Am I weird to want to know all the details?
The other night as WH and I were being intimate he pulled me into a position we dont do very often and has been a long time since I can remember we did. But he pulled me up like it was a regular thing but before I could really think about it we stopped that way and tried something else.
I told him about it and he was like "Idk if we ever did it like that but did you see how long it lasted? I clearly didnt like it.". Idk if he did it that way with her, I want to know but I dont.
At the beginning I asked all kinds of things and now those things come back to haunt me alllllll the time! I sometimes wonder if some of the triggers are something I did to myself by asking so many questions. Then I think I want to know these things becasue I NEED to.
[This message edited by suposd2btheonly1 at 8:26 PM, October 18th (Friday)]
Many people will say its up to you on how much you want.
But are you sure when you sit down and think how much it affects you?
- Details of sex, other than weather or not a condom was worn and if WH got off.
- Exact dates. Unfortunately, I have a ton of these already, because I blog every time I travel and every time I traveled was when WH was messing around. Of course, there was plenty of messing around when I didn't, so there's that. I really, really, REALLY don't want any more trigger days.
- Nice things he said to her about herself. I hate hearing this and it makes me want to die.
Everything else I asked questions about. There are a lot of things that I assume or just know happened, but would rather be left with the tiniest possibility that they didn't, than know for sure they did.
[This message edited by Thessalian at 10:03 PM, October 18th (Friday)]
7 years of double-digit ONS, LTA, hookers - the works.
First found out: August 20, 2013
Whole truth: January 1, 2014
Why do I want to know this? I have no idea. It really won't add anything one way or the other, but I had to ask. I feel like my life was a lie for 2.5 years, so I am trying to get all of the details now in order to reclaim some of that time. Truth about what went on, even if it hurts, will decrease the wondering I do, IMO.
To answer heartbroken's question, it was a span of 4 weeks. They saw each other 3 times. The first time was supposed to be a one time thing, the oher 2 they had sex 3 or 4 times then I found out. When they werent together they were talking or texting while I was gone.
God just thinking about that sneaking around behind my back makes me so sick!!!
[This message edited by suposd2btheonly1 at 10:39 PM, October 18th (Friday)]
For me finding out all the details was a good thing. In my head, I imagined that the sex my husband and OW had was this amazing, romantic and passionate sex - her in beautiful lingerie, him undressing her... you know, the kind of stuff you read about in novels. The thought of it was eating me alive. I was obsessing over it, picturing it... Horrible!
I asked him to describe it to me... guess what?! It was NOTHING like what I imagined. For one thing her underwear was extremely ordinary, very "everyday" kind of underwear... they did not undress each other! The sex was mostly missionary, couple of BJs and she was on top a couple of times. It was pretty much wham-bam-thank-you -ma'am. The way he described it to me made it seem like exactly what it was.... cheap, dirty, unromantic, nothing special. So I was GLAD I got all the details. If I hadn't I would still be stewing over the amazing, passionate, romantic sex that never happened!
I don't mean to laugh but I felt the same way! I thought it was this passionate amazing evening.
I never got them – at least truthfully, to my knowledge
I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy
It's hard to make a decision when you're too tired to hold on and too in love to let go. ~ unknown
In order to own something fully, I feel a vast generalization such as "we had sex" doesn't begin to encourage the WS to see all the myriad of choice points that were blasted through in the quest for selfish pleasures. Certainly in the case of a WS prone to minimizing (like mine was), this is an important difference.
In addition, it allows the BS to gain a complete Gestalt of the period of his/her life during which the A or As occurred. I don't have to wonder; the random questions don't pop into my head.
Truly, knowing EVERYTHING helped our R long-term. My FWH told me things I truly would not have ever learned of had he not told me; this actually increased my sense of security in the rough months after the full disclosure.
Not knowing doesn't mean things didn't happen.
Looking back, there are several reasons:
1 - The WS shares things about the marriage with the OP. The WS' willingness to betray the OP in this regard is important, and evens the score in a way. It's a big turning point.
2 - The BS gets to know the parameters of the betrayal, instead of feeling around in the dark and fighting the lurking sense of there being more, and worse, out there.
3 - Yes, it does hurt more, and on bad days, you take it out and turn it over in the light. However, it also hurts the WS more to tell it, and they are forced to feel the BS' pain, which takes a heck of a lot of the "glamor" out of the affair. Paradoxically, it means that your WS is finally accountable and willing to do what it takes.
It's hard. In the long run though, it turned all the drama into a bad joke. It doesn't hurt after a while.
How many times did you contact her?
He refused to say. At first he lied and said just one time, but later when I found proof of additional contact he simply refused to acknowledge I was in the room, let alone asking him questions.
Has there been anyone else?The only answer I got from that was furious cursing at ear-piercing volume.
Did you think I just wouldn't ever find out?Shrug
Did you think I just wouldn't care?Shrug
[This message edited by Nature_Girl at 6:54 PM, October 19th (Saturday)]
First, if you ever hear multiple witnesses describe the same event that they supposedly all observed, their stories will be completely different. Cheating spouses in the midst of committing adultery are not known for taking careful notes.
Second, there is the natural inclination (often described by WS's here) as to not want to throw fuel on a fire and make things worse. The more a BS says they really want to know the truth, the more many WS's know that they cannot share details about the lingerie OW wore. If a WH ever forgot your anniversary or birthday, this is not going to be the one occasion when he suddenly admits to having a photographic memory when it comes to the cut of French panties.
So as much as I agree that BS's have a right to know and should ask, I think the percentage that get a real picture is pretty low. There are a few exceptions where there is independent information, such as finding messages or media from or between the adulterers that spells out or depicts the details. But that material is often found despite the WS, not because they offer it.