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Just Realized

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libertyrocks posted 10/18/2013 14:35 PM

"I" had an EA before we got married!!!! I always thought since I wasn't physically "with" OM, I didn't cheat. But, I did. Emotionally. I hid my friendship with a high school friend from my now husband, then boyfriend. I NEVER put 2 and 2 together!!

Last night, I was thinking about all my H's OW and how I measure up, my shattered self esteem, my broken heart, my sadness, pure sadness and defeat. I was also thinking how I never want any of this to happen again. Ever. With my H cheating. I want him to fix what is broken.

Then, I started digging. "I" had feelings for someone else for years and years. And, to an extent, I still do and will always harbor secret feelings for my HS friend. A person I NEVER see or talk to. It's so bazzar.

I feel like such an asshole and relized I was a little broken, too.

Gonna see my IC first thing Monday.

This is deep stuff.

LA44 posted 10/18/2013 14:52 PM

That's a big realization LR! And brave of you to post. I too harboured feelings for an old highschool beau (who is acutally deceased...very safe of me isn't it?). I think I know why I did it but will still discuss in IC.

Anyway, good introspection woman!

sisoon posted 10/18/2013 15:00 PM

IMO, having feelings for someone is slippery slope stuff, not an A. Not seeing or communicating with him is staying way off the slope.

Just curious - were you supposed to be exclusively with H2b when you had your EA?

I had a relationship with someone while I was spending a lot of time with my W, but I didn't even suggest exclusivity with either. Later, after it was clear I was hooked on my W, I dated someone else. W2b found out during R (45 years after the fact), and she felt hurt. We hadn't even talked about being exclusive at the time, but she had apparently committed to me without telling me.

I'm a bit sorry she was hurt, but if you hadn't agreed to date each other exclusively, I have a hard time thinking it's cheating.

bionicgal posted 10/18/2013 16:23 PM

I had a realization through all this that I had misled my H about my true feelings about a friend of mine when my H and I met. It wasn't an EA because I "chose" my husband very shortly and cooled off the friendship, but I had much stronger feelings for this person than I ever let on. It is funny how I really even deceived myself about it for years.

catlover50 posted 10/18/2013 21:01 PM

I made out with a few guys while I was dating my H and was out of town. (Once on a beach in Portugal with a sexy Irish lad!). I justified it because he had cheated on me and I didn't do more than neck, but thinking back I realized that I was able to set my feelings for him aside for the night and knew the guys were meaningless (sound familiar?).

Once we were married, however, I never got close to such situations; boundaries!

ItsaClimb posted 10/19/2013 02:20 AM

I had a similar realisation soon after D-Day. I had an EA in the third year of our marriage. I made a full confession to my husband at the time it was going on, and in the years since I carried a great deal of guilt about it, but on some level, because I never had sex with the person, I thought it wasn't an affair. I now realise it WAS.

I think all the learning about infidelity, the books, the reading on SI, the long talks about wayward behaviour... it all shines a great big spotlight on the issues of both the WS and the BS. IMO it's a very good thing! I have realised that I have a LOT of wayward tendencies myself and I am working on that.

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