WH is being great. Really. He's trying hard. Good meeting with our pastor today,but right after a doctor appointment where they confirmed my pregnancy. We haven't told anyone and that is hard for me. I tell my mom everything and i really feel I need someone other than my WH to talk about this with. So...you guys are it, I guess.
We wanted to wait to tell everyone after our first prenatal which is in three weeks. Not sure if that will happen if I keep having breakdowns like I did today when the midwife told me I have to go off my anxiety meds. My regular doctor said to stay on them because she knows everything I'm going through. I know God is in control, no matter what happens, so I'm just taking it one moment at a time. Still...with all the other stuff going on I'm a bundle of nerves and am probably going to need something to calm me.
Not only that, but I feel almost numb about this. Isn't that awful?! It's like I'm afraid to be happy -- I don't want to be happy and have something bad happen (what a horrible way to think and one of the biggest things my counselor is working on with me.) I feel guilty for not being happy because my best friend lost a baby at 27 weeks two weeks ago. :(
She and her husband would be so happy to have a baby and now I have one -- as far as we know -- and I feel numb and confused about it all so far. I know it will be different after the first ultrasound, but for now I feel like I'm in a weird universe that is notmy own
WH said tonight: "I've made so many mistakes. I've messed things up but i want to fix things and I want to keep working. You are not alone. I will be there for you. I know I haven't been in the past, but I want to be there for you from now on."
It was great to hear, but I told him I still have trouble feeling safe with him. He said he understands...I hope he does and that he knows I appreciate his efforts. It's just that somedays I feel....again...that word...numb.