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Is this remorse?

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libertyrocks posted 10/18/2013 21:00 PM

H and I had an argument about the past. He and both our IC's keep telling me not to "make" myself feel these ways. So I brought up my pain to H and he got upset saying I'm setting us back.

Need some advice.

catlover50 posted 10/18/2013 21:10 PM

Ok my first response is to get instantly pissed for you. You have a lot to deal with and process; I'm sure you would prefer not to feel this way.

But your IC too? Perhaps there is a bit of self-flagellation going on? Maybe they are trying to suggest ways to live in the present as much as possible to give yourself a break from the constant pain.

That said, my H learned never to say such things to me (to paraphrase Prince Humperdink). I told him that he needed to be supportive and help me heal or it would take MUCH longer.

JustWow posted 10/18/2013 21:17 PM

Ummmmm, is that remorse?


On my planet, remorse looks like EMPATHY, respect, compassion....not get over it already, you're dragging us backward.

And if your dday is close to your registration date, I'm thnking your IC might be more than a little nutso as well. Really, at 2 months out you're wallowing??? I think not.

I'm feeling kinda ticked for you, too.

libertyrocks posted 10/18/2013 21:31 PM

First Dday almost a year ago.

JustWow posted 10/18/2013 21:49 PM

Ok, so a year since dday 1, since April that you got the whole story.... So how is his IC going? How is his getting to his why and working on his issues going?

There is only one way to get through all you've been through - and that requires that you process it, deal with it and heal. Well, seems like you have a lot of material to process, is your IC working that with you?

If you bury the pain alive so you don't "drag us backward", guess what? The pain is still alive.

What do you envision the best response to talking about your pain to your H to be? Hav you ever had a conversation about it that went well? Maybe he told you he was sorry, held you, let you cry... If so, tell him how that helped. If not, tell him what you think would help when you want to talk about it.

Do you feel like you are stuck or do you feel like he and IC are rugsweeping your feelings?
You probably are a big enough girl to know what you need, so ask for it, take care of your needs.

But I still stand by being ticked for you at his response, but it is likely not helpful for you - (((lr))))

cantaccept posted 10/19/2013 05:59 AM


Your words resonate with me. I have posted so many times, "what does remorse look like?"

I think that I was hoping what I was seeing was remorse. Others would tell me that I would know, be able to feel it. They were right.

My IC keeps reassuring me that when my h is remorseful, is able to express it to me in a heartfelt way, reassures me consistently and over time that then I will not have to hold on to the pain so tightly.

He reinforces that those words and actions will help to heal me and that I will feel it when it is real.

There are times when I know that I am consumed by all the pain. I know that there are things that I can do for myself to stop or at least lessen my pain. The doing seems to be the hard part. When you are in the depths it is hard to remember that there are things that will help.

Sometimes though it is necessary to just feel it though. I find if I fight it I get worse.

H has been very defensive and not very comforting until just the last week. I stepped back, was clear once again about what I needed from him for "us" to heal and let him know that if I did not see forward motion from him I really was done.

I really meant it, I could not say that until it was real inside of me. A quote from blakesteele comes to me often, "the pain of same exceeds the pain of change". I got there, it wasn't a conscious decision, it just evolved inside me. I was just there, at that point, naturally.

In the past week, h is beginning to "get it". He has been consistent in his responses to me. He has been comforting and has not once "blamed" me for my feelings.

It really does help. I was beginning to wonder if I was imagining that it would offer relief, but it is real. His shift in attitude is almost tangible, I can feel it, you do know when it is real.

My IC does encourage me to try to not have so many associations with the a. Things such as a certain road traveled. He tells me to tell myself over and over, "it is just a road". He wants me to try to just focus on my feelings and he also encourages me to keep pushing h, bringing up painful things, actions and words that cause me pain.

He also encouraged me to not bring it up when h was not receptive as he was causing more pain. He said at that point to focus on me and the possibilities of my life. I guess the 180.

I do wonder about your IC saying that to you. It is so confusing. I know that when I ache for comfort and reassurance, remorse, it is so hard not to express it and if your h is capable of it you should. Telling him what you need is a gift in itself. It is you taking a risk, exposing yourself to the one that hurt you and then putting it in their hands to do or not do. It does feel like a risk. It can heal or it can cause more pain.

We have been living together since January and h is just starting to help me. That in itself pisses me off.

As to "making yourself feel pain", I call bs. I have heard that from h more times than I can count. I have never wavered on my stance. I tell him I didn't have a choice in the cause of the pain and now I do not have a choice in the feelings created by your choices. They just are.

Maybe talk some more with your IC about what they mean by this statement and what they expect you to do at this point.

I had a hard time living with those statements from my h, but I knew it was his own defences coming into play. If my IC had been saying that to me I would have found a new IC.

It took 3 tries to find and IC that was helpful at all.

Keep posting about this. You have to be sure you are getting the correct help. I have found that a good IC can be a life saver and a bad IC can inflict so much more damage.

I hope for a good day for you.

I hope some of this makes sense.

Card posted 10/19/2013 11:22 AM

I told him that he needed to be supportive and help me heal or it would take MUCH longer.

This! Exxactly what my own wife told me.

On my planet, remorse looks like EMPATHY, respect, compassion....not get over it already, you're dragging us backward.

And This, Exxactly what our counselor told me. It's now going on 6 years of recovery, and I still allow her to vent, share, grieve, anytime she needs too.
Thankfully, for each of us, it's very infrequent now. But she still does trigger from time to time.

Remorse is an action.....
You won't just 'feel' it, you'll see it, you'll hear it, you'll even be able to have admiration for it....

FWIW, I'd fire any counselor that tells or even suggests you to hurry up and get over it.

sisoon posted 10/19/2013 18:26 PM

I know that there are things that I can do for myself to stop or at least lessen my pain.

Sure, but it starts with feeling your grief, anger, or fear. IMO, a person probably always must feel first - I don't see how you can handle a feeling until you know what it is.

A lot of recovery, for me, is telling myself something soothing like,

'Right now I'm triggering, but I know my W is out of her A and committed to R.'
'I feel angry about the A. Do I want to talk about, ask for a stroke, or just feel the anger and let it go?'
'I can get to my destination via 2 routes. Do I want to save some time and go by an A location, or do I want to avoid the A location?'

When I was a year out, I thought I was making myself feel manufactured pain. I went downhill for 2 months until I concluded it was real pain that I still had to process. Almost 3 years out, I still feel pain. Maybe I'm forcing myself to feel it, but I believe it's really there.

Maybe you're manufacturing your pain, lib, but I'd bet a whole lot that it's real pain that comes from your H's revelations and post-D-Day behavior and TT. A year just isn't enough time to release all of the pain, even in a 'simple infidelity(!)'. You certainly have to absorb more blows than I do, and that has to make it harder to recover.

It's possible that your IC isn't saying you should be over it. I suspect he just wants you to realize you've got more ways of processing it than you think you do. But you get to decide how you process your pain, and you get to decide when and how to add to your pain-handling repertoire.

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