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"I" had an EA before we got married!!!! I always thought since I wasn't physically "with" OM, I didn't cheat. But, I did. Emotionally. I hid my friendship with a high school friend from my now husband, then boyfriend. I NEVER put 2 and 2 together!!

Last night, I was thinking about all my H's OW and how I measure up, my shattered self esteem, my broken heart, my sadness, pure sadness and defeat. I was also thinking how I never want any of this to happen again. Ever. With my H cheating. I want him to fix what is broken.

Then, I started digging. "I" had feelings for someone else for years and years. And, to an extent, I still do and will always harbor secret feelings for my HS friend. A person I NEVER see or talk to. It's so bazzar.

I feel like such an asshole and relized I was a little broken, too.

Gonna see my IC first thing Monday.

This is deep stuff.

That's a big realization LR! And brave of you to post. I too harboured feelings for an old highschool beau (who is acutally deceased...very safe of me isn't it?). I think I know why I did it but will still discuss in IC.

Anyway, good introspection woman!

IMO, having feelings for someone is slippery slope stuff, not an A. Not seeing or communicating with him is staying way off the slope.

Just curious - were you supposed to be exclusively with H2b when you had your EA?

I had a relationship with someone while I was spending a lot of time with my W, but I didn't even suggest exclusivity with either. Later, after it was clear I was hooked on my W, I dated someone else. W2b found out during R (45 years after the fact), and she felt hurt. We hadn't even talked about being exclusive at the time, but she had apparently committed to me without telling me.

I'm a bit sorry she was hurt, but if you hadn't agreed to date each other exclusively, I have a hard time thinking it's cheating.

I had a realization through all this that I had misled my H about my true feelings about a friend of mine when my H and I met. It wasn't an EA because I "chose" my husband very shortly and cooled off the friendship, but I had much stronger feelings for this person than I ever let on. It is funny how I really even deceived myself about it for years.

I made out with a few guys while I was dating my H and was out of town. (Once on a beach in Portugal with a sexy Irish lad!). I justified it because he had cheated on me and I didn't do more than neck, but thinking back I realized that I was able to set my feelings for him aside for the night and knew the guys were meaningless (sound familiar?).

Once we were married, however, I never got close to such situations; boundaries!

I had a similar realisation soon after D-Day. I had an EA in the third year of our marriage. I made a full confession to my husband at the time it was going on, and in the years since I carried a great deal of guilt about it, but on some level, because I never had sex with the person, I thought it wasn't an affair. I now realise it WAS.

I think all the learning about infidelity, the books, the reading on SI, the long talks about wayward behaviour... it all shines a great big spotlight on the issues of both the WS and the BS. IMO it's a very good thing! I have realised that I have a LOT of wayward tendencies myself and I am working on that.