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Could you date someone who has lots of opposite sex friends?

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She11ybeanz posted 10/18/2013 20:25 PM

I wanted to pose this question. If you knew a guy (or girl) that you saw potential in but KNEW ahead of time that they had lots of friends of the opposite sex that they would hang out with and do things with, could you date them or would that be a dealbreaker?

That was how my XWH and MOW developed their relationship. They disguised it as "friendship" and we hung out with her and her husband ALL THE TIME. I always got the "We are just friends" or "she is like a sister to me" speech whenever I would feel weary about blurred boundaries....

I just don't know if I could date someone if I knew ahead of time that they would be hanging out with other women all the time.... "friends" or otherwise...

And, yes..I know this is probably baggage...and I'm trying to work on the trust issues that my XWH and MOW instilled in me... and its definitely a work in progress.... but I just don't know if I could mentally be okay with it.

Thoughts?!

little turtle posted 10/18/2013 20:39 PM

It depends on the person. My SO hung out with a group of girls when I met him. They were just friends. They all acted appropriately when I met and hung out with them. They are still friends, but we don't hang out much.

Have you seen them interact together? How was it? How does he talk about them? Any uncomfortable feelings? Does he still hang out with them as much when he is in a relationship?

She11ybeanz posted 10/18/2013 20:51 PM

See.... I don't know. He went to the zoo with one with his son.... and he went to Busch Gardens with one with his son (not sure if the same girl or not) and he runs with another one.... always seems to be "one on one" time and that kind of stuff makes me weary....

It is probably just me. I don't know.

inconnu posted 10/18/2013 20:51 PM

Well, I try to never say never, but...yeah, not something I'd be all that comfortable with, and it would be a big reason why I wouldn't be interested in dating someone.

Also, just because something might be considered "baggage" from a previous relationship doesn't make you wrong to feel that way. To me, there's a reason a guy would want to hang out with a lot of female friends, and I can't really think of anything that's a positive reason, kwim?

phmh posted 10/18/2013 20:55 PM

The one guy I really dated (2 months) since my divorce had a ton of female friends. Usually part of couples, but he'd meet one for lunch on a monthly basis, would text with others. I was never jealous or worried that he would do anything behind my back once we decided to be exclusive. I have a lot of guy friends and know that good, honest people with integrity can have friends who happen to be members of the opposite sex. I realize that my opinion is probably in the minority here, but if I have to worry about my SO's friends, then I'm thinking I have more of an SO problem than an SO-friend problem.

She11ybeanz posted 10/18/2013 21:04 PM

Well...and for me it would depend on the friend. My XWH had lots of women friends.....none of whom I was ever worried about or got a weird vibe from UNTIL MOW... She put off a different vibe... that 6th sense vibe that made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up at alert... and made my internal bullshit alarm go off... she was the 1st woman in 8 years with him to have that happen.

So... I guess it would depend on the friend. But, with my history... it makes me weary because I would be afraid "that friend" could be around any corner...

I guess as my XWH would have said.... I need to "get over it" and stop being so paranoid. IDK.

NaiveAgain posted 10/18/2013 21:48 PM

It is probably just me. I don't know.
Not just you. For me, it depends on the guy and if the female friend is a mate poacher or looking for ego strokes or not. I dated XSO for four years and he had lots of female friends....but he had them for years before he met me and we talked about them and I understood his thinking about them, and I was pretty secure in my standing with him so it wasn't a problem.

With my new SO, he had/has a couple. One I made him drop if he wanted to keep me because he had more than just friends interest in her at one point and I'm not dealing with that. I could deal with it because I am secure in my standing with him also, but I just choose NOT to deal with it. I have enough stress and drama in my life and I'm not that desperate to be in a relationship that I will deal with stuff I really don't want to deal with at this age. One other he has dropped most contact with because she is a user (uses him for car rides and to make her bf jealous)and I pointed that out to him and she will not accept me as his gf, she totally ignores me whenever we are all together, so I feel if she cannot respect me as his priority female she doesn't need him as a friend either. The other female friend he has had for ten years, she is married, lives an hour away, is happy for him that I am in his life, and they text or talk twice a year by phone. I'm cool with that one.

She11ybeanz posted 10/18/2013 22:00 PM

I agree that I'm kinda the same way with "just don't want to deal with it at my age" and with my experiences. I just don't know how I feel about it yet. If he is going to travel with another woman than I don't think I'm okay with that.... just seems odd to me. Running friends are different because I have a couple of running teams I run with with absolutely ZERO interest in the opposite sex guys that run on my teams. We run and we go home. There is no fraternizing afterwards or beforehand, which makes a difference I guess. XWH and MOW would workout together...and then get dinner. But, their idea of working out and MY idea of working out are two different things. When I exercise.... "I'm all business" and when they would workout together they talked 80% of the time. I don't know. I guess like what a lot of you have said... it might be a "case by case' thing... where I would have to meet these women to make a proper judge of how I truly feel about it. (which seems kinda mom-ish to me and crazy.... but on the other hand.... makes sense to not judge a book by its cover...) IDK...

[This message edited by She11ybeanz at 10:01 PM, October 18th (Friday)]

cayc posted 10/19/2013 07:46 AM

No. And this pre-dates the A shit. I think it has to do with me being an introvert. I can't have 1000 closest and bestest friends. If I'm your friend, then it's deep. And so since I can''t conceive of friendship that isn't that way (deep & meaningful), then to me a man and woman having that level of depth in their relationship is called dating/marriage.

I do superficial friendship at work just fine, work with men as "friends" just fine, got their back, help them, get help from them. I joke and banter with friends' husbands. But I don't have meaningful conversations with them alone. I don't text them on weekends. Etc.

But then shocker, I've always had good boundaries. Imagine that.

[This message edited by cayc at 7:47 AM, October 19th, 2013 (Saturday)]

gahurts posted 10/19/2013 08:26 AM

I have a lot of female friends. None of them are romantic interests. I was never attracted to them when M'ed, am not attracted to them now. Any attractions that may have occured over the past 30 years were all at appropriate times and situations. It's all about boundaries. I've often had closer friendships with women than I have had with men. But I never wanted to sleep with them or get imvolved otherwise. I appreciated being able to get a woman's perspective and the friendship was based on other common interests - work, school, hobbies, whatever.


.....none of whom I was ever worried about or got a weird vibe from UNTIL MOW...

^^^This!!! xWW developed a lot of male friends in her hiking group. I was OK with that. What I wasn't OK with was not being allowed to participate with that circle of friends occasionally. She wanted somethign that was just hers and that was not acceptabel to me. She was always welcomed to be a part of my interest even if she didn't partake often but I was told no you cannot.

Now she always talked about these friends - women and men. And the strories and things she would tell me about the men or what the men did were very interesting or funny, etc. My issue was that I wasn't allowed to meet them AND once she met OM - he she didn't talk about. That's when I knew something as up. Everyone else I knew all about. With him it was bits a pieces and that was just plain wrong.

So my suggestion is that it is OK to have friends of the oppoesite sex, the bigger issue is how they interact, how open he is whith telling you things and if you are welcome at times of your choosing to be a part of the group. If any of those are not right then I'd be worried. Otherwise, I think it is safe that they really are friends.

ie - if he goes to the zoo with some woman, ask about it and see how he responds. Or suggest that you join them. You will know really quickly just how friendly the relationship is once you try to become part of it.

gonnabe2016 posted 10/19/2013 20:09 PM

I'm in the camp that believes that men and women are able to be *just friends.* However, I would have a problem with any guy who:

(1) had a dis-proportionately larger number of female friends than male friends; and/or

(2) copped an attitude if I brought up any of my *mis-givings* or *uncomfortableness* in regards to any particular female.

Exit Wounds posted 10/21/2013 10:29 AM

Two words:

No. Way!

Crescita posted 10/21/2013 11:48 AM

No. And this pre-dates the A shit. I think it has to do with me being an introvert. I can't have 1000 closest and bestest friends. If I'm your friend, then it's deep. And so since I can't conceive of friendship that isn't that way (deep & meaningful), then to me a man and woman having that level of depth in their relationship is called dating/marriage.
I do superficial friendship at work just fine, work with men as "friends" just fine, got their back, help them, get help from them. I joke and banter with friends' husbands. But I don't have meaningful conversations with them alone. I don't text them on weekends. Etc.

This is how I am as well. Unless I am romantically entangled, I have no desire to have a deep close bond with someone of the opposite sex. It's messy and unnecessary and I'd rather my SO be of like mind.

nutmegkitty posted 10/21/2013 12:18 PM

I think it would be very difficult for me to be ok with that scenario.

damncutekitty posted 10/21/2013 14:19 PM

It honestly depends on the nature of the friendships and how people act, what kind of boundaries they have.

GabyBaby posted 10/21/2013 14:23 PM

Most of my friends are male, so I won't throw stones.
What's important is that I see that my mate has strong boundaries and that I am included (whether it is a scheduled activity or if I want to tag along at the last minute without prior notification). If I cannot be included, there's a problem.

better4me posted 10/21/2013 18:15 PM

If I cannot be included, there's a problem.
Yep. That's the test for me too. How welcome would I be to just "drop in" or "tag-along"?

Nothing we do or don't do can really protect us from someone who wants to cheat, they will always find a way. Lots of friends of the opposite sex or none at all. Is he trustworthy or not? Are these friends trustworthy or not? Only time and experience will tell you.

We all got baggage Shellybeanz, we're just trying to pack it more lightly!

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