "cross it!" Moreso for him to get IC first. Sounds like he has some internal struggles and that is best left to a therapist.

But since you asked....the first thing our MC had us do was write down (on our own) what our wants + needs were. We should have done this pre-wedding. We then compared notes after that to see where we were connecting. Incidentally, needs are things you are not willing to live w/o ie: honesty.

I wish you both well.

Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 3439 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
♀ 40963
Member # 40963
Default  Posted: 7:05 PM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with the other advice. Take your broken selves in and just be honest. You've got nothing to lose.

I would say that you will know quickly if you have found the "right" one. If after two visits, you aren't sure, keep shopping. Issues don't get resolved quickly, but good therapists make me think pretty quickly and say at least a few things that stick after the first few sessions.

Posts: 118 | Registered: Oct 2013
Topic Posts: 4

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