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Thank goodness I found out

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LA44 posted 10/18/2013 20:33 PM

I was putting our boys to bed tonight and thought of D-Day. Maybe I subconsciously triggered bc I found out just after putting our boys to bed. But, there it was, the actual moment of finding the bday card, opening it up and seeing her name with a little heart beside it. My heart fell and my face burned red. My brain was screaming, "no! no! no!" going into denial, trying to come up with an explanation bc that is what brains do when faced with too much awfulness at once.

Anyway, as I was laying there with my boys tonight I started thinking about how grateful I was to have found that card - to know. I can't even imagine going through life with this secret between us and I doubt we would have made it in the long run.

So for all the lies that have been revealed since Dec. For all the pain from those lies, the thousands of tears that poured out all over me, for all the aimless drives I took and the way my voice sounded when I cried and screamed things at him, in spite of all that shit, none of it is as bad as me NOT knowing.

Whatever brought me to that card that night was Divine as far as I am concerned. Thank goodness I know.

catlover50 posted 10/18/2013 20:54 PM

Here, here, LA44.

I got an anonymous letter 18 months after the A ended, and although it was mean-spirited and filled with lies I would still like to thank the bitch who sent it!

We actually celebrated the anniversary of that day as our Authentic Life Anniversay.

LA44 posted 10/18/2013 20:58 PM

We actually celebrated the anniversary of that day as our Authentic Life Anniversay.

That's taking back the power catlover50!

jo2love posted 10/18/2013 21:15 PM

catlover50 -

You have a pm.

Skan posted 10/19/2013 11:08 AM

In spite of all of the pain it's caused me. In spite of all of the tears. In spite of all of the physical and emotional anguish, the days spent numbly wandering in circles, the nights spent walking through the house at un-godly hours. In spite of the anger, depression, TT, gaslighting, tearful nights both alone and holding each other. In spite of everything, I would not go back to that person I was, 2 minutes before I picked up his phone and got suspicious, that person I was 3 seconds before I opened up his computer and started reading.

That person is dead. And while there are regrets as to the manner of her demise, I would far rather be the person that I am today.

TheAmazingWondertwin posted 10/19/2013 11:42 AM

^^^^^ all of that, ditto for me.
I don't know who that woman was before I found out- but thank goodness I did. For both of our sakes.
It has been tough, but I am so grateful for the new foundation we are laying.
I am more aware, more courageous and more honest than ever before.
I value me. And this new person is doing everything she can to be authentic. No more hiding, no more guessing, no more waiting for the other shoe.
I am surviving this- I will survive this.
And I'm pretty damn proud of me.
And all of us.

toughernow posted 10/19/2013 12:59 PM

Skan and LA44

I hear you loud and clear. I too am glad that I know. I am sorry that my fWH had to do such a destructive thing to our marriage, but I am glad I know. I deserved the truth. He needed to face the consequences for his actions, and not just the guilt and regret that comes with knowing he had done it. I found out 8.5 years after the fact and it still hurts. There is no way that fWH would have changed his attitudes or tried to become a better person without me knowing. He was not engaging in A's but he had not taken a good hard look at himself until I and all those close to us knew. Secrets in a marriage are toxic. They create an un level playing field that puts the secret holder in a position of power over the one being kept in the dark. This secret clawing its way out has forced him to face who he really is ( I think he still has some work to do, but don't we all?). It has also forced changes in me, some god some bad. I no longer take a back seat in this "new" marriage. I have become stronger.

lost_in_toronto posted 10/19/2013 13:25 PM

I can't even imagine going through life with this secret between us and I doubt we would have made it in the long run.

I completely agree. I know the secret would have driven my WS away from me, and turned him in to a person I wouldn't want to know. The truth is devastating...but at least it's the truth.

Although I really miss the me from before the A. I miss how sure I was of the world.

toughernow posted 10/19/2013 14:30 PM

I sometimes wish that I could go back to being the woman I was before all of this , but I know thats not possible. I think my DNA haas changed.

I try to focus on figuring out what gifts I have been given. I refuse to believe that all of this pain and heartbreak has been for nothing.

LA44 posted 10/19/2013 14:35 PM

I refuse to believe that all of this pain and heartbreak has been for nothing.

Me too, toughernow! I gulped when I read that you found out 8.5 years after the fact. Wow! I was only one year out and sometimes found it challenging to "rebuild my story". I can't imagine your task.

I am surviving this- I will survive this.

Yes you will WT. Here's to all of us!

toughernow posted 10/19/2013 14:51 PM

YES!

Here's to all of us! Those of us who are willing to walk through the fire and face the pain head on.
Here's to those of us who have conducted ourselves, in our relationships, with integrity, devotion and honesty. Reconciliation is not for weaklings.

Dreamland posted 10/19/2013 22:29 PM

Here here To all of us... Agreed I hate what we have gone threw but I am glad that I picked up his phone that day when it buzzed and she had sent him a text. We were heading along the wrong path and would not have made it most likely if I wouldn't have found out. He is truly remorseful and I am truely sorry that I wasn't able to give him what he needed that "whatever" to have reminded him to keep his boundaries and promise we ended up creating the perfect storm that allowed the A.
So yes many days I want the old me back but I am stronger and viligent and don't take anything for granted nor at face value.

undonelife posted 10/20/2013 00:37 AM

God I hope I get to this point someday. 8 months in R and I wish none of this had happened. I want that trusting woman back. Most days is just like to go to sleep & not wake back up. Some says I still can't breathe.

forgivingnow posted 10/21/2013 09:12 AM

Wonderful messages about strength and confidence.

(((undonelife))) It will get better.

toughernow-"I no longer take a back seat in this "new" marriage. I have become stronger." This is so true.

LA44-"I can't even imagine going through life with this secret between us"
Now that the truth is out and he is being authentic and working on himself and owning it & we are working on us our relationship is better than I ever imagined it could be.

You get to the point where knowing the truth is good, even when it feels like knives in your chest, because you can't build a wonderful relationship on lies.

sisoon posted 10/21/2013 11:36 AM

I don't think I'll ever see a good reason for this, but of course YMMV.

I go back and forth on this. I wish it never happened. Since it did, however, I think the earlier I learned about it, the better. My W could have kept it a secret, could have worked it out in IC, but I just think it would have cast a pall over our M until the end of our lives. Not good.

BTW, one of the reasons I always quickly discarded any thought of cheating was that I didn't think I could hide it, and I knew instinctively that revealing infidelity would hurt much more than the philosophies I grew up with say it would.

devasted30 posted 10/21/2013 11:52 AM

I too am glad I found out.... BUT, I sure miss the innocent, trusting person I use to be. I felt so loved, so cherished, so coddled - I miss that. It was all a big fat lie and that's what hurts the most. Oh, I know he loves me - and he did then (isn't that one hard to believe) and I know it was him that was broken along with our M, but boy, I miss the mirage I had of my life with him. Nave - yes. But, sometimes...............

LoveActually posted 10/21/2013 13:15 PM

Whatever brought me to that card that night was Divine as far as I am concerned.

Wow^^^this for me too! I literally cried out to God on the morning of d-day to help me figure out what was wrong with my husband/my marriage. That night I saw his phone blinking on the nightstand and I picked it up and clicked on a long distance number, there was a whole long list of numbers but I chose that one out of all the choices. There it was--the answer--a text from the OW saying "I love you". Until your post, I never really thought about being thankful for finding that text that night--but I am so thankful! That moment changed everything; the dirty little secret ended right there--my life and marriage and the future of "us" was back in my control with a click of a button. Granted that last 4.5 years has been the hardest mountain I have ever climbed--sometimes he has had to carry me part of the way, but I'm so happy that I can say we are almost to the top and doing better than ever.

angerisme posted 10/21/2013 13:17 PM

Amen LA44....how correct you are! Divine intervention is real.

strongerdaybyday posted 10/21/2013 13:20 PM

catlover

We actually celebrated the anniversary of that day as our Authentic Life Anniversay.

^^LOVE THIS^^


LA44

Whatever brought me to that card that night was Divine as far as I am concerned. Thank goodness I know.

For me it wasn't a card but I'm still glad to know. Before Dday I thought we were miserable, going throught the motions of marriage, neither of us really happy. Then WHAM Dday. And as MUCH as it hurt (and still does) I realized how much I loved him - and he realized the same. We were two fools that didn't realize who/what we had and how easily it could have been lost. We work MUCH harder and have a lot of work to do. But I'm glad that I know.

LA44 posted 10/21/2013 13:30 PM

Glad to see members still adding to this thread.

And as MUCH as it hurt (and still does) I realized how much I loved him - and he realized the same. We were two fools that didn't realize who/what we had and how easily it could have been lost.

Truth, Strongerdaybyday

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