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First anniversary after Dday

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Flourgirl posted 10/18/2013 18:54 PM

Tomorrow should have been my 17th anniversary. I just can't see it that way. The vows are broken. We are going to go away as a distraction. I have been crying a lot of the day today. I don't know how to just look at it as another day. Is there a way to get around the pain of his affair. He is trying but it's not the same for him. He compartmentalizes and moves on. I am completely destroyed and just trying to make it through the day. Does anyone have any ideas that will make this easier? Things that can help bring us together.

LA44 posted 10/18/2013 20:40 PM

((flourgirl)) Are you talking? You must. And if that is too hard write a letter. Let him know how you are feeling.

Are you in IC? MC? Have you read anything that is helpful? We both read, After the Affair by Janis A Spring, How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair and the 5 Love Languages. I have read most of the articles in the Healing Library as did he.

Feeling closer after such a betrayal is very difficult and takes time. It's really what you do in that time though.

We will have our 16th Anniversary in November. At first I wanted to think that we should only have 13 years together - not 16 bc afterall, he was unfaithful for 3 of our anniversary's. But you know what? We said for better/worse in those vows. This is the worse. I am keeping those three years too. We have a chance at something better from here on out.

No pressure for you to do anything to "celebrate". Do as you please. I just hope you can start to move forward in a way that make sense for you.


[This message edited by LA44 at 9:11 PM, October 18th (Friday)]

summerain posted 10/18/2013 20:44 PM

I don't really remember first anniversary after dday. But I do remember my birthday was less then a week later.

We watched tv shows all day. It was an awful birthday but it was no stress. Don't feel like you have to even spend it with him

[This message edited by lauren123 at 8:51 PM, October 18th (Friday)]

iwillNOT posted 10/18/2013 20:49 PM

My 14 th anniversary was 8 weeks after Dday. I received very good advice to just do whatever I felt like doing. I told my WH I did not want to celebrate it; had an IC session; went shopping alone. That night WH made dinner and got flowers but we never treated it like it was an anniversary, just a nice dinner. It wasn't nearly as bad as I was worried it would be.

Maybe when you go away, you could agree about some things in advance( no big anniversary gestures, if that is what you want. Or, big huge gestures, if you want that.). Treat it as a chance to spend some time together, taking a break from affair discussions just to try to comfort each other and focus on each other lovingly?

I don't know if this is helpful for you, but you WILL make it through this. You can do it.


LonelySilhouette posted 10/18/2013 21:41 PM

Flourgirl, I don't know what to do about our anniversary either. It'll be 30 years in January.

Recently, I made him get me copies of his cell phone bills as far back as he could get, which turned out to be a year. I found out he called a prostitute on our anniversary this year. He didn't see her (allegedly), but the damage is done. Who calls a prostitute on your anniversary? I can't imagine ever celebrating that day again.

I already warned my mother to not send us a card (she always did). I told him that day has been stolen from me forever. He says we can get it back. I don't know how. I can not imagine what I will do that day. Just no clue.

Flourgirl posted 10/19/2013 00:13 AM

I just want to thank everyone for posting. My plan right now is to try not to focus on the day. I just can't celebrate this marriage right now. We are both in counseling and were reading but its still hard. Everyday comes with new challenges. I still can't believe that sex could be worth causing people this much pain. I'm lucky my kids have no idea it's our anniversary. I would hate to put on a show for anyone right now. Thank you for helping me get through all of this.

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