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Need help with DS's request

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thebighurt posted 10/18/2013 17:18 PM

DS just asked me for some help. It's something that will be difficult for me to do. There's no way around doing it the way he asked if I agree to do it. I suggested several things that are not options under the circumstances.

However, it's something xpos and slut could accomplish much easier. Why didn't he ask them?

DS is very stubborn and sadly, I'm seeing more and more of xpos in his responses and actions. Also, he's going to great lengths to avoid even the mention of xpos to me, to the point of almost out-and-out lying to me.

I see my IC next week and had already intended to bring this up then, but this forces the issue. I know he and his family see xpos and slut and now I'm wondering if he or they are how xpos seems to know my every move. I have a post on here about that issue. I want to ask IC how I can approach this with him but my appointment is after he needs this, so I can't ask her how to handle this one.

Also, there's the issue that xpos got angry with me for everything I ever did for them, so he might not help him out any way. Where does xpos think we would have been if we hadn't gotten a lot of help from our families? I would like to tell DS all the things xpos said to me about that, but won't. What brats his kids are, how they can't seem to help themselves instead of going to others and lots more. It would just seem like sour grapes and retaliation and make him angry with me.

So, is there a way I can suggest he ask his father to take care of this that might not make him angry? I hate what xpos has caused my relationship with both DSs to be like.

Nature_Girl posted 10/18/2013 17:25 PM

This is too vague for me to make suggestions.

thebighurt posted 10/18/2013 17:52 PM

If I can't talk to him about his father at all, how can I suggest he should ask him/them to do what he needs instead of me?

When he gets angry, he clams up and won't talk at all, just like xpos. And when he gets like that, he does things that make things worse instead of solve them, just like his father.

I lived with this pattern for years and never could do anything that broke the cycle, just wait it out. I really don't want him mad at me and don't want him to do something out of spite.

Eta: the question is really how to talk to him, not solve the issue.

[This message edited by thebighurt at 5:56 PM, October 18th (Friday)]

gonnabe2016 posted 10/18/2013 17:59 PM

It sounds like your DS is an adult? With a family of his own?

If so, then you tell him......"I would like to help you out, and I would if I could. However, fulfilling your request is too difficult for me to manage right now. I'm sorry. Is there anyone else who might be able to help you out?"

If he's an adult, then he needs to learn how to figure out how to solve his own problems. And if he's gonna act like a jerk about it.....well, so be it.

inconnu posted 10/18/2013 18:16 PM

how can I suggest he should ask him/them to do what he needs instead of me?

try saying something like "I'm sorry but I can't help you right now. Have you asked your dad if he can help you?"

I get that it's hard to bring up certain subjects with our kids, but you should not be taking on the responsibility for how your son responds to your answer. That's on your son. If he wants to sulk and not speak to you until he gets his way, well...tough luck for him.

[This message edited by inconnu at 6:17 PM, October 18th (Friday)]

thebighurt posted 10/18/2013 18:30 PM

Thanks, gonnabe. I'm sorry, yes, he is an adult with his own family, living nearby. The only one of my kids who does, so I see quite a bit of them. And I think I'm the one they ask when they need something I can help with. And I would rather, when possible, instead of having xpos and slut around them if that would be the alternative.

This is close to what I came up with to say to him. It was the only thing I could think of but hoped maybe someone else might have a better approach.

TrulySad posted 10/19/2013 07:16 AM

I like how inconnu wrote it. Just say the truth.

I'm sorry your son is pulling back, when discussing his dad with you. It's hard on the kids, in this crud. They usually know how one parent's been hurt, and they have no idea how far they can go in mentioning issues with one parent now, to the other.

Another thing you might want to consider is dealing with him pulling back. Maybe say to him something like:

"I know you're in a difficult position, with dad and I. I can see how this is affecting you, when you hesitate to talk about them around me. You're MY son. I love you, and I'm still here for you. No matter what. So PLEASE talk. Say whatever you would normally have said. And while I may cringe when I hear certain things, it's far more painful to know you aren't talking to me now, as a result of everything that's happened."

And one last thing... if he ends up turning out like his father, that's on him. Please don't allow your children to walk over you. We will always love our children. And we've given our lives to our children. They should respect that, and as adults come to see what we've been through.

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