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Newest Member: RoreverBlue (61146)

User Topic: First anniversary after Dday
♀ 40937
Member # 40937
Default  Posted: 6:54 PM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tomorrow should have been my 17th anniversary. I just can't see it that way. The vows are broken. We are going to go away as a distraction. I have been crying a lot of the day today. I don't know how to just look at it as another day. Is there a way to get around the pain of his affair. He is trying but it's not the same for him. He compartmentalizes and moves on. I am completely destroyed and just trying to make it through the day. Does anyone have any ideas that will make this easier? Things that can help bring us together.

BS me 39
WH him 40
Dd 7/1/13. TT 7/22/13
SAHM with 4 wonderful kids

Posts: 190 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Kansas City
♀ 38384
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 8:40 PM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((flourgirl)) Are you talking? You must. And if that is too hard write a letter. Let him know how you are feeling.

Are you in IC? MC? Have you read anything that is helpful? We both read, After the Affair by Janis A Spring, How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair and the 5 Love Languages. I have read most of the articles in the Healing Library as did he.

Feeling closer after such a betrayal is very difficult and takes time. It's really what you do in that time though.

We will have our 16th Anniversary in November. At first I wanted to think that we should only have 13 years together - not 16 bc afterall, he was unfaithful for 3 of our anniversary's. But you know what? We said for better/worse in those vows. This is the worse. I am keeping those three years too. We have a chance at something better from here on out.

No pressure for you to do anything to "celebrate". Do as you please. I just hope you can start to move forward in a way that make sense for you.


[This message edited by LA44 at 9:11 PM, October 18th (Friday)]

Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 3439 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
♀ 37439
Member # 37439
Default  Posted: 8:44 PM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't really remember first anniversary after dday. But I do remember my birthday was less then a week later.

We watched tv shows all day. It was an awful birthday but it was no stress. Don't feel like you have to even spend it with him

[This message edited by lauren123 at 8:51 PM, October 18th (Friday)]

OW1 inadvertently let me know WH loves English breakfast tea. Never ever saw him drink it. And I never will.

Posts: 818 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Australia
♀ 40605
Member # 40605
Default  Posted: 8:49 PM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My 14 th anniversary was 8 weeks after Dday. I received very good advice to just do whatever I felt like doing. I told my WH I did not want to celebrate it; had an IC session; went shopping alone. That night WH made dinner and got flowers but we never treated it like it was an anniversary, just a nice dinner. It wasn't nearly as bad as I was worried it would be.

Maybe when you go away, you could agree about some things in advance( no big anniversary gestures, if that is what you want. Or, big huge gestures, if you want that.). Treat it as a chance to spend some time together, taking a break from affair discussions just to try to comfort each other and focus on each other lovingly?

I don't know if this is helpful for you, but you WILL make it through this. You can do it.


Me: BS, 46
Him: WH, 47
Together 24 years
4 amazing kids
Dday#1 2004, 3 years after EA/PA co-worker MOW
Dday#2 8-6-13, 13 months EA/9months PA with co-worker MOW - caught not confessed
Choosing myself daily and R almost every day

Posts: 698 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest
♀ 39502
Member # 39502
Default  Posted: 9:41 PM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Flourgirl, I don't know what to do about our anniversary either. It'll be 30 years in January.

Recently, I made him get me copies of his cell phone bills as far back as he could get, which turned out to be a year. I found out he called a prostitute on our anniversary this year. He didn't see her (allegedly), but the damage is done. Who calls a prostitute on your anniversary? I can't imagine ever celebrating that day again.

I already warned my mother to not send us a card (she always did). I told him that day has been stolen from me forever. He says we can get it back. I don't know how. I can not imagine what I will do that day. Just no clue.

Me - 49 (BS)
Him - 51 (WH with "8 or 9" prostitutes)
Married 30 years, give or take a few weeks here and there
D-Day - May 4, 2013
Discovered an EA going on since 2010 around that time, too. NC in place now.

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jun 2013
♀ 40937
Member # 40937
Default  Posted: 12:13 AM, October 19th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just want to thank everyone for posting. My plan right now is to try not to focus on the day. I just can't celebrate this marriage right now. We are both in counseling and were reading but its still hard. Everyday comes with new challenges. I still can't believe that sex could be worth causing people this much pain. I'm lucky my kids have no idea it's our anniversary. I would hate to put on a show for anyone right now. Thank you for helping me get through all of this.

BS me 39
WH him 40
Dd 7/1/13. TT 7/22/13
SAHM with 4 wonderful kids

Posts: 190 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Kansas City
Topic Posts: 6

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