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Newest Member: Anderson78

Reconciliation :
Just Realized

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 libertyrocks (original poster member #38924) posted at 8:35 PM on Friday, October 18th, 2013

"I" had an EA before we got married!!!! I always thought since I wasn't physically "with" OM, I didn't cheat. But, I did. Emotionally. I hid my friendship with a high school friend from my now husband, then boyfriend. I NEVER put 2 and 2 together!!

Last night, I was thinking about all my H's OW and how I measure up, my shattered self esteem, my broken heart, my sadness, pure sadness and defeat. I was also thinking how I never want any of this to happen again. Ever. With my H cheating. I want him to fix what is broken.

Then, I started digging. "I" had feelings for someone else for years and years. And, to an extent, I still do and will always harbor secret feelings for my HS friend. A person I NEVER see or talk to. It's so bazzar.

I feel like such an asshole and relized I was a little broken, too.

Gonna see my IC first thing Monday.

This is deep stuff.

Me-37 Ws-37
2 kids
Dday Nov 2012, TT for a year.
Reconciling for the third time in 4 years.

posts: 972   ·   registered: Apr. 8th, 2013
id 6528746
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LA44 ( member #38384) posted at 8:52 PM on Friday, October 18th, 2013

That's a big realization LR! And brave of you to post. I too harboured feelings for an old highschool beau (who is acutally deceased...very safe of me isn't it?). I think I know why I did it but will still discuss in IC.

Anyway, good introspection woman!

Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

posts: 3442   ·   registered: Feb. 7th, 2013   ·   location: Canada, eh
id 6528769
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 9:00 PM on Friday, October 18th, 2013

IMO, having feelings for someone is slippery slope stuff, not an A. Not seeing or communicating with him is staying way off the slope.

Just curious - were you supposed to be exclusively with H2b when you had your EA?

I had a relationship with someone while I was spending a lot of time with my W, but I didn't even suggest exclusivity with either. Later, after it was clear I was hooked on my W, I dated someone else. W2b found out during R (45 years after the fact), and she felt hurt. We hadn't even talked about being exclusive at the time, but she had apparently committed to me without telling me.

I'm a bit sorry she was hurt, but if you hadn't agreed to date each other exclusively, I have a hard time thinking it's cheating.

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex apDDay - 12/22/2010Recover'd and R'edYou don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 31149   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 6528778
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bionicgal ( member #39803) posted at 10:23 PM on Friday, October 18th, 2013

I had a realization through all this that I had misled my H about my true feelings about a friend of mine when my H and I met. It wasn't an EA because I "chose" my husband very shortly and cooled off the friendship, but I had much stronger feelings for this person than I ever let on. It is funny how I really even deceived myself about it for years.

me - BS (45) - DDay - June 2013
A was 2+ months, EA/PA
In MC & Reconciling
"Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point to move forward." -- C.S. Lewis.

posts: 3521   ·   registered: Jul. 11th, 2013   ·   location: USA
id 6528906
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catlover50 ( member #37154) posted at 3:01 AM on Saturday, October 19th, 2013

I made out with a few guys while I was dating my H and was out of town. (Once on a beach in Portugal with a sexy Irish lad!). I justified it because he had cheated on me and I didn't do more than neck, but thinking back I realized that I was able to set my feelings for him aside for the night and knew the guys were meaningless (sound familiar?).

Once we were married, however, I never got close to such situations; boundaries!

Dday -9/23/2012
Reconciled

posts: 2376   ·   registered: Oct. 16th, 2012   ·   location: northeast
id 6529259
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ItsaClimb ( member #37107) posted at 8:20 AM on Saturday, October 19th, 2013

I had a similar realisation soon after D-Day. I had an EA in the third year of our marriage. I made a full confession to my husband at the time it was going on, and in the years since I carried a great deal of guilt about it, but on some level, because I never had sex with the person, I thought it wasn't an affair. I now realise it WAS.

I think all the learning about infidelity, the books, the reading on SI, the long talks about wayward behaviour... it all shines a great big spotlight on the issues of both the WS and the BS. IMO it's a very good thing! I have realised that I have a LOT of wayward tendencies myself and I am working on that.

BS 52
Together 35 yrs, M 31 years
2 daughters 30yo(married with 2 children) & 25yo
D-Day 18 Aug 2012
6mth EA lead to 4mth PA with CO-W. I found out 8 1/2 yrs later

posts: 1321   ·   registered: Oct. 11th, 2012
id 6529480
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